A turn of events

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Well I just found out that she is planning on splitting with me, so I guess it is totally over.

Well it definately is now.Finished, by myself.In a way I feel relieved, but in another way I know I've just lost what could have been a great girlfriend.Also I did it in a very chicken way (i SMSed her) and so it's gonna look bad on me, but at this stage I don't care.

Sad, you've got to quit letting this get to you. Something I've noticed about you is that you're happy when you're with someone and you're miserable without someone. This is a very clear sign that you're not ready for a relationship. If you can't be happy without someone there's no way you can be truly happy just by having a girlfriend. There's no possible way. And from reading some of the things you write I think you may suffer from depression but only a doctor can tell you for sure and I personally would be checked for it if you haven't already. If you do have depression there is medicine that they can prescribe for you.

On top of it all though you rushed into this way too fast. We've said it before and we're gonna keep saying it until it sticks: You're way too clingy. You'd scare the crap out of someone like me. People have to have freedom. In this case, the two of you wanted two completely different things it seems but you still kept trying to keep her under your thumb. The ultimatum should've been enough. She didn't do what she said she would so it was time to put her to the curb. Period. We didn't say it wasn't going to hurt. But the right things to do are always the ones that hurt the most and I should know. Been there and done that. I'm not any stronger than you are or braver for that matter. I just know what I have to do and that is to protect myself at all costs. Especially my heart.

You can't keep thinking that every girl you meet is potentially "The One". For one reason, as stated above, they'll consider that as a sign to hit the door running. The next girl you date may want a husband and a family BUT she's not going to give it to someone she's just met. Don't come on so strong. Just be yourself and don't try so hard.

I know all that now...and I altered my ways. But even with not seeing her in THREE weeks, she still claimed she needed her space.

Now surely not seeing someone in 3 weeks isn't clingy? Or am I being totally wrong about this. If anything, I was under the thumb. All I asked was that she message me once a week, and see me whenever she felt she could. Now honestly, is that too much to ask? Seriously now?

How can I be ready for a relationship if I never get the chance to have one?

My problem with the oneitis is that it is so few and far between that ANYONE shows interest in me, that I try and make the most of what I have.
Being totally honest, frank and crude, I am shit with girls.
Before this whole fiasco, it had been 2 years previous that any girl had shown even a hint of interest, and with no remorse, I'll say that she was short, fat, ugly and incredibly loose. It lasted 3 days.

So as you can imagine, when 2 years later a girl says she likes me, my brain kicks into high gear and starts revving. That lasts a week. Good boost to the old self confidence. Then her sister wants me. Great I think. and it was...for a while.

And now I'm back to square one again, and all I can think about is that its gonna be another 2 years (if I'm lucky) before that ever happens again.

I don't like to be lonely. In fact I hate it. My one dream is to have a companion that likes me for who I am, and will show me at least some affection. I have everything else I want (except for a car, but I'm working on it).

I have a good education, I am intelligent, I'm not ugly, I'm well-paid and have a great job with fantastic career possibilities, but I still feel that there's something wrong with me if I can't at least get a girlfriend, let alone keep one with me.

All my other friends keep telling me how they're having a great time "going out and getting laid" etc, but I have none of that. Like I said. I'm shit with girls.

I don't doubt for a second that I'm depressed. I mean I've attempted suicide and even though I have all these great things, I'm very rarely happy/satisfied, but I'm too afraid to see a doctor. I've been crying for a good proportion of the day.

I don't know what you're definition of space is hun but when I say I want space, I mean just that and space means: I don't want to call or for them to call. I don't want them to come over, nor do I want to come over. I don't want to message them, nor do I want them messaging me. Space is just that. Space. It's not an, "okay, you can you have your space but only if you message me once a week and see me when you can." Space is space. It means I want to be alone and left with just my thoughts and myself. So yes, if she asked for space and you said, "yes but only if you message me once a week and see me when you can," then you are asking too much. There's a reason she wanted space. HOWEVER, from the general reading of this entire post, you've given her ample amount of space.I say you're not ready for a relationship because you're not happy just being by yourself. Whether your alone for two years or 2 days you've got to learn to be happy being single. Use this as a chance to discover more things about yourself that you didn't know before. I don't condone sleeping around but if you feel the need to sew your wild oats...do it.You're "shit" with girls, as you stated, because you try way too hard. Just let it go. Quit worrying about it all the time. Since you've started this post you've gone up and down up and down. That's not healthy. You need to take a step back and REALLY LOOK at what you're doing. All the advice in the world can't help you if you don't take it. Again the old saying: You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink. I can't make you take my advice. But I can give it as long as you're asking and you keep asking and we keep giving you the same advice but you keep refusing to take it. And it's not bad advice. It's coming from people who care about you (and I do) and have been in the same situation (and I have) that you're in now.And the saying above applies to what I'm about to say, yet again. But try it on for size in these words: You can lead a heart to love but you can't make it fall.Do you understand what I'm saying yet. You may have loved her. BUT she did not love you. All the love you have for her in the world isn't going to MAKE someone love you or MAKE them stay with you. You can't MAKE anyone do anything they don't want to do. So you need to quit saying things like, "I can't make them stay with me." Because YOU have nothing to do with whether or not they stay in the first place. They choose to stay because they love you or they choose to leave because they don't.You WILL find someone. But the more you keep looking and trying to force things to happen the more girls are going to be turned off. You need to quit thinking about it and just go about your everyday life. Quit worrying about whether or not your'e going to find a girlfriend today or tomorrow or even 2 years from now. Just let it happen when it happens.

Well things are decieving when a girl tells you she doesn't want to split up because she loves you.In fact, she told me first, not the other way round. And you have to take everything into account. She was the one who started things off.Remember, the first night we ended up naked with her wanting me to have sex with her. That was at her request, not mine.Again the same with the second night.And during the first 3 or so weeks, I'd had over 200 messages from her.Then all of a sudden it drops to 1 every 2 weeks.Bit of a change, yes?So you can imagine how I react the way I did, if it starts one way, naturally I expect it to carry on that way, not drop off instantly like it did. And with no reason to why, I start to worry, because it's strange when that happens.Would you not be concerned if your boyfriend who talked to you from sunrise to sunset and saw you whenever possible decided to not bother anymore, over the course of one night?You'd worry that you did something to cause it, surely?And that's what I did. Every time something like this happens, my self-confidence takes a serious punch to the gut. and when that happened, it made me panic. It was a natural reaction.So yes I know I can't make someone love me, but if she tells me she does, and acts that way too, then it drops off suddenly (like it always does) then I tend to think that there is something wrong with me.And you'll say I'm too clingy...but as I say, she initiated it all first.It was her, not me.I know I'm clingy, but she just encouraged it, to begin with at least.

Woooooooo... What to say? What to say?I could tell you something like, "I told you so", but this is a time for you to be constructive instead of self-destructive.Whether or not it's been made clear, Cenfath made a point that I think it's high time to consider (Kudos Cenfath.) We've constantly gone back and forth about what she's done and how she's reacted. Relationships take two to tango, and while I definitely agree that this girl has had a lot of faults, you also need to realize where you may have come off the wrong way.Space is quite an issue, for both men and women. I have to agree with Cenfath, that space means NO CONTACT whatsoever. There are no ifs, ands, of buts about it. Perhaps the only time you should hear from her is if she calls you in time of a life-threatening emergency- and that's ONLY if she calls you. You can’t call her even if you “feel” she needs you. Other than that, no space means NO SPACE. If you find that you can’t handle that, then perhaps you might be clingy. It’s not to say that she doesn’t have any love, but often times, when something goes wrong in any kind of relationship, we forget to look inside, and quickly point the finger elsewhere… and when we get clingy, it’s often a case of us not being able to handle being individuals on our own.If being someone makes you feel all these great qualities, then that’s awesome. However, if you’ve failed to ever see any of this in yourself to begin with, then perhaps you’re not ready.Sun Tzu once said: “If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles. If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will succumb in every battle.” This also applies to relationships. You have to AT LEAST know who you are. If you do, you’ve got a 50% chance of having a good relationship. You said, “I know I'm clingy, but she just encouraged it…” She may have “encouraged” your being clingy, but ask yourself, was being clingy a trait you had before you got involved with her? And even if it wasn’t, and as bad as it was for her to encourage it, perhaps you should have taken the becoming clingy, as a sign that you had to re-think what you were doing. The bigger picture is this: If she did something and you felt a certain way, then all of a sudden did something else with you feeling another way, then you’re both at fault here. She was wrong, because she didn’t stop to take your emotions into account. You were wrong because you let her actions allow you to feel this way.Believe me when I tell you, I know how you feel about going for long periods of time without a relationship. You think your two-year stretch is something, I haven’t had a girlfriend in about four years. And I know what goes through your mind when you hear a girl say things and it feels like she’s reached into your heart and made you feel something special. However, you can’t let “The Thunderbolt“ make you feel like she is the one. Any girl can come off as charming and appealing, but THE GIRL is someone who’s character is shown through time and trial. She doesn’t run off when she has a problem, she comes to you to confront and talk about it. And I’m sorry to have to say it this way, but if she comes to you asking for space, you have to HAVE THE BACKBONE to give it to her- otherwise, it’s not her issue, it’s your’s.Back to what you had said about her initiating any of this, she may have been wrong to “lead” you this way, but aren’t you at fault for following. Who’s the oddball? Batman, because he wears his underwear on the outside, or Robin, because he follows him?Last but not least, everyday there is an opportunity to have our self-confidence take major blows. And they hurt worse than we can explain, but here’s the truth behind it: Suck it up, and deal with it, because you’re not going to grow smarter, stronger, or wiser if you let yourself feel hurt. We all need time to feel the pain, but the longer we do that, the more of the world passes us by. If you truly feel that you’re missing something in your life to make you feel confident, then I would suggest finding an activity that will help you build that. A hobby or activity you truly love will never turn on you, because no matter how hard it may get, you’ll love it enough to keep trying. And when you get that winning spirit in you, it’s only a matter of time that girls will notice that. And even then, they can’t shake you, because you know that this activity is part of who you are, and THE GIRL will know that, and not ask you to part with it.

Perfect. You have just said everything I've been trying to say.As you may guess Sad, I agree whole heartedly with Grendel_Prime. We're not coming down on you or scolding you hun. We're trying to help you get past this stage. There's a point in time when you just have to cowboy up and get past it all. Cry if you need to but don't cry every day and all day long. Life goes on and you will too. That's something you've got to keep telling yourself whether you believe it at first or not because whether you like it or you don't the world isn't going to stop for a broken heart.My b/f and I broke up a while back and the first thing I did was sit down and have a good cry. The next day, I got up and I did my own thing. We had seperate lives before we go together and after we got together. I'm not going to let my life stop because of a break up.Not every girl you meet is going to be THE ONE. Just think of these girls as "practice" until you find THE ONE. And if I were you...before jumping into any other relationship I would start off as friends. Remember that a lover will come and go..but good friends are priceless and stick around for a while.

I've just had the worst day.The night i split with her, she messaged me asking why, and after 4 hours of tslking, we decided to think about it for a couple of days.Well today I failed my 4th driving test, and if it weren't for one fault (which was partially not my fault) I would have passed, so it's a bit of a kick in the nutsack.Anyway, I get home in a pretty depressed state, with the thought of what she would say to me in my head.About an hour ago she messages me telling me that we can't be together. She also tells me she loves me. I ask why, if she loves me, that she has to break up, and she says because she has too many problems in her life at the moment that I would just cause problems.It was extremely tearful (I'm still crying my eyes out now) because she said that she loves me so much and wishes that it didn't have to be like this. She also told me that she wanted to return the gift I got her as it would make her cry if she saw it, which made me feel even worse.So now I'm sat in bed crying my eyes out so hard that I can barely see, so utterly depressed at losing someone who seems to genuinely love me.This has been such a horrible day. I'm thoroughly saturated with depression and upset, and I can't sleep because I'm crying too much.I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't want to be alive right now.

Breakups are a part of life. Everyone goes through them and a lot of us on here know what you're going through, even though you might not think so. You'll be stronger in the end. Just give it time.

You know what sad, no champ in any activity has ever been worth remembering if they never got over bad days. We've all had those days were we thought things were going bad, and then something else happened to make it much worse. It never feels "good."

But trust me when I say this- now, more than ever, is the time you want to be alive. You have to take that hurt and pain, and all that energy crazy energy, and do something good for yourself. This is the time where you dig deep down and show yourself what you're made of. I know, the chips are down, and it seems like not much is in your favor, but you've got one thing going right now- a hearbeat. As long as you've got that, you shoudn't let that go to waste, or anything keep you from living your life. This is the time you get to learn what you can do to help yourself.

Think about it:
-Failed your driving test? Maybe study more and learn how to stay focused on the task at hand.

-Girlfriend broke up with you? You won't believe how MANY more there are out there who'll want to meet you when you're ready- and yes, some may break your heart, but there are always a few out there who are worth all the previously bad experiences.

You've got every right to be sad and cry your eyes out, but don't let yourself get carried away with the tears, and become a VICTIM.

Grendel_Prime, I'm very impressed.

Thank Ineligible. Just trying to add some good in the world where I can.

Well here's probably the final update to this saga.Over the past couple of days I have learnt a lot of things, about my ex-ex (my exes sister).Originally I had been told that her ex claimed he was gay to break up with her, then went out with another girl.the other day I found out that this other girl is now pregnant with his child.What's worse is that through all of this, my ex was sleeping with him. While I was with her.So she was cheating on me.She told me she hadn't seen him since February...Furthermore, I find out that she participated in anal sex with him. Both giving and recieving, involving pencils and strap-ons and the like.Also, she told me she hadn't had a boyfriend since him, and that I was the first since. I discovered that this was also a lie, and she went out with someone else for 2 months before me.So it seems that she broke up with me because she was still fucking her ex who was supposedly gay and got his new girlfriend pregnant.Nice story huh?So I'm glad to be out of that family now - they're all totally messed up. Even her mother, who lost her husband to her daughter's best friend, is still married to him...Unfortunately it doesn't cure the feelings of lonliness. I'm feeling so alone at the moment and i just need someone to be with.

OK. She just messaged me asking how I was, but didn't reply to my response.Firstly it sucks because it reminded me of her, and secondly it sucks because she thinks of me more when we're not together.Should I chase this up, or just let it slide?

Forget her and all her friends, family, etc.!!!!!!!! Leave it be.

:smile: ok
Thanks Amanda.

I'm getting very bitter at all girls now.Any time one talks to me I feel they're out to stab me in the back.I don't know how I'm going to stop this one.I've blocked them all off my msn list, and I refuse to reply to text messages (incidentally, I found out the one my ex sent was a drunken mistake).I don't know how long it's gonna be before I hate females altogether.

I hope you re-read your post.Essentially, you WANT to hate females altogether. I say WANT, because you don't have to let yourself feel this way, but you are, and over a few bad experiences... and YES, even if ALL your relationships were "bad experiences", that's still a few. There are hundreds of women to be met, but you'd rather shut yourself out of those possibilites.Now considering you just mentioned that some message you got from your ex was "drunken mistake", that's pretty bad criteria to start hating women. You're going to let the actions of a DRUNKEN GIRL help you decide to hate women. Not the best judgement call, but certainly your choice to make.The point I'm making here is don't let this crap give you a reason to feel bitter. Do something constructive, instead of self-destructive.

dude. you've been talking about the same problem for a long time. what an ego trip. ever thought about helping someone else with their problem instead of focusing so much on your own?