Synoptic

---

Hi, I'm new here. The name is Roulette. age 17. I have a problem expressing anything that I'm thinking, because its so elaborate in my mind, that I fail to be able to explain it in words. But I'll give it a shot;I've gone through many traumatic expierences in life. I'm not alone in that. The effects of them and/or hereditary reasons I'm diagnoed with: Major Depressive/axiety disorder ADHD/ADD OCD There is also something wrong with my personality. Right now, I am this incredibly intelligant person, I know so much and I have no idea where it comes from. [ex- rubix cube, math, and grammer genius] And another part of me is "criminal". A rebellious teenager who, unfortunitly, tends to get arrested for Drugs and like arson. Smoking Weed before-during-and after school (I used to have a meth problem but I cleared that up in november05) But now im marijuana-free due to UAs. And not to mention, THE BIGGEST CLASS CLOWN IN THE WORLD. Sometimes I get scared this "criminal" is going to ruin my life again.Even though she was here before intelligence. If you look at me on my homepage or wherever I look absolutly innocent, just perfect, but inside my head it's all twisted up and torn to the point where reality and my dreamworld run together in knots. Over the past several months ive lost almost 40 pounds. Currently weighing 95lbs and a height of 5'4". My doctor, and everyone else in the world, thinks I am anorexic/bullimic. The parental units are worried to death about me being either one of those, the refrain from mentioning it to me because of my strong "being controlled" ideals [part-criminal] I denied it to no end, until recently my mind wondered off and I began to think "What if I am and I'm hiding it from myself?" I honestly believe criminal literally hides certain things from intelligance. I started filming random things during my day yesterday and when veiwing them and capturing a snapshot of the frame, I saw myself as very very thin. But when I look in the mirror I look like I weigh about 10 more pounds then that. A quote I read somewhere on the Internet "Adolecent Females often see themselves (through a distorted image) 10 lbs over their actual appearance." I thoroughly agree to this, not only because it makes me feel better about my weight, but because I witnessed it within my camera. So my question is still, anorexic or not anorexic? Bullimia is definitly out of the question, this I am sure of. So I looked at the symptoms and signs; [list] Cessation of periods or delayed development in puberty. (I'm not sure) Self-induced weight loss. Methods can include fasting, low food intake, excessive exercise, diuretic medicines (medicines that make you urinate more) laxatives, diet pills or vomiting. Sometimes people make themselves sick to lose weight. Others take excessive exercise. (non of these applies to me. I have almost energy for exersize. However, pills are slightly responsible.When I wasnt medicated for depression I binged and binged, eat eat eat eat eat! After prescribed Zoloft (200mg/p/d) I lost some weight, and then adderall(90mg/p/d) was prescribed to me && I lost more weight. Now, im very immune to it partly because of my substance abuse beforehand. I keep losing weight, little by little, even though I eat pretty normally.) Sufferers have a constant fear of gaining weight, as well as a feeling of being fat, even when their weight is much less than that of other people of the same height. (I dont fear gaining wait itself, but I fear fearing it. I know its hard to grasp the concept that I'm thinking of, because there are many ways to interpret that. The overwhelming feeling of gaining wait [for me] is worse then gaining wait itself. I crave life without lament.) Sufferers may feel bloated, even after a small meal. (I have had that my whole life) And for the question, im still confused but im leaning toward "not anorexic" Can someone please tell me what they think? or maybe share some of their own relating stories? I need to get tested for Anemmia. For sure.I took a test online and it said if I selected more than 5 to go tell my doctor. I selected way more than 5.naive little pieces ofwhat they tried to teach herquiet and protectedslightly anorexicShe Waitsshe's a time bomb, with her vibe onshe's gonna use it and surprise themshe's a time bomb, with her vibe onthey'll never know where she got her weapon.they really don't believe hershe keeps it all a secretfound the Golden Musesdoesn't need to prove it

Welcome to the board, and thanks for your honest questions.Are you seeing a counselor or psychiatrist? I think that would be a good idea. I think there is a possibility you might have anorexia. But, if you do, you are well on the way to recovery. I say this because you have an awareness of it and were able to see yourself as thin. That's good. I think you would be a great client and would have a good recovery.I also love the way you externalized "criminal" and "intelligence". Either you picked that up from a really good therapist or you are the kind of insightful person that would herself make a good therapist.

Thank you. :]Yes I am seeing many people for therapy.I think I'm just beginning to open up to myself, and I didnt even know I wasnt opening up before. For the therapy, I can't open up whatsoever. They seem to think I do, but honestly "Synoptic" was the first time Ive ever been able to ,even come close to, expressing the words in my head. But as I reread it, it seems less of an achomplishment, and a very very minute[adj.] summary, and theres so much more left to be told. Yet, I don't even know yet. I'm working on it, I think? I only wish I could understand myself. My mind is so complex, and I dont even know how I know that much!"Criminal" and "intelligence" were just what came into my head as I was trying to figure out how to visualize my thoughts, and turn them into words.

Just keep in mind that progress is made in baby steps, not major leaps.Why do you feel you can't open up to your therapist(s)?

Because I don't even know myself, not in the usual way that sentence is said, but more in a form of multi-personalities.mildly.Can you help me out with this question;I took m temperature today, 95.4, then about ten minutes later 95.2. My moms was a normal 98.3. So our therm. isnt broken. What could that mean, having a low temperature?

Wow, I can't help you with the temperature thing. I'm not a doctor - don't even play one on tv. But you might want to get that checked out if it persists.As for opening up to a therapist - I would think that one of the best ways to get to know yourself is to...open up to a therapist, no? The point of therapy is to help you understand yourself better, what is causing you to make the choices you're making, how to make better choices, ets. To not open up to a therapist cause you don't know yourself well enough is like waiting to go to a doctor until you're not sick.

Where are you measuring your temperature? Some regions of your body are much more accurate than others. If you want a really accurate measurement, then a standard mouth (or armpit) thermometer won't work well, although the armpit should be more accurate than your mouth.

YesI tried it in my mouth. I want to get a new thermometer. I think I'll try the armpit thing too. Thanks. :]

Well I can't ever find the right words to explain what I'm talking about. I just feel like no one will get what I mean, you know? It's probably normal, but I guess maybe everyone feels that way. I just have so much to say, that I get lost and don't say anything at all. I'm not used to letting out my feelings. ever.

I can relate to the way that you're feeling. I never really asked for help from anyone when I felt like I needed someone to help me. I... didn't trust other people, and I was too afraid of hurting the little pride I had left back when I needed help with depression. I was very self-concious, and I worried that asking for help would make me look worse than I already felt. I wish I would have looked for help a few years ago, it might have helped with some issues that it took me a few years to get over, and in some cases am still getting over. Honestly, this site was one of my first attempts at really opening up.Opening up may be tough, but it will get easier the more effort you put into it. Like anything, it takes practice. If you're not used to sharing your feelings, then it won't be easy for you to comprehensively share them with others. Over time, it will get easier because you'll have learned what works and it will seem more natural to you.