What to do with an old flame

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I'm trying to figure something out here. I'm particularly interested in hearing input from married ladies.So several years ago I was kind of dating this girl. Only I made it really hard on her. Let's just say I was stupid and a lot of other things. I might have even been toxic at that point I don't know. Her name is Stacey. If I could have any ex back to have a second chance with it would be her. She was incredible. Not perfect, but incredible. Sure she had her stuff and I was way to williing to make a big deal out of it. But the problem is that I couldn't see at the time how horrible I was to her. I think I talked to her in ways I wouldn't willingly talk to anyone. I was going through a lot of crap at that time and was under unbelievable stress, but that's no excuse. The bottom line was that I was a person that I can't say I liked very well. I was dealing with an addiction and a lot of other stuff that made me not ready and capable of having the kind of relationship she wanted. I know that now. One of the reasons I know that is because over the past three years I've finally come to terms with all of this and have done some really good work on it all. Through counseling, reading, reflecting, my faith, and good friendships I have seen myself start becoming someone I am proud of and would be proud to share with someone else.Here's my question. Stacey is married now, so there is no chance of ever getting that back again. But I'm wondering if I should write her a letter to let her know that I was a stupid fool. I question my motives for wanting to do this. I don't want to if it is just to make me feel better. But I don't want her to continue thinking that it meant nothing to me. If I left her feeling bad or less than she is in any way, I want to correct that thinking and let her know how incredible I really think she is. I want to aske her forgiveness and maybe give her some clue as to why I was such an ass. No excuses. Just explanation that will hopefully lead to some sort of emotional reconciliation.So, Is this a good thing? Should I do this? How should I go about it in such a way that is respectful of her and her marriage? If I do it, should I invited her to share the letter with her husband - in the interest of respect and protection for her marriage?I'm interested in real input, especially from you ladies who are married. What would it be like for you to receive a letter like that from someone in your past? What would your husband think about it?

In reply to:What would your husband think about it?How would you feel about it if you were her husband, and an old flame wrote her the letter?

That's hard to say, having never been married. That's why I want to be careful and be really respectful of the marriage...even inviting her to share the letter with her husband if she wants.Maybe I need to be asking the husbands as well as the wives.

Well I'm not married, but I'll put my 2cents in anyway. Even though I am happy with my current boyfriend, I still wonder why my ex acted like such an ass to me. That said, I think you should write her the letter. Invite her to share it with her husband. As long as the letter explains why you acted the way you did, how you regret your actions, and ask for forgiveness I dont see any major problems. As long as you dont profess your undying love for her, and attempt to woo her back, I dont see what harm could come of it. I doubt that a happy marrige would be broken up over a letter from someone she kind of dated several years ago.

Im not married (yet, in august i will be) but i would say to write to her hon, honestly, it will make you feel better,and as MM&I said it will make her feel better too. As for the husband, well if they have a loving, secure relationship he should understand, i know gary would understand, tho he hates my ex-husband with a passion LOLBottom line, i think it would do you both good for that part of life to be 'closed'