Holy Soap

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Two priests are off to the showers late one night.They undress and step into the showers before they realizethere is no soap.Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it,not bothering to dress.He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads backto the showers.He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns headinghis way.Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall andfreezes like he's a statue.The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood.Startled, he drops a bar of soap. Oh look" says the firstnun, "it's a soap dispenser".To test her theory the second nun also pulls on hismanhood....sure enough he drops the second bar of soap.Now the third nun decides to have a go.She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothinghappens.So she gives several more tugs, then yells, "Holy Mary,Mother of God -Hand Lotion too!"Sorry if i put it in the wrong place, i wanted to post it, but didn't know where. I just found it funny

hahahah That was worth posting

LOL.. nice little joke! Very cute.

Another joke:A bus full of nuns crashes. All the nuns die and go to Heaven. At the pearly gates, St. Peter says "Okay ladies, you just need to answer one simple question and then you can come in."He turns to the first nun and says "Have you ever come into contact with a penis?" The nun says "Yes, before I ditched my boyfriend and took holy orders I gave my boyfriend a wank."St. Peter points to a nearby fountain and says "Wash your hands thoroughly and then enter Heaven." He asks the second nun and she replies that she once saw a man's penis. St. Peter asks her to wash her eyes with the water and then enter Heaven.Suddenly there's a lot of bustling towards the back of the line and a nun breaks away, comes running up to St. Peter and stops."My child, what's the matter?" asks St. Peter in a concerned voice."Well," says the nun, "if I've got to gargle with that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary Assumpta sticks her arse in it!"

One more:
3 nuns died and went to the pearly gates.
There St Peter asked them a question each to get into heaven.
To the first nun, he asked "who is the messiah?" She answered, "Jesus"
St Peter said, "Correct, you go to heaven"
To the second nun, he asked "where was baby Jesus born?". She answered "In a manger"
St Peter said, "Correct, you go to heaven"
To the third nun, he said, "As you are the wisest, i'm going to ask you a difficult question; What did Eve say to Adam when they first met?"
The nun thought for a while and said under her breath, "God, thats a hard one"
St Peter said, "Correct, you go to heaven"

And yet one more:

Father Patrick is the new young priest assigned to the church. On his first Sunday, the older priest, Father Eamonn says "I'm off fishing today so you can take confessions after mass. To make things easier for you, I've taped up a list of common confessional sins and their appropriate penances." Then off he goes to his fishing, leaving the young priest behind, rather worried.

He gets into the confessional and almost immediately someone comes into the parishioner side.

"Forgive me father for I have sinned...it's been a week since my last confession. Father, I'm horrified...I had sex with my next door neighbour. I committed adultery!"

Father Patrick looks on the list and finds "Adultery - 3 Hail Marys". He dispenses this to the parishioner and absolves her. Off she goes to make her penance.

A man comes in and confesses to stealing from his employers and lying to his wife. Father Patrick looks at the list and finds "Stealing - 10 Hail Marys" & "Lying - 5 Hail Marys". He adds them together and sends the man on his way.

Then a young woman comes in and confesses that she gave her boyfriend a blowjob. Father Patrick looks on the list but blowjob is not one of the entries. After 2 minutes of silent panic, he dashes out of the confessional into the vestry where the altar boys are getting changed for the evening mass and screams 'Quick! What does Father Eamonn normally give for a blowjob?'

One of the boys at the back pipes up '£20 usually.'

LMFAO 20 POUNDS!! ...did that take place in britain?

Hehehe...it's just a joke but I am British and therefore I used pounds. If I was American, I might well have used dollars.

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic school. Usually she slept through the class. One day her teacher, a nun, called on her while she was sleeping. "Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?" When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret. The Nun said,"Very good" and continued teaching her class. A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" But.. Mary didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt. "Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said, "Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep. The Nun asked her a third question... "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!" The Nun fainted.

Hehehe...I love that joke. Little Johnny has to be one of the best creations in the joke world. Here's another featuring the little smart-arse.Little Johnny's next door neighbour gave birth to a baby boy with no ears. The families were very close and a couple of days after the birth, Little Johnny's parents went to the hospital to see the baby. They couldn't get a babysitter for Little Johnny (his last one was still in therapy!) so they took him to the hospital with him but before they went into the room, Little Johnny's parents sat him down and explained about the baby.Little Johnny said that he understood that it wouldn't be nice to make fun of the baby and that he would be on his best behaviour so his parents took him in. Needless to say the other parents were a little concerned that Little Johnny was there and were dreading what he might say when he stood on tiptoes and leaned over the end of the cot to look at the baby."Oh...look at his cute little face," said Little Johnny. "You must be very proud coz he's a really cute baby."All 4 parents were really happy at Little Johnny's comment and beamed at him. But Little Johnny wasn't finished of course."Look at his eyes, they're so big and blue. They're so bright and intelligent looking."Once again, the parents were delighted that Little Johnny had seen the positive side of the baby."One thing occurs to me though," said Little Johnny. "Have you had his eyes checked yet?""Oh yes," said the baby's mother. "He's got 20/20 vision.""Well that's a blessing," said Little Johnny. "Coz he'd be fucked if he had to wear glasses!"

LOL!A little old lady went into the Bank one day, carrying a bag of money. She asked to speak with the bank president to open an account because, "It's a lot of money!" The reluctant staff finally ushered her into his office. The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash on his desk.The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets."The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?""Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"The old lady said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?""Sure!" replied the confident president. That night, he was very nervous about the bet and often checked his balls in the mirror.The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied.The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president said, "What wrong with your lawyer?"She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 am today, I'd have the Bank president's balls in my hand!"

I've got quite a few jokes up my sleeve! :-One evening after attending the theatre, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when one observed a rather well dressed and attractive lady walking just ahead of them.One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $50.00 to spend the night with that woman."To their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark and turning around she said, "I'll take you up on that."She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his companion goodnight, the man accompanied the lady to her apartment where they immediately went to bed. The following morning the man presented her with $25.00 as he prepared to leave.She demanded the rest of the money stating that, "If you don't give me the $25.00, I'll sue for it."He laughed, saying, "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds."The next morning he was surprised to receive a summons ordering his presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case. His lawyer said, "She can't possibly get a judgement against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented."After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court as follows: "Your Honor, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot. Surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $50.00."The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purpose for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises he paid only $25.00, one half of the amount of rent agreed upon. The rent was not excessive since it is restricted property and we ask that a judgement be granted against the defendant to assure the balance."The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amazed at the way his opponent has presented his case. His defense, therefore, was somewhat altered from the way he originally planned it."Your honor, he said, "My client agrees that the young lady has a fine piece of property, that he did rent such a property for a time and a degree of pleasure was derived form the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property, around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft and erected a pump, all labor being personally performed by him."We claim these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid balance, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of said property. We, therefore, ask that judgement not be granted."The young lady's lawyer comeback was thus, "Your honor, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property and that he did make the improvements such as my opponent described. However, had the defendant not known the well existed, he would never have rented the property."Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft and took the pump with him. In so doing, he not only dragged his equipment through the shrubbery, but also left the hole much bigger than it was prior to his occupancy, making it easily accessible to little children. We, therefore, ask that the judgement be granted."And she got it!

Hehehe...the property one was a new one to me and I loved it.

Yea, so did I. A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?"The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times."One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream."So I picked up the frog and it said, "Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes."So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.She said, "You now have 3 wishes."I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger."She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!She then asked, "What will be your second wish?"I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. "We then made love for hours!"Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?"I looked at her and replied, "How about a little head?"

LOL, good one.