Love, Sex, Respect & Kink

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I'm developing a bit of problem... among my plethora of other issues.As I've said on many occasions, on this forum, I love my wife very much and after eleven years of marriage I still, honest to god, think she's the hottest, sexiest woman around. That's no bullshit.My problem is that I'm a rather kinky fucker, well real kinky fucker, and the longer I've been married to her the less I feel comfortable being kinky around her, with her. Now she's no pure little girl. She is, or was when I was comfortable with it, kinky as hell herself.It's like the longer I've been around her the more I put her on pedestal and the less comfortable I feel getting freaky with her. It's like, "she's my wife and you don't do those kind of things to someone you love." Yes, I'm aware I said "to someone you love" rather than with someone you love. But, that's how I feel.It's been a long slow process. I mean when we were first together sex with a third party (a guy) wasn't out of the question. In fact we set out to do it one time but because of a prairie fire it didn't work out. For the next ten years after that the kink and freak has slowly been dialed down, because of me and my discomfort about it. It's getting so bad now that I honestly don't even feel comfortable talking about sex with her and keep in mind we did some freaky shit.I like kinky, freak show sex and I want to get back to that with her but try, as much as I have, I can't seem to get back to that place. I've been working at overcoming these feeling for years now and all it does is seem to get worse and worse with passing time. It feels like I can't have dirty sex with someone I respect and am gonna spend my life with.

So maybe don't tell her.. write it in a hot steamy letter and leave it for her to read. I bet more than anything (since you said she's a kinky lady herself) that she'd be ready to rekinkle those kinky fantasies.Maybe she's thinking the same way about you as you are about her..

Originally Posted By: RadIt'll help you to "understand" that the person you are fucking can be separated from the woman you love and adore without any problem. ???Why the soup would you wanna do that?

Interesting...In some ways that sounds like me but not to such god awful extreme. My mother was anything but distant and the only character trait my wife and mother share is that they are both very independent. Other than that they're pretty much exact opposites.More than any Freudian incest complexes I think has to do with my own personal view of sex itself and how I have approached and dealt with sex throughout my life. While there may be a single root cause it's not this Freudian one. Maybe it's just my prejudice against Freud. I've always held Freud to be a bit to simple and neat for the shit of actual life. I tend to think life experiences and life choices have more influence on a person than infantile unconsciousness.

That really doesn't fit with this. The Madonna thing, maybe on it's face and to some extent fits but not really. I have no problem lusting after her in my mind, and often do. It's actually doing it, or if it's done, being embarrassed about it that's the problem.As for other people, sure I fantasize about 'em but that's it. I don't pursue them or even think about pursuing them when not wanking or fantasizing. I really don't have any genuine interest in other people, at least not in that way... with the notable exceptions of Eddie and Lish. The bi thing... no. I know I'm not straight down the middle bi. For me, my bi(ness) isn't being attracted to both sexes equally all the time. It's wavering back and forth from one sex to the other over, say, the course of year. For the last six months, or so, I've been into women pretty much. Probably in a month or two I'll be into guys again. It's a pain in the ass, for sure... but what the hell are ya gonna do.

I'm not trying to be curt or anything, so please don't take it that way, but get over and work through what?I know my sexuality, it wains and waxes over time. I don't know that there's anything that can be done about that. It would be similar to telling someone who's gay to not be gay. It's who you are, you can't change it. I honestly don't think I would want to change it. Maybe I'm overstating it. It's not like for these few months I find only girls attractive and have no interest in guys and then for the next few months I'm only interested in guys and have no desire for women. It's much more subtle than that. It's more like these few months I'm more interested in women and these few months I'm more interested in men. I can still be attracted to women when my interest is more in men and that's true for the converse as well. I mean if I see a hot lookin' man or women walk buy it's not like they won't get a rise out of me regardless of who I'm more interested in. It's just a subtle change that's the only way I know to explain it.

The more you grow to love her, the less comfortable you feel doing kinky stuff with her. For others it's the opposite, only kinkyness can spark the flame between them. It's all in the mind, it's all psychological, as you know. Sometimes if we really want to change something, we have to navigate in waters we are not comfortable in. Which means if you really want to be a freak around your wife, you'll just have to bite the bullet and do it. Reverse psychology might work for you, since like myself you seem to have a backward way of thinking.

Hmm , the 'kinky' things you get upto , are not aimed to dis-respect or humiliate your wife, so i don't think you should think that by doing such bedroom activities you mean her any form of dis-respect. They are just things that yo find pleasurable!!The bedroom desires , are just there to make you both get that added 'high', and maybe , just maybe , your wife would also take pleasure from your kinky fantasies, and i have no doubt she has some of her own. "she's my wife and you don't do those kind of things to someone you love."Just because you have some very 'kinky/freak' bedroom desires doesnt make you love or respect her any less. Surely the more you love someone the more things you are able to do with him/her, even if they may seem a little odd!You said you love her, and surely this alone makes you able to be open with her about sexual likes dislikes and so on and so forth.However thats my opinion , i hope it helps!Tor x

I'm no expert, but it seems like the problem is that he is seperating the two. Shouldn't they be one in the same??I think he has to figure out why he's seeing her differently and why the sex now makes him see her as something less than what she is.

I'm thinking along the same lines as Eddie. If it were me, I would feel pretty sad to know that my hubby felt he couldn't get kinky with me anymore. I think you need to talk to her. If you can't talk to her, I think writing your thoughts and feelings down is a good idea.Or grab her and go to a fetish ball. (Do they even have those in OK?) They bring out the kink in everyone! And if that doesn't work, Eddie and I will provide our services to you.