Don't Want to be Gay, Help!

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I don't see how what I'm saying condones what happened to Matthew Shepard, that was horrible and all but the unfortunate truth is it probably would not have happened if he wasn't gay. I'm not getting into any kind of hate speech, I just personally believe it's unnatural and a product of 20th century political correctness and open-mindedness. Yes, I know it's been around forever but only recently did it become a hip fad.I'm generally a douche to anyone I perceive as being happier than me, sadly I just want the whole world to be as miserable as I am. There may be no way to act straight but there are certainly ways to act gay, what are some subtle hints someone is gay? Like the way the talk, walk, or chew their food, etc. Like I said earlier this is the part I liken to "spy training" because I want to be a lifelong infiltrator into the heterosexual world.

I didn't say what you wrote condoned anything. What I was saying is that being a dick to somebody because you have issues in your own mind is wrong. I don't care whether your being a dick cause your terrified you might be gay or if it's because you stubbed your toe on the bedpost. Neither give you the right to treat other people in a generally shitty manner.

I'm not really going out of my way to be a dick, I just won't do them any favors. And by being a douche-bag I mean I just want to come across as unfriendly to other males. I also think it's important to exhibit rage and anger all the time because that's what alpha males do in order to protect their territory.

Quote: I also think it's important to exhibit rage and anger all the time because that's what alpha males do in order to protect their territory.Generally only to direct rivals in the rutting season - and humans, who don't have a rutting season, don't work the same way. Keeping constant rage is very unhealthy, both psychologically and physically (the mind and body are not designed to be in a constant state of stress).

I'm thinking in terms of dogs not deer. You have your alpha wolf which is always in control and will take out any other wolf that tries to challenge him.Anyways, today is day 1 of my sobriety. No more gay thoughts, no looking at gay material, talking to homosexuals online, etc. I am an addict and I need to take things one day at a time if I am to cure myself. I'm even trying to get my jacking off down to once per day. I'd appreciate all the support I can get.Thanks

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I'm thinking in terms of dogs not deer. You have your alpha wolf which is always in control and will take out any other wolf that tries to challenge him.

And we are also not wild animals.. we are civilized (well most of the human race anyways lol :wink: ).

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I'd appreciate all the support I can get.

I'm here to support you in helping you come to terms with your sexuality, but I cannot support the idea of a person lying to themselves and avoiding the issue, which can have dire consequences.

In your last couple posts theres a lot I want to say, but right now I am not sure its worth the time or effort. I think the main point of anything I will have to say is that you need professional help. You'll never lead a satisfying life unless you can come to terms and accept yourself, regardless of the orientation. You have a lot of skewed perception of homosexuality and homosexuality in society.

So I will hold off posting my rebuttles for now until I decide if its worth the effort.

EDIT: I wanted to make something clear, its not that you are not worth my time.. its the fact I don't want it to be wasted energy if its not going to help YOU in the long run.

I don't really think of it as "lying" because I still like girls at least a little and during the times when I have had a girl to be with, that was enough to satisfy me. I guess that would make me bisexual at least and if that's the case I can just just choose which team I want to play for.Sometimes I think if I just isolate myself from the rest of society that would be the solution, besides I really just hate humanity in general.

Quote:I really just hate humanity in general.I think it would be well worth exploring that more deeply. I wonder if your feelings about your sexuality include a component of self-hate?

I dunno but I have probably a dozen other mental illnesses most likely: OCD, manic depression, bipolar, antisocial personality disorder, social anxiety disorder, and I really don't do shit about them other then self-medicate on pot.

I understand you want support. I understand you are struggling. But I also understand that you are looking at this the wrong way. Murder, theft, assault -- we learned those things were not genetic. Remeber Eugenics? But we have evidence, research, that being gay is nature not nurture.You and I have a lot in common. I used to masturbate to gay porn. I'd get horny around my male friends. I talked to boys on the Internet. Then I would cum and feel disgust and shame. I've been raised all my life that being gay is wrong. And I'm an atheist as well. I have strong scientific convictions. So I understand that genes are genes. I have wanted to go to law school all my life. I was on the debate team for four years. Last year, I was the number one debater in my state. I led my team to Movk Trial nationals where we placed VERY high. And when people hear me speak, they turn heads. They don't think "I wonder if he's gay". They say "he's going to do something great". I have a dad. I have a lot of guy and girl friends. I'm popular. I'm good looking. I wasn't bullied. I've had sex with 12 girls multiple times. NONE OF IT MATTERS. Right now, I am the happiest I've ever been. I am talking to a boy. And he's amazing. He isn't flamboyant. He's kind and caring and smart. He gives me butterflies. And I want to have kids and a family. But adoption is fine for me. I am in college. And no one thinks I'm gay. Men don't approach me. And I don't know if I'm gay. But I know I like one boy. And you know what? When I masturbate to him I feel no shame. I don't care if I'm gay or straight. I'm going to law school. I'm smart. I'm driven. I was accepted into 7 of the top 30 colleges. I am going to be in politics someday. And I'm going to help people. You obviosly think there is more to life than eating, sleeping, and reproducing. You yourself want to go to law school and have a family. You want happiness just like everyone else. You have to stop worrying what people will think. Fuck them. More and more movies are portraying gays as normal, because they are. Black men and women are still portrayed as gangsters or thugs or uneducated. Do think that black people want to bleach their skin? Or learn to be white because of some racist driven demographic? No. Be who you are. I can't tell you if you're gay or bi. I can't tell you how to be "less gay" whatever that means. All I can say is that gay men and women are normal. They are people and deserve respect. Saying they are like pedophiles or deviants is nothing more than a logical fallacy. It's a straw man argument. Live life. Don't worry about other people. Do something great. I know I will. I don't let the stupidity if humanity change me. If you hate humanity so much, if you dislike people so much, then why do you let them influence your life decisions? I'm sorry if I was rude. I hope it helps.

Thank you Felix, that was a great post :smile:

You know I really don't care anymore. I'm extremely far from normal even if I were 100% straight and I think there's so many things wrong with me even if I were 100% attracted to women no woman would ever want me. I am just giving up on life and everything. I am just going to withdraw from social life altogether and spend more and more time alone til I develop some kind of multiple personality.

Ya know, no one benefits from that. You're smart. You've made a lot more effort to understand things than a lot of people would. You came here. You wanted help. So don't give up. Let someone be there for you. I understand depression. I tried to kill myself in 9th grade. Depression isn't pretty for everyone. I mean, you could give up.You could stop trying. You could hide away and let things run their course. Or you could fight. You could get over the "normal" people. No one is normal. I'm sorry. It's true. Everyone is a little screwed up. What separates the "normal" people from the rest is the willingness to fight. The willingness to take control of their own lives. You can do that. You can be happy. It's not something just handed to you. You have to work for it. Why are you so very unhappy?Is it because of the gay thing? Because that's something a lot of people can help with here. Is it because you can't fond a girl? You're young. You don't know what lies ahead. You can't worry about it so much. Live life. Find good, solid friends. If you keep chasing girls the right one may never pop up. I truly believe everyone has someone they are meant to be with. So don't fret. Don't hide away or kill yourself. If you do then all the great things I'm sure you are capable of won't happen. The person out there that you could wake up to and kiss every morning will be denied what they deserve. So live. People suck. The world sucks. Don't let that change you.

Well said!

I really never should have came here. I've been more depressed ever since I posted this and got all the responses. I feel like I'm going through the stages of death with this. I didn't get the answers I wanted and I am resigned to the end that I will never become an open homosexual, I will gladly face death before that happens.I've been depressed years before this though and hypothetically even without this I'd probably eventually die by my own hand. Since I was 12 years old I pretty much realized I would die due to suicide sooner or later. As for fighting, I see what I am doing now as fighting. I am fighting the toughest fight of all and I will emerge victoriously or through mutually assured destruction both myself and my deviant thoughts will die together. I'm unhappy for a ton of reasons. Like I said before even without being gay or bisexual I'm still not as good as everyone else. I lack social skills, I don't believe I'm worthy enough for anyone, I can only breath out of one nostril at a time, and my hands sweat constantly to the point I can't even shake hands without being embarrassed or even take notes in class without soaking the paper. This is just the breaking point, the one thing more I needed to send me over the edge.I don't know what I'm going to do but I might as well just drop out of school and become a recluse alcoholic. I don't see the point in life if you can't be a normal, regular person and let's not get into a discussion of "normal" because you all know what I mean.

All I can say is get professional help. As a forum I think we have done all we can to help you. I think you need someone with more professional skills to help you work through your depression. There is no harm or foul in asking for help. So again I stress to please seek out a counselor, you have a long life ahead of you and you deserve to be happy.

Quote:Like I said before even without being gay or bisexual I'm still not as good as everyone else.That's what depression tells you, but it lies. You see yourself from the inside, but you see other people from the outside - a very different perspective. People tend to suppress their faults and not let them show on the outside. Other people have lots of faults and failings too! Quote:I lack social skills,So do most people on the Net - and indeed I think it is normal for Generation Y as a whole. Quote:I don't believe I'm worthy enough for anyone,That's depression again. Let the other people decide that. Quote:I can only breath out of one nostril at a time,I believe it is normal that one nostril takes most of the airflow at any one time. Perhaps you have more secretions because of the anxiety. Quote:and my hands sweat constantly to the point I can't even shake hands without being embarrassed or even take notes in class without soaking the paper.This could also be the anxiety disorder. Depression and anxiety beyond the normal aren't things you have to live with - there are treatments.

Ok so where I'm at right now is I'm pretty sure girls turn me on to some extent. I've concentrated purely on sexual thoughts about women and produced an erection so that's good and I'll leave it at that. At least it means I can have an actual life.Any feeling I ever had that was deviant is a result of the internet. I bet there are a whole generation of kids only gay because of the internet. If not for the internet I would have never been exposed to any of this and probably never had the slightest inclination.I'm glad this happened and I became sure I was attracted to girls because up until then I felt like Hitler and Eva Braun in the bunker in the last days of the third reich, desperate with nothing left but a cynaide ampule and a bullet in the head because the alternative was far too terrible.

Quote:I bet there are a whole generation of kids only gay because of the internet. Highly doubtful, homosexuality has been around since most likely the beginning of time... but for the sake of argument, homosexuality has been around since there has been documentation. It’s nothing new and it’s never going to change.There aren't more homosexuals now than there was say 50-100 years ago, it's just the fact its becoming more accepted hence people don't have to hide. I cannot wait for the day when people stop looking at something as small as sexuality as a term of definition; it takes multitudes of items to define a person.Regardless of your sexuality you'll never accept yourself because you continue to link the word "Deviant" with "Homosexuals" which is not true, not to mention you have this idea that you cannot have a “normal” life if your are homosexual/bi. I am just one of any that will tell you otherwise. Just because a person is homosexual/bi doesn't make them a deviant, strange as this sounds to some people.. it makes them human.Take Care of yourself and I hope you are true to yourself and never live your life based on other people’s opinions and standards.

You know I really find it difficult to associate homosexuality with anything besides deviant. I spent a lot of time browsing m4m personals and any arousal or curiousity I had pretty much went away after reading some. Never mind that anyone on there was far below my standards and I just found the image of a man to be disgusting.

Most of them consist of people stating the are "poz", into being "bred", having someone anonymously show up and pound their ass without even making eye contact, sick shit. Who the fuck meets someone on the internet and has sex with them without a condom? Who has that low self esteem they leave their door open and post their address?

I certainly have never ever heard of a woman spreading her pussy and lying down waiting for some stranger to come up and fuck her, or a woman going into a public restroom to get fucked by a random slob. there is things here that never happen in heterosexuality. Homosexuality is so full of perversion and such shame.

There's also always the thought of aids with anything gay which really dissuades me.

I understand this isn't always the case and gays can have normal relationships but it certainly isn't reflected to this level with heterosexuality. This is why I can't be gay and cannot associate with that level of depravity.