Cliched sexuality confusion

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sorry for this INCREDIBLY cliche'd and regularly posted topic but just wanted somewhere to write down whats going on in my head because there isnt anyone i know i can talk to about it so just need to get it out somewhere. Hope you guys dont mind.

I've just turned 18 and throughout my teenage life i've had several straight relationships. However, have been constantly interested (if thats the right word to use) with homosexuality. Ive had several sexual relationships with women and am in one at the moment so i know that i am attracted to women. But i cant help but think of men when masterbating. When at home and i masterbate i think of men and i even get to the point when i sometimes convince myself i might be gay but after cumming i have no attraction to men anymore. its wierd :S the idea suddenly repulses me....only for an hour or so then the cycle eventually repeats. whether that is guilt or shame due to social teachings of homosexuality being bad acting on a subconcious level i dont know :S

For the past year i met a gay boy from my college and have been chatting/flirting over msn and even sent the odd picture to each other. I have a girlfriend at the moment and try to avoid flirting with him but i keep playfully chatting with him. It all gets a bit confusing and i dont know what it is i want. I dont know whether i should keep my homosexual fantasies as just fantasies or maybe indulge. I dont think there is much anyone can do to help me answer this problem as all this sexuality stuff is personal but if anyone has been in the same/similar situation what you did about it would be good to hear. Just needed to write down all my thoughts and share them with someone. thanks for reading!

p.s. first time posting so sorry if thoughts aren't very clear. never was any good at english.

Well it's not necessarily cliched as it is common. Many guys go though this, something I'm already trying to work out. For some, it's clear as crystal, others, mud.In terms of the attraction when your doing the deed, , that's a normal thing. It's something to do with wondering how other guys do it, and the fact that we all have the same stuff lurking below the briefs. The repulsive ideas, I think, stem from something that you don't necessarily [agree/know about] (I don't really know the word to put here), and think that it's a bad idea, but that happens, most of time, with any thought afterwards, and then it, like you said, reverts.With the guy that you know, I would say, maybe if you WEREN'T in a relationship, then do it (indulge). The only way that you could ever know for sure, is to experience it, first hand. you'll know, for example, if your with him, doing whatever is it that you're doing, you freak out and have a breakdown, or if you actually enjoy it, like you do with your/a girlfriend.And as personal as it is, believe me, you need to talk about it with SOMEONE. You can't keep everything in your head. The least it would do, is nag and nag, and by the time your married, you'll wish you have done something about it, or at worst, you could become obsessed with it, although that probably never happens. Too many movies. But anytime, you can PM me if you need to, or there's a wealth of knowledge and other people here ready and willing to help!

No need to apologize and welcome to the boards.

I went through the exact same thing as what your describing, with the exception that it never occurred to me that I might have any greater inclination to be with a man other than in fantasy... at least not till I was about 27 and had been married for four years.

I'm bisexual, by the way just not in the traditional sense where my attraction to both sexes is more or less on equal footing. My attraction tends to swing from one to the other over a period of about six months.

Your young, your in college, your not married, experiment. Find out who you are. If your flirting with this guy than, I think, it's something more than fantasy. For the most part fantasies tend to remain relegated to the mind. The fact that your engaged with this guy, flirting and exchanging pictures, says to me your desires are more than mere curiosity.

The fact that after you orgasm you no longer are attracted to men probably has no meaning other than what you already stated in your post. It's just guilt and shame built in by society.

I was the exact same as you. Till one day the thought occurred to me, "hey, I might be gay." I did some reading and lot of writing on message boards and finally came to the conclusion I was bi. Rather than be dismissive of your homosexual desires accept them and see how it feels to freely indulge what you may really want. The biggest thing for me, when I finally accepted what I am, was when I allowed myself to look at guys I passed on the street and allowed myself to think, "Damn! He's cute." Before I would have never let myself do that. Before my homosexual feelings were confined and repressed to only my moments of masturbatory ecstasy. It was a very liberating feeling to move beyond that.

I don't think you need to make any great leaps in your homosexual desires. You don't need to run out and sleep with someone to see how you feel. Honestly, I have my doubts at how useful an encounter that is in determining ones true desires. I think more than anything accept how you feel, accept your desires, come to the understanding there is nothing wrong with wanting to check out men, there's nothing wrong with thinking he's hot. Accept your desires and allow yourself to have and see how it feels, see if it feels right.

Like Cats, you can PM me whenever you want if you need to hash things out one on one. However I am only around here when I'm at work but I don't do much at work so don't let that hamper you, just if you PM me over the weekend I won't answer till Monday.

Don't make sudden moves to do anything whether it's jumping in bed with a guy or getting married. Give it time, work things out at your pace and it will all come out right in the end.

I thank you mooch for writing something I'd never be able to. This sounds exactly like my situation. I'd been hesitant to post about this but now I'm at ease- thanks LuvCats and OldFolks for your descriptive responses. You've helped me tremendously also. I'm astounded to know I've got a community to turn to and that I'm not the only one out there.

That's what we're hear for.