Joke Thread

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Three prostitutes are standing on a corner.The first one: Sniffs the air and says, “I smell dick!”The second one: Sniffs and says, “I smell it too!”The third one says, “Excuse me. I burped.”Sorry if I told you guys this one before. It’s one of my favorites.

Three women come home from thier dates. They all live in an apartment building and are talkig in the elevator on the way to thier floors.The first one says "you know it was a good date when you come hme with your hair messed up" The other two notice every single hair on her head is out of place and giggle.the second one says " you know it was good dae when you get home and your make up is smeared"The other two look at her ad see that her lipstick is spread from ear to ear.The first two look at the third and ask what her how her date was. she reaches under her skirt, rips her panties off and throws them at the elevator wall where they stick.She says "Now thats a good fucking date" DIRTY JOHNNYA Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?" Stevie raised his hand and said, "He’s in heaven." Mary answeres, "He’s in my heart." Dirty Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He’s in our Bathroom!" The teacher was stupified. Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Dirty Johnny how he came to think Jesus was in his bathroom. dirty Johnny says "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, "Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!"Dirty Johnny was out with his grandmother for a walk and they come across a couple of dogs humping on the sidewalk. "What are they doing, grandma?" asks Johnny. The grandmother thinking quikly replies "The dog on top has hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor." "They’re just like people"says dirty Johnny."How do you mean?" asks grandma. "Offer someone a helping hand and they fuck you everytime!" A guy walks out of his house and over the fence he sees dirrty Johnny filling in a fairly good sized hole. Knowing it cant be good because it is after Dirty Johnny, he says "Hey johnny, whatcha doing over there" "well my goldfish died so Im giving him a funeral"Thinking about how large the hole is the man asks" Isnt that big hole for a tiny goldfish?""well" says johnny."I needed a big hole because he's in your fucking cats stomache"

......ewww I liked that one hehe

I know thousands of great jokes I just am too lazy to type them all out so I do it in spurts here an there

ok i have a joke...its not meant to offend anyone k lols.... One night in their room a wife standing naked in front of the mirror says to her husband "i look fat and ugly...pay me a compliment!" "ok," said husband,"your eye sights f*kn spot on!"

oops...i also love little johnny jokes so heres sum..... + Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!" The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go." Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!" +One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn't have to go to school the following Monday. On the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many grains of sand are in the beach?" Needless to say, no one could answer. The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, "How many stars are in the sky?" Again no one could answer. Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend. So Thursday night, Johnny takes two ping-pong balls and paints them black. The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag. At the end of the day, just when the teacher says, "Here's this week's question," Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the ping-pong balls rolling to the front of the room. Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts laughing. The teacher says, "Okay, who's the comedian with the black balls?" Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says, "Bill Cosby, see ya on Tuesday!" Hope You enjoy...

LMAO!

That was great!

A man and his wife go back to thier honeymoon spot from 50 years before for the anniversary. They stay in the same room at the hotel and plan to attend the same eatery as before. The woman excuses her self before they are to head to dinner to freshen up. While in the bathroom fshe fthinks "well 50 years ago we were yound and spry and didnt get out of this room alot, he was so handsome! " She decides that she wants to capture that youthful memory and relive the entire affair. She strips naked and opens the door to suprise her husband, emerges from teh bathroom running toward him and yells "SUPER PUSSY"She stands there before him, wrinkled and bent. He looks at her and says "I'll have the soup"

Blonde Joke (I know them all, this is my favorite)A blonde sits down on a plane. A lawyer sits down next to her. As the plane takes off the the lawyer says "This is going to be a long flight, let's make it interesting. Let's ask each other questions and if you get it right I will give you five dollars and if you get it wrong you give me five dollars and vice versa."The blonde replies, "Well, I don't know"The lawyer says, "Ok, I will give you twenty and you give me five"The blonde agrees and the lawyer asks the first question, "How far is the earth away from the sun?" The blonde says nothing, she just reaches in her purse and hands him 5 dollars.The blonde says, "Ok now my turn, What has 8 legs, 12 eyes, and is bigger than an elephant?"The lawyer replies, "I don't know" and he hands her 20 dollars. He then asks, "What is it?"The blonde says nothing, she just reaches in her purse and hands him 5 dollars.Dirty JokeA rooster and a cat are walking by a pool. The cat falls in and the rooster laughs. Why does the rooster laugh?Because a wet pussy makes a happy cock.

My favorite blonde joke (And I am a Blonde)What do you call it when a blonde dyes her hair? Artificial Intelligence.

I found this and because of Helms, I could NOT resist posting it here. Trust me I couldnt resist I tried for atleast ten minutes now before giving in

Q: What do you call a bodybuilder with a big penis?

A: A beginner

After Helms bragging baout the pringles can I couldnt just not post this

Haahahahhaha. It would be quite unfortunate seeing one of them naked. Everything would be so... out of proportion!

and one for Jen Jen.........Three Canadian blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter represented.The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."St. Peter said, "No," and he banished her to Hell.The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts."St. Peter said, "No," and he banished her to Hell.The third blonde said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when He was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested Him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and he died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder…"St. Peter said, "Very good."Then the blonde continued, "Now, every year they roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of hockey." its all in fun! dont worry if I find one about a scottish witch Ill be sure to include one for Angel so that noone is left out....

That joke has nothing to do with canadians, canadians was just thrown infront of blondes to take a shot at us. touche. I like the joke, good stuff

how about one more before I go check on dinner?One for aTa7.... Q: Why don’t Italians like Jehovah’s Witnesses? A: ’Cause Italians do not like any witnesses

Canadiens works well with Hockey, I am about the only one south of you that gives a shit about hockey so I couldnt jsut say blondes now could I?I suppose I could of changed it to six more weeks of winter... EDIT:OK I poked fun of some people here so in fairness I should take a shot at myself.......One day an old man sees a young boy smoking a cigarette.“Just how old are you, young man?” asks the elderly gentleman.“I’m six years old.”“So when did you start smoking?” asks the old man.“Ever since I first slept with a woman,” replies the boy.“And when was that?” “You know, I can’t remember,” says the boy. “I was drunk.”

yes that actuely does make sense now.

Two blondes were sitting outside on a beautiful, clear night. The first blonde asks, "I wonder which is further away, the moon or Florida?"The second blonde says, "Hello...can you see Florida?"

Actually, it was Sasha's show but that particular line came from his Borat character, not the Ali G character.Good shit though, I laughed like a maniacal bastard when I saw it.