First, let me just say, I'm back, and should be for a while. But onto the post....a lot of this is a bit hard to say, but I'll do my best.Lately, and when I say lately, I mean the past year, or so, I've been feeling increasingly depressed with myself. It's not to the point of clinical or anything like that yet, this I do know, but when I'm just left to think, I'm not that happy. I always think about all the stuff that I have, and the movies, etc. that I want, and then I'll think "Why does it matter, I'm just going to die one day, and it'll just be thrown out anyway." and things like that. I can get over it, but it's always a recurring thought when I'm left to be by myself. Something like that shouldn't be popping into the mind of a 17 year old kid, right?And then there's everything else, that the disability causes, and usually it's pretty in check, and this is probably normal for anyone, but I just feel the worst, and almost hate myself for it. I know it's not my fault, and there's nothing I can do to change it, but...it's one of the most horrible feelings you can imagine. I think that's what causes my insecurities, and my shyness towards the whole dating thing, even going out with friends. I want to, but I never do anything about it to advance it. This year was a better year, though, I actually asked out, no wait, ONE girl , sorry. And even then, it took me 2 months to work up to it. It shouldn't be that hard right? I mean, yeah, it is, but not 2-months-time taking hard. And my friends, I want to go out with them, but I never do, and it's a choice I make, but I still don't--not call them to set anything up. It's like there's competing forces in my head, and they can't get anything straight, ever. And at school and things, it feels like they're only my friends to save face, like they wouldn't do anything with me, only if they were forced to, and I know that's not true, but there's the conflicting forces again... And then there's my whole future. Everything is so expensive for me, the insurance I have now stops paying for things once I turn 18, and SSI isn't enough to cover 15K worth in wheelchair costs. Health insurance doesn't help, nearly at all, and it's a lot to worry about, and I know I kind of should be, but it's like I shouldn't at the same time? And kids: I know I want them, I look at dads that have their little ones out for a day at the mall, etc. and think "Man I can't wait for that to be me.", but again, I'm afraid I won't have any. There's the whole finding the 'one' thing, then the bend that I have in my pelvis, and then there's the whole sperm count issue. (See, I don't really think I should be worrying about this yet, but the swords are a clashin'.) Because I sit all the time, that decreases it, quite a bit, because of heat, etc....and I know, that if I do find her, everything will work out, because there are some options, but still......I don't know exactly what I'm looking for here, guys, but it's good to get it out, it feels better now. Some help that maybe around the same area, maybe? Or same situation, etc...would be much appreciated.
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I've never felt this empty before...
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I'll comment tomorrow. I'm getting ready to go out the door right now but there are some things I want to say.
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I have felt what you felt.. probably when I was the same age as you. I had a tough time growing up.. I went through alot.I used to think those exact (seriously exact) same thoughts and didnt care if I died. But thats why you need to live your life because life can end so suddenly and soon. I find these feelings went away with maturity.. you will probably (hopefully) find that too.Im here for you if u want to talk.
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I think these are rather normal feeling to be having at your age. I know I had them. It was stressful thinking about all the upcoming changes and how I really honestly didn't feel ready for some of them. Pile that on the normal angst of say asking a girl out and asking here out gets tougher.Don't do the self imposed isolation thing. It does nothing and gets you nowhere. Even if you really don't feel like it resolve to go out at least this one time this week that you don't want to. Push yourself and pretty soon one thing is leading to another and the feelings of not wanting to go are, while not gone at least initially, aren't focused on so much. Just keep moving forward regardless how you feel. As far as the costs associated with your chair, let those concerns take care of themselves. I know that's easier said than done but trust me on it. I have found many times throughout life that spending my time worrying was just wasted time and wasn't productive and generally did nothing to solve the problem. The only thing that solved the problem was focusing on it when it was at hand. That's not to say you don't put a little back, but just do what you can and when the time comes to deal with it you'll find more often than not that you can manage.
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things to say...didn't forget/ignore....tomorrow they'll be here.remind me, lol
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Well, first: It's good to know that I'm not the only one that's had these feelings. Steph, (I don't mean this the way it sounds) I'm glad you felt that way too. And I'll take you up on that offer. You've helped me bucket-loads before/now, and I trust that you can now. :wink:
Now then...
But it's not a self-imposed thing. I WANT to. But I don't, and I don't know why. There's the obvious accommodation factor, and that's probably something that's just hardwired in when you're made this way, lol, but I know that it wouldn't be a problem, they're my friends, and they'll either find a way to make it work, or we'll just go somewhere else. But it feels like I'm imposing a burden asking for help, and I've been lots better about recently, letting people push me when they want to, etc. but you know how I feel? It's and odd feeling, and I really don't want it to get worse...And I took your advice, Scott, and I've been a bit better about it, :smile: , I started plans with one of my buds, he had things to do, etc. but I've got this weekend too, etc. so I'm going to start that up again, and a couple nights ago, I went out with my brother, when I didn't really exactly want to, it wasn't something that interested me terribly so, but it was still fun! You were right, and they're not as prevalent now, only after once doing it.
That's pretty much the way I've wanted to/am treating the whole money thing, it'll take care of itself, I'll find a way to make it work, etc., and your probably right, I will. Alright, I'm not going to worry about it now. 1 less thing...
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Bump.I'm sorry, but I feel it needs it.It feels like it's getting worse, and I have no idea why.