Depression

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Hey yall.. Most of you all dont remember me. Im a long ago poster. But the ones that do, Hello once again.I usually only post when im having a problem, and well im having one. Im afraid im depressed again. I feel totally stuck where i am. Nowhere go . Husbands an addict,, which i dispise being around, hes not abusive , maybe verbally sometimes, but i hate to say it but he isnt a very good father. Hes lazy and only really cares about himself and his addiction. Ive tried to convince him t hat it wrong and that he needs to get clean not just for us. but for himself. But he alwasy says its not fair , or whatever. Always excuses, Which i totally understand thats his addiction talking, and i want to be understanding, he did quit the weed and the drinking once, but he had another adiction.. his girlfriend of 2 years. I dont know if he can do it on his own. Maybe she was the one that could keep him clean? It just seems like we discust each other. and i dream of another life, But im so dependant on him. AT the moment i am unemployed. Which i know i can find another job, but would i be able to support my kids the way id want to? Its selfsih of me to say but ive gotten used to my lifestyle and having that extra to do for my kids. But i also know that i cant live like this. I know he has a problem and i wish he /we could get through it, but i see that he doesnt want to. Maybe its me. Im probably not the most exciting person to live with, but sometimes i feel like both of us would be happier somewhere else. But back to square one,, i dont know how. Im so insecure. I just feel like i have so much to say, but dont even know where to begin. IS it this relationship thast making me depressed? I just dont know, what if i left and it was a mistake? and things were worse... Meds havent worked for me. ive tried several. I feel angry inside,, and sad. I love my kids. I wish i could provide a truly happy life for them. I know im rambling,,, but it feels good to let it out. .

I might be jumping the gun in saying this but, I think you might be placing too much importance in physical wealth.I'm 19 and I have had a silver spoon my entire life. However, my concern for my parents changes with the tide. At times they some how manage to do something totally awesome(not nessicerly buying something) and I'm like 'ok cool.'. then as soon as I give em an inch they screw it up and I'm right back to "my parents are idiots and I'll never really contact them as soon as they finish paying for college"I have never been without things I seriously wanted. I have always had the physical items I want. However, on the flip side.. I feel kinda safe in saying I'm emotionally distant from my parents.I haven't spoken to my biological father in a long time. my understanding he equates to a good for nothing alchohalic. I really don't care if he is or isn't. I would probably be better off If I didn't remember him at all. And I can say with honesty I don't feel much in the way of attachment to my step father at all.However, I think the one thing threw it all that I can say is that physical wealth is great... but, nothing physical cures an emotionally dry atmosphere.I don't know how old your kids are and I can't really give advice on what should be done. All I can really say is whatever you do. Teach your kids to love you. And make sure they understand that you love them. I am speaking as a guy with access to pretty much what he wants.. its great to have what you want in terms of items. However, far greater problems can be caused regardless of what items you have. All I can really go with is what bill cosby said "teach your children to love you unconditionally"I don't really know the age or understand the full circumstances of your situation. Hell I'm probably the least qualified person on the board to give advice on this subject so take anything I say with a grain of salt. I do however wish you the best of luck.

You're kids wil understand that you're going through a tough time. Get a full time job, and as soon as you have that job locked, leave him. Get out of there, you're not happy, he isn't happy, your kids if they're old enough, know what's going on and hate it more then you. You're kids are most important here, and as such they need a stable envrionment, one far from addiction. Money has nothing to do with stable environment.

Well said.OP Keep us updated.Never sacrifice integrity for whats easy at the moment.

DOC = Drug of choice???I believe pot and alcohol was what she said when we talked a few days ago. I really feel sorry for her. Dawn is such a sweetheart and deserves much better.

he did quit the weedThat's retarted. But I don't want this topic to turn itno another weed debateAnyway, to the TC (Topic Creator):You say his "last" addiction is his ex-gf? I dunno, if I were you, I'd be bitching at him to let her go, since you guys are together/married now, right?!? Why would you be ok with him being "addicted" to some other ex?That's all I'm going to say for now, since this is out of my league.

He did end it over a year ago but has since started getting stoned and drunk all the time.

He did quit the weed for a time, during the time he was clean, he had a girlfriend. when i found out about the girl,the relationship stoped as far as i know.He had once again started smoking again, and drinkng, HE stays in our/his room, and get wasted. It apears to me that he doesnt care about his family. He stay s locked away in that room.I feel bad that i cant help him. I want tobe able to help him because in know what addiction is like, but i just feel like i cant helphim, that he needs something else. ANd i hate myself for keeping myself in the place that i am in. This is not me, I have become someone that i dont want to be.I feel he and i both would be happier somewhere else. But i just dont know how to move on. He is all i know, and of course i worry about him. i sometime wish that someone would come along and take him away and take care ofhim, i guess the way i dont know how. ANd i wish i had t he courage to move on and jsut live the life that i need to live with my kids. I know i need to make a move,but i am truly afraid. Im like a scared child with nowhere to go. ANd im scared for him.The weed makes him paranoid, never wanting to get out , to do anything with his family, the drinking scares me actualy. To see him so drunk is a scary feeling,knowing that he cant walk straight, and fall in to t he wall, trying to make it to t he the bathroom. It really does break my heart. I catch myself checking on himm in the night to make sure he is still breathing. i Do fear that he will OD on something,ANd i feel bad that i want to leave him like this. I dont know what to do any more. HElms, Yeah his DOC is weed , alcohol , xanax.. and not sure what else. I feel guilty for ratting him out to you guys , because he does work and provid for his family. HE just has other things going on that i cant help him with, I just want to be happy thats all.

Hes never been to Detox before. Which i know he would benefit from it. Right now i dont think he wants to.He tells me that he cant sleep, that this helps him sleep. Thats all he says. He wont talk to me. He never has. The last time has was clean he went to see a therapist and a phychiatrist. He says it was all BS. he continued to go , he said because his mom and i made him go. Which of course we didnt, we did encourage it.He got put on anti depressants., ambien , and xanax! He eventully stopped going. He now gets his meds from our family doctor. His still is on antidepressants and xanax. The doc diagnosed him with agoraphobia and depression. Maybe he burying something. I dont know,maybe he doesnt know. He wont talk to me. Maybe im not a good person to talk to. Maybe im the problem? I want out,we've been down this road before, and im tired of everything. , but then i feel guilty. Im just so confused as what to do and im scared to do anything.. I just want happiness.And i want him to be happy. Maybe if i left that would help him? Or maybe it would make it worse. Im screaming in my head!!!!!!

I am not an expert here, but what about YOU going to ALONON, or something like it.

Learn about addiction, mental health, and about how that all works, both for you and your husband?

His addictions are NOT something you did. They are something that HE CHOSE, and chooses every day. You can learn how to not accept it. You can learn how to get yourself together.

I left abuse, and I was there for a long time before I found the strength, and ability to get the heck out. I AM happier now. But I WILL say it sure as hell wasn't easy. I DID feel sorry for him for a while. It is difficult to change out of a situation that you are comfortable in (whether you like the situation or not, if you know it, you're comfy). Hard stuff.

Good luck! You can do what you know is right! (And it isn't black and white!)

Thanks everyone for all of the advice. Pepsichaser thank you for your advice. I know i need to take care of myself and the kids. ANd thats what i plan to do. Im going to be happy one day. You are proof that it can be done.Helms, i do believe that the flame has gone. Even when he was sober for a time, we wernt happy together. I truley believe that its time to move on. I will sit down with him and discuss things, Soon..Thanks guys for the support. It has helped alot.

His addiction not yours.His battle not yours.Simple as that. If he doesn't want your help.. that his problem. If he doesn't want to get better. Thats his problem. Not yours.You should never have to suffer because of someone elses transgressions.

But when you have children involved, it's not as easy to just write someone off.

Nothing is ever as easy with kids involved nor is it as easy when you yourself are the one having to step up to the plate and actually do it.Its always easier said then done. However, does that make it wrong? I admire her dedication to try to resolve things fully.Infact if there was any chance of things being resolved I would say take them. However, Its also never a good idea to lead yourself on. Can you honestly think there is any chance of it working out?