I wanna fuck my matress but if i use vaseline it takes hours to get off my hands and i don't wanna soften it with pillows because my pillows have this snoopy picture on them and i feel like a creep shoving my cock into snoopy's face. Will i hurt myself if i just do it without lube/pillows?
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Matress advice.
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You might chafe yourself, yes. Try http://www.jackinworld.com/, it has some suggestions.