Yes, I'm depressed... yes, I know it. Just like 239874923874 bajillion other people in the world. I just took two depression quizzes. Well, not exactly... One was about depression, the other was about suicide. I got 100% on both of them. I rock. I know everything there is to know about depression, suicide, and how to cure it, it seems. All I have to do is listen to myself. OH NO WAIT! THAT'S NOT FREAKING RIGHT!... I'm supposed to have a friend who is listening to me. But I don't. I have a ton of awesome friends who would listen to me and care for me in a second, I know that. But they all can't read me. I'm an actor. I act. I make it impossible for anybody to read me because I don't want to be a bother to anyone. I'm jealous. Which is strange, cuz I've got alot going for me. I'm really smart, I could be really good looking (if I dieted and worked out), I've got the best friends and family in the world, I've got a great personality, I'm talented, people love to hang around me, my 3 year old nephew adores me, even when I screw up, heh... I've got a good job... You know what's ironic? Everybody loves me, except me. Heck, the creator of our freaking universe loves and adores me... how can that not be enough? Another ironic thing... Everyone loves me, but nobody, except God, LOVES me. There is not a single girl out there interested in me as anything more than a friend... Only 2 girls ever have been. 3 if you believe a friend I had back in grade 9... but I think he was just telling me that to cheer me up. 1 of the other girls was a girl who had a crush on me when I was like 10 and she was 8 or something. I told her I wanted to just be friends cuz she was too young for me. We grew apart and I didn't see her for almost a decade. Hey, wanna know what's funny? She's a total frikkin babe now. Possibly one of the cutest girls I've ever seen. Funny, kind... she's great. And I blew her off! ROFL... heh... The other girl was... is awesome. We kinda sorta almost went out... it's complicated. Very long story... good one though. Anyways, she broke up with me, I went back home, thought about killing myself for the first time... oh, the nostalgia. First suicide thoughts, I wonder if I should mark that down on the calendar and have like, some sort of annual event... I guess I'm not that good an actor. I can't expect someone else to care for me when I don't care about me. I know things will get better, I know there's a perfect girl out there somewhere for me... I'll be happy, and lalala things will be super duper nifty neato... I know all that. Don't tell me that, it just pisses me off. I know people who tell me that are only saying it cuz they care, so I tell them "I know" and they leave it at that, thinking it's all good. They did their part. Well congrats, whoop-dee-doo... I should hold a party for you cuz you told me things'll get better... or not... Naw, don't get me wrong. I do appreciate it. Thank you. Anyways, I can't kill myself. I know I'd be forgotten soon enough by most people. But there are a few individuals who wouldn't forget for a long time... and I don't want to make them sad. They're good people. That's why I'm thinking of maybe leaving. Just leaving. Going to a different country. Maybe Japan... Africa... Guatemala. So many options. I could make it. I could even e-mail them, letting them know I'm okay and that I love them. I'd miss them unbearably though... bah, there's always a catch. I can't find the answer... suicide's not it, leaving's the only plausible one. My life here is great... maybe that's why I've been throwing it down the tube lately, so I can leave... I donno... anyways, I'm not needed here. But I'm tired, I need sleep. I wanna be in good shape for my Mom's birthday party tomorrow. Gotta act ^_^ Cya.
Needed Somewhere to Post it
I doubt that leaving would help - when you leave you still bring yourself along too, with your depression, and you add the new stresses of loneliness and a foreign culture around you.You have depression. You know that there is a disconnection between how things are and how you feel about them. It's an illness. Go to a doctor and get it treated.