Save
Saving
  • A
    AandC4evr

    my suicidal and self injury tendenices are coming

    back..i'm suicidal...
    i wanna die........i feel worthless , no ones know how close i was 2 shooting myself this morning ( if i had a gun) .....or slicling up my arms...
    i hate my dad,,,,, i hate myself ...... i hate the enviroment that i live in.
    i hate the yelling n arguements .......i hate waking up to mom and dad screaming at each other.i hate when dad tells me and mom how fat we will be ..... and then when mom and i sign up for an exercise program ....... he tells up its not going to work..... why spend the money ......i'll put you to work around the house.if u want exercise.he told me i not working enough hrs at work ......i not getting enough money.God gives us trials in our lives to test us. If we make it through, they make us stronger in his will.
    i can't stand this sh*t anymore...Hasn't my psychiatrist done anything to help me get out of there yet?NO .. Is there no one i could go to live with? NO , NOT AT THE MOMEMT. my grandparents adopted

    so legally the have custoday of me till i'm 21 years old .. that

    means i won't be able to move out till i'm 21 years old.
    i aware i have suicidal

    feelings and have attempted suicide before...... i want help

    , i want to be admitted to a hospital for treatment , how

    should i go about doing that ? what should i expect ?

    would u miss me if i was admitted ?

    U CAN PM ME IF YOU WANT TO

    posted in Depression read more
  • A
    AandC4evr

    last time i cut : March 4th ..2005 64 days SI free - that is if i don't cut today -( NEW goal : 70 days - 80 days ).. i met my SI goal for 60 days SI = self injury ( for those of you that don't know )-----------------i can't deal w/ this sh*t much longer. my nightmares and abuse flashbacks have been really bad lately. Would you miss me if i died and/or moved away and lost contact with you ? i was just wondering. i'm thinking about cutting my wrists tonight and just lying down in my bedroom and bleeding out ~ but i just can't do that to my homiez or my girlfriend Ellie.Dad drank TOO much today , by the time Mom and I came back from running errands in town today about 4 : 30 pm ..Dad could barley talk or even keep his head up .. ....first he passed out w/ his head on the counter in the kitchen, he awoke and tried to walk to his chair but only made it to the couch , now he is passed out face first on the couch . i hate seeing Dad like this .. i know Mom does too but she won't admit to it .i cried when i first saw Dad passed out today..why if i have soo much hate towards him, why do i cry when i see him passed out because he drank too much ?dad update ( 8:00 pm ) :the last time Mom and I checked on Dad he is still breathing .... still passed out ..... but he lookslike he is about to roll off the couch and hit the floor.dad update ( may 7, 2005 ) :DURING THE NIGHT DAD ROLLED OFF THE COUCH AT LEAST 3 TIMES ..... HE DOESN'T REMEMBER MUCH, BUT HIS BODY IS REALLY SORE .he has being vomiting and has loose stools but he doesn't recall anything of last night .this is the 3rd time this month he has passed out cause of being 2 drunk.~~~~~~~~~~~U CAN PM me IF YOU WANT

    posted in Depression read more
  • A
    AandC4evr

    Why did you start using self injury as a coping methods ?Do you have any rituals ?What the longest time period you have gone w/o doing self injury ?do you hide your cuts n scars ?when someone ask u what happen pointing at a cut or scar , do you tell them the truth or use an excuse ?have u ever been hospitalyzed for self injury ?~~~~~~~~~~~~you can PM anytime , if u need to talkdo people know you do self injury ?

    posted in Depression read more
  • A
    AandC4evr

    YOUR WELCOME petei'll try my hardest not to go back to si

    posted in Depression read more
  • A
    AandC4evr

    MY PAIN JUST WON'T GO AWAY..... A laugh can hide a cry A smile can hide a teareveryone knows i wanna disapearmy life is screwed up i hate the worldlife is just a twirleverything changes nothings the same my life is so grey the pain wont stopit wont go away i cant take it anymorei wanna get away take me out of this dark black holeI need a savior to free my soulso please help me if u can i really need a hand my life is so grey my pain just wont go away ....~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~thanks 2 those who talk w/ me thru my difficult times - you know who you are ...Dad is acting wierd today i not sure why, i hate when dad is paranoid... he is back 2 measuring dirty footprints on the floor , going thru my email and mom's , listening to my phone calls ..calculating how long it will take Mom and/or I to get home, and if we aren't home on time - he has a fit. I just wrote an long entry and it got erased, that pi$$es me off.I hate my dad ... sure i do love him sometimes when he is sober and not paranoid - which is hardly ever anymore.. i wish people who see thru my emotion mask and see that i'm crying and screaming inside so nobody can hear me . there are days i pray for GOD to kill me or take me " home " early ... there are times i wish he would answer that prayer .. and there are times i thank him for not answering that prayer.when someone says Anna how are you , and i say i'm ok - that usually means i hurting inside but don't wanna worry you . the next time i say i'm ok , i give you permission to ask if everything is really ok .next week , i think Tuesday i'm suppose to get my guitar .. so far in my guitar fund i have $ 502.78 saved up , i'm so proud of myself to be able to save that money up and not spend it .lately i've been thinking about changing my mind about starting my 1st job .. the yelling has got worse since he found out i got hired .. the less control he has over me the worse the yelling gets.i wish someone can see thru Dad's emotion mask , and get him the help he needs.. if though he won't admit he needs help.i'm thinking about when i go to California in October or November 2005 about staying there, so i can get out of this house ...i can't deal with this sh*t anymore .i'm thinking about going back to SI .( self injury ).. because i feel its the only thing i can control anymore . sometimes i injure myself as a release , sometimes i injure myself as a punishment .

    posted in Depression read more
  • A
    AandC4evr

    **its just a poem for cutters ** She pulls up her sleeveand says "Go away."She cant wait to leavethis world thats so grey.She hides and she slices. She chokes back a cry.Just being alone....makes you want to die.

    posted in Depression read more
  • A
    AandC4evr

    ~ If you wake up and find that I'm dead, Would you cry, or even have a tear to shead? I don't think I'll be missed much... But pretty soon, I'll be unable to touch. My body will soon decay, the flowers on my coffin will begin to sway, that's the sign that I've moved on.. I'm finally happy.. the pain has gone..I know you'll miss me, I'll miss you too, but think of the times we had, and all we've went thro.. and with these last words I say Good-bye, and when you think of me.. Please.. don't cry. ~

    posted in Depression read more
  • A
    AandC4evr

    mole removal 3 - 17- 2005/PRAYER REQUEST: i'm going to have at least 4 - 5 moles removed tomorrow..... please pray that everything goes well and the results say they are not cancerous or anything like that . i'm kinda nervous but with GOD everything will be ok ..HI ! ::SUPER HUGS :: LOVE YOU

    posted in Miscellaneous Medical Problems read more