Hey my subject matches my board name (badushk)
Warning: If you are anti-religion do not read! Thanks
I’m very soft in the mind right now… as in my feeling have taken a left turn and are now vulnerable to all attacks so please don’t be harsh when you respond. Thanks. This is kinda long. Don't read if you have no patience.
Well, I just came back from church not too long ago. And the service we had was really powerful. If you're not a Christian or you don't believe in God they you may not understand. But there was so much going on. A couple of teenagers had come back from a retreat and so they gave us a little taste of what had happened to them. I was surprised to see how so many of them had changed and how relieved they look. Many of them who really were on the verge of suicide came back as if it was the happiest day of their life. Well anyway, I got down to praying for like a really long time. Maybe an hour or more. And I was balling out, putting on the whole waterworks and everything. But I was still having my own little conversation, chat, privacy, with God. And it had really got me thinking about things. Like things I used to do before, how I used to see things, think about things, and the people that I got involved with.
When I was younger I was a real religious freak. I can honestly say that when I was lonely I would talk to God and people would look at me like I escaped from the asylum. 5-10 years old I was and Jesus was my best friend (beside the others) and of course life was good. Now for a couple of years I can say that I have strayed away from what I once was. I was always happy all the time. And had an innocent mind (my mom was sure of that). I didn’t feel insecure about anything, didn’t have to deal with all the crap I go through now. I can see how I’ve changed I think of things in a more perverted way, when I see a guy I’ll think of something sexual and it stinks. I have a huge sense of insecurity. I see a girl and I automatically think she's prettier than me, smarter than me, better than me all together. No matter who it is. It might be due to the fact I have been called a dumb ditz all my life. Or the "oddball" in my family for having light blue eyes, whatever it may be. The people I hang with I wouldn’t even imagine being with when I was younger. There’s nothing wrong with them but the things they say will make someone’s ears bleed. I always feel lonely at times even though there are 7 human beings in my house and a couple of pets. Even though I have a bf I feel dirty whenever we do something sexual or something. People will say it’s a matter of growing up but I’ve never had problems like this before. Dodging cars, crashing motorcycles that aren’t mine (accident), fighting with my siblings every 5 seconds of the day. You guys get the point.
But what I’m trying to get at, after telling you my life long story, is that maybe I should give up the things that are making me feel this way. I’m tired of always having a dirty thought in my mind and maybe this is because of whom I talk to our what I talk about. I’ve been feeling confused lately with all this controversy between believing God and all that, and it takes 100% faith to believe. I see these movies coming out about the hatred for Christians which kinda scares me about. My dad gave me this whole speech on not to see these two movies coming out in 2006 called the “The Beast” and the “Davincci Code”. And though I have been persuaded into thinking that there is no God, I just can’t not believe that there is (if that makes sense). I have gone through a lot with my sister getting pregnant. My friend getting some disease and got her mom’s dog hit by a car. Too much excitement for me. Being pressured into having sex when I know for sure that I’m not ready. Being mocked all the time for being a Christian and a virgin. And most of all having people claw at my back all the time for every little thing I do. I don’t know if I’ll be posting on this board anymore very often. For certain reasons that are to be kept personal. Maybe in two weeks or so. I would at least like to say hi before I go back to that prison changer they call school. So I’ve had fun chatting with you guys. And I hope to here from you guys again soon. Love ya!
Stacey Angulo de Leon (that's my full name. I know. wow. my parent's were on that "stuff" when they made up my name)
Hey my subject matches my board name (badushk)
The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.
- Moulin Rouge (love that movie)
putting religion aside, your sexual feelings toward your bf and your pervert thinking and stuff is normal for someone your age. Correct me if I'm wrong but i believe thats what happens when you are still going through puberty. Its all the hormones and stuff surging throughyour body. You can help it. Religion has this funny way of making stuff like that seem bad and the truth is there is nothing wrong with feeling sexual. There are people in this word who think of suicide because they feel bad for looking at someone the wrong way or even mastubating. How absurd is that?? There is a line you have to draw that seperates religion and your own personal feelings.
Also stop feeling bad for being a virgin. Dont give in to peer pressure. It is your body and you deserve the right to choose to do whatever you want with it. Just because everyone else around you gave up their virginity doesnt mean you have to. Its the same as if you got a tattoo or piercings, it doesnt mean that all your friends are going to agree to getting them either. Honestly the way I see it, those people who make fun of you for being a virgin are doing it because they dont wanna be different. They want everyone around them to do the same so that others dont make fun of them for having sex as such a young age. Dont let it get to you. And don't feel embarrassed or ashamed for having those sexual thoughts its natural.
Don`t hang out with them if they make you feel uncomfortable.
And BTW , guess it`s time to stop your bs and take a shot at being 'normal' the way our society says it is
Ihave been raised in the church. Being a Christian does not make a great life. It is more that your religion and faith are things to turn to for comfort when things are bad, and to offer praise when things are good. There is a natural progression to faith, and there are six stepes, or levels. It might just be that you are growing from one step to a higher one, and there is no one available to help with the transition. Life is constantly in flux, and so this is a normal course. Only the weak give in to ploressure to give up what they know is right. Do not give in to those that say you should hace sex. Stay strong. If you need to talk, Smootches, PM me. I will be here. Don't quit. Fight
from deep inside a willing, wanton, wet, wonderful, womanly orafice
wow.. that was nice to hear somebody finally be open abut their religion.. im proud of you
Happiness is an attitude. We either make ourselves miserable, or happy and strong. The amount of work is the same.
Like Vincubus said, hang in there. Don't let the things others say, influence who you think you are or what you think you have to do. Just because others aren't christian or others have had sex before you, doesn't mean you should take their criticisms or remarks. You are who you choose to be. Stand up and be proud of who you really are. Peer pressure can be the catalyst for many things, most of them not good. So don't let yourslf be pressured by society or the people around you. If your friends are the ones giving you a tough time, then tell them how u feel or find new friends.
As for religion, everyone goes through pain and everyone goes through life constantly changing and constantly making mistakes. Everyone does it. Religion is a source of comfort for you and the things you have been going through have been putting a strain on your faith or your dependance in religion. Religion shouldn't be a source of pain or hurt but a source of comfort in this hectic world we live in. Don't let others influence your stand on religion.
And yea, dodging cars and crashing motorcycles isn't common, but you will face problems as you grow older. There will be pain, hurt, and bad times. But there will be good, happy and joyful times. Because THAT is life.
"I'll hold you in our last moment
Don't let go, don't fight it
I'll hold you as the sky falls
Hold onto me and stand tall
As fire rains fro...