I can’t believe I am going to share all of this here. Something horrible may have happened that is potentially humiliating and emabarassing and devastating. I can’t share it with anyone I know cause it’s so bad but I really wanna hear what someone has to say about it all. Here’s the deal. It’s kind of long so I apologize.I am an adult male. I have a friend who’s been probably my closest friend for about three and a half years. The problem is, I have to admit that I have been a bit obsessive with this friendship. I have a history of this. I’m afraid of losing the friend and can get extremely jealous of the friend, although I’ve always been able to hide this cause I knew it was there and bad. And I’ve gotten so much better over the past half a year or so. Here’s the other thing. My friend is really good looking and there’s like this sexual thing where I guess I have to admit I find him hot. I’m not gay. I don’t want to have sex with him and I do want sex with women only. But I can’t deny that he’s hot and the thought of him naked is exciting. That is so hard to type. And I know some of you will say that is perfectly normal. If it only stopped there…Over the past few years I’ve done some things I’m not proud of. I’ll just go ahead and spill the beans. I lived in an apartment in an old house. He spent the night at my place one night (this was 2 years ago) and when he was in the shower the next morning I waited until he got out and peeked through a crack in the door to see if I could see him naked. To my surprise the crack was just at the right place and I saw him naked! Then about four months later he actually moved in with me. Of course I peeked a lot and saw him naked getting out of the shower a lot. A couple of times even with erection. I was so ashamed of my behavior and was actually glad when we moved to another place where it wasn’t an option any more. Another thing I’ve done is I’ve looked in and read his journals when he was gone and found out some stuff about his sexual past that he probably didn’t want me to know. Most of it he told me at some point anyway, but there are a couple of homosexual events when he was a kid that he would freak if I knew. Most recently when he was in the hospital for a while I had the key to his apartment ( we don’t live together anymore) so I could go by if he needed something. Well one night I went by and went through his laundry and got a pair of his white briefs out. I wanted to try them on. So I got naked and then put them on then I masterbated in them but I pulled them down so I wouldn’t get anything in them. Then I cleaned up and left. (God I can’t believe I’m telling you guys this stuff). But I want you to know the truth so maybe you can help me. Anyway. I got tired of being like this. So I started praying that God would make me a healthy friend and let us have a healthy friendship. In the weeks since he came out of the hospital it has been wonderful. It has been really healthy and I have not done anything at all like I used to do or even wanted to. I feel like it is so healthy finally and I’m finally having a healthy friendship and I don’t even think of him sexually anymore. So all should be good. If it only stopped there…So today when I was at work he asked if he could use my computer at my place. I said yes. So he was here while I was at work. So let me back up a bit. (sorry so long). I have been wanting to write some more and I was talking to my friend about maybe writing something together. He’s pretty creative. So he mentioned about writing his story. I think he wasn’t really serious but it got me thinking about writing about our friendship from my perspective. Sort of a story about an unhealthy obsessive friendship and what it took for it to get healthy. So I was sitting at work and I made some notes. Basically it was a timeline of our friendship with some of the key points. And I put some stuff in there that I wouldn’t want anyone else to read. Stuff like “I peek – see P” and “talks @ his size” and “spy” and “see lots of BB” and “discussion @ nudity, peeing in public, back, etc.” and “read journals – find out lots of sexual stuff” and “peek a lot – see a lot – even /” and “early morns in bathroom – I naked” and “A sees me naked” and “read journal – find @ bathtub w/kid & black guy j/o” and “A finally M – tells me @ it”. Yeah, that kind of stuff. No problem cause it was for my eyes only. So I brought it home and it ended up in the pile of junk on my desk. So when I came home today, after he was here using my computer, I saw those pieces of paper. Actually 2 pieces folded in quarters. It was sitting on the corner of the desk. I freaked! Did he see it? Did he read it? I don’t even remember it sitting on the corner of the desk out in the open, but it could have been before. You can see how this would scare me. I don’t know if he would read it or not. I just know that it is something that I would have done, but I’m sick around that kind of stuff, right? So if he was here for 3 hours, would he have looked at it? It was in plain view, right next to the computer. You could see some of the words, but I don’t know if he even looked close enough. Anyway, I haven’t talked to him since before he used my computer, and I’m afraid right now. I’m anxious to talk to him to get a sense if there is anything wrong.So why am I bothering you guys with this? I’m just wanting to hear from someone hopefully mature about this. Should I worry? Do you think he read it? Would you have read it? What should I do? Am I to sick for words?Thanks for your help.
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Sorry so long...I really need feedback
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This post is deleted!
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Wow, this is really odd...i really don't have an answer for you, but i do have questions: When was the last time you were in a serious relationship? Do you have other male or female friends?
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Well, unfortunately It's been a few years since I've been in a relationship. I let an amazing girl go that I would give my right arm to get back (although she's married now.)And yeah I have other friends, both male and female. I really wish I had more close friends, especially social friends. That's really what I want. I think that's healthy. But I do have several friends, male and female, that I consider close friends.
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Could it be that you are just sexually frustrated, and your behaviour is a way of your mind to get you to release it...and since this is you closest frined, and emotion is involved then it fell so that you are bizzarely attreacted to him?
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Could be. I kind of always thought it was some sort of distorted sexuality that comes from things that have nothing to do with him. If that makes sense.
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I really do think that that's what it is...I doubt that your behavious stems from some random homosexual glitches cuz you think your friend is hot. Try meeting a girl, dating etc...perhaps new real sexual attention is all you need to get over this. Then again I'm no shrink, this is just my opinion.
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About your notes,Did they have his name on them or were they just sentence fragments and little thoughts. Because if that were the case, if he did read them, he might not associate them with being about him. If they are about things that he has no idea that you did, then if he read them, he would not know they are about him. Just a thought.
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No such luck I think. I think it would be obvious that a lot of the "lines" were about him. He might not have figure out what the "peeking" stuff was about, but I think he could definitely have figured out the looking at his journal stuff. That is if He read it at all. That's the real question. If he only saw what was visible, I'm probably fine. But the question is did he pick it up and read it. I think I may call him in a few minutes just a casual call to see how it goes. But I'm scared sh*tless.
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If you haven't called him yet, then you might just want to not mention it. If he still talks to you and acts the way he always does around you, then you're probably fine. If he still talks to you but is kind of wierd about it, then you might want to talk to him about it then.
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Well it looks like the drama is over. This has been the scariest week of my life almost. I hung out with my friend tonight and it appears all is well. I was getting really worried. I talked to him on the phone for acouple of minutes Sunday night and it seemed okay but I really couldn't tell if he was just being polite. Then I called him on Tuesday but he never called me back so I got even more worried. Then tonight I called and he answered and we went to get Mexican food and went to Borders and just had a grand old time like before. We are even gonna go see King Kong this weekend. So it's all good. I have been so worried about this. I have been physically ill for several days and not eating. Now it is over. Although the paranoid part of me still wonders if maybe it happend but he's just letting it go. I doubt that's the case though. If he read it, he would not have hung out and been joyful and all tonight without saying something.Anway, even though it is over and it all turned out good it is still something I need to deal with. It sickens me that I can do the kinds of things I've done. So I'm gonna do two things. First of all be damned sure I never do any of those things again. Second I think I'm gonna look into seeing a counselor again and be real honest about all of that crap to try to figure out where it comes from and how to keep it from happening again.Anyway, I'm getting long winded again. Thanks for your thoughts for those of you who posted.
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Hey bud, that's great! Glad things are ok there. And I think seeing a counselor to help you figure this out is a great plan, good luck and keep us posted on things.
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In reply to:...I think I'm gonna look into seeing a counselor again and be real honest about all of that crap to try to figure out where it comes from and how to keep it from happening again. You should pursue this. IMHO, it sounds like you have what's called an inferiority complex. I don't believe you are gay, but you're not comfortable with yourself, for whatever reason. You should try and find out why. That's my.02 worth.