Why couldn't I?

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Last night I was going to kill myself. I wrote out a simple note and placed it next to me. I took the knife, stabbed it into my wrist but as I started to pull it down (Not across, I heard if you do it down they cant help you) I started to wonder if it was really going to work. I then got a bit paranoid it wasn't going to work. What if I woke up in a hospital? I dont want that, I want to simply die. Anyone else ever had this problem? I keep thinking it might be better to run my car into a tree, but that doesn't always work.

I thought things were going better for you. What's happened?

They were. Everything was starting to look up. Then it dropped back to point one, and that killed me. Now for the last 4 or 5 weeks, I've been thinking about killing myself. I no longer want to live. I dont care to see the future. I just want to know how to overcome this little paranoia so I can do the deed I want to do.

remember wut i told u.

fabmx man we all love you hear cut that shit out

Is it possible that you couldn't do it because deep down you really didn't want to do it? Sounds like you might have some pretty healthy strivings. Ever read 'Feeling Good' by Dr.David Burns? It changed my life.Hang in there and let people help you.

I've been trying to get help... I go to a pychiatrist now, but Im just not happy. I began to question certain things in my life and it put me back in a slump. I dont know.. Im just lost and feel empty..

Suicide is never the answer. I'm not having the time of my life either, we all go through troubles...but there is a solution for every problem. Some just take time to find. Hang in there

It still amazes me how many of you out there say you wanna kill yourselves - when you must have read other posts on here from people who have gone through some bad shit - and come through it and their lives have gone on to be sooooo good!NOTHIN is EVER as bad as it seems - and things ALWAYS get better - why would you want to give up? I know it probably means nothing, but my daughter was born blind with a hole in her heart, and over christmas she punctured her eye, yeah a big hole and stuff coming out etc......but...........even with everything she has to put up with, all the shit she has to go through, the fact she will never SEE a sunset, or the faces of anyone she loves, dolphins.......she smiles constantly, shes a fighter and is determined to enjoy every bit of her life to the max.......I have to admit is makes me angry to think that young healthy people out there are thinking of ending their lives - when she goes through so fucking much to live hers - and being depressed etc - I went through 3 years of severe depression, and came out SO much stronger than i was.If you can't think about your own life, think about how so many other peoples lives are far worse than your own, and they don't give up - things are never as bad as they seem and they ALWAYS get better - don't give up!!!!

FabMX: hon i hope you don't think my post above was meant in a bad way, I have just read it through, and it could be taken that way - and it SOOOOO wasn't meant that way at allI just wanted to say, things ALWAYS get better - DON'T give up hon - if you wanna unload to a complete stranger please PM me......again sorry if i came across all bitchy - it so wasn't my intention!!

"I cried because I had no shoes, until I saw the man who had no feet"....Cheesy as it may sound that always gets me through hard times. I agree with angelwitch. There is always someone worse off than you. I bet there is someone out there that wishes they had the problems that you do. All will be well in time. And besides, if you think things are so bad right now, you're rock bottom.....where else could it go but up?

hon, i am so glad you didn't think that i was being nasty in my post, and saw what I was trying to say, tho you said it a lot better than me laffin

Just wanted to make a comment about one of the posts made by AngelWitch and how she says "my daughter is blind but she lives life to the fullest" Im not disagreeing with what she is saying, just making a comment.I can gurantee you that your daughter would be depressed had she not had her mother, family, friends, and people that care for her and support her greatly. I've read autobiographies onbooks written by handicapped individuals and its really inspiring. So what though? Just reading about them makes you feel even more miserable because you are physically healthy and are wasting or have wasted your life. No severly depressed individual is gonna see someone handicapped and say "oh i have it so much better than that person, I should be thankful, so im not going to be depressed anymore yippeee!" but instead you just feel like shit and feel sorry for yourself b/c here you are with 20/20 vision, 10 fingers and toes, no disabilities, going no where in life except straight for the graveyard. If you have been depressed you know how this feels, its just a vicious self destructive cycle. I get pissed at myself for how I am, and that I know there are kids starving on the streets somewhere and that I have it much better compared to those people. So what? I would rather be stone broke and have caring friends and family than be sittin here on a fat bank account from drug deal money and feeling totally hopeless about my life. Comparing yourself to someone who is in a worse situation and using that to make yourself feel better is a shitty way of handling your problems in my opinion. It might help to know that your problem is not as severe as someone elses, but doesnt change the fact that you are depressed and want to kill yourself or etc. I agree, some people I know have stupid problems and just say they wanna die, but to me their problem is nothing compared to mine, but we have different values, we experience different things in life that changes our way of thinking...so something important to one guy might not be to me. So if you see or hear someone say they wanna die or whatever and u think their reasons are not worth dying for, think twice and put yourself in their perspective if you can and try to see why they say what it is that theyre saying or feeling. Therapists would help so much if they realized this.I truly believe that had I been born to a different family, had a totally different childhood, met different people, I would not have turned out the way I did (a drug addict/dealer, college failure, no friends, suicidal). I have no one who cares for me, and that kills your spirit, knowing that you are on your own. The environment which u are raised in has a huge impact on your future, and thats something I as a kid had no control over. So I question why god put me where I am and why I have to go through all this suffering, and not someone else. See, its not as simple as you think, people who want to kill themselve has spent countless sleepless nights debating if they should or not, and just cuz someone says "dont go, good things will come", its probably coming out from the other ear and doesnt help at all. At least thats how I am and I can understand why FabMX is suicidal and why he feels how he feelsSorry for the long post.

Im sorry for posting

FaBMXit is your absolute right to end your life, but first think of yourself 10, 20, 30 years from now. I have danced with the blade so often that I will wear (and try to conceal) the scares forever. My life got better and so will yours!There is no up without a down, but there is no down without an up!!

I agree that you have ultimate control of your own life, but I don't think a depressed person is in the right frame of mind to make a decision about his own suicide...it's paradoxical.

FaBMX, you have to tell your psychiatrist what you did and how you feel...you must get in contact with him/her immediately if you feel suicidal. And if you have difficulty communicating with that person, then you need to find another.

FaBMX, look at all the people that care about you. I know you feel down right now and I know you are questioning your fate. But these are episodes/points in your life that knock you back from time to time, hey happen to everyone - only in your case it's other issues. Anyone that's had depression will know or have an idea what you're going through. You've certainly had it rough, but you prove something each time you are back; and that is the simple fact you are a 'fighter!' just like what someone said about their daughter. In my mind we all build ourselves up into a state that we can't see through, but there is a way out. The thing is, we can only show you the door, you have to walk through it. By this, I mean when you are feeling suicidal, we are here to talk to if you want and you are the only one in control of your actions - we will say or do the best of our ability to help, but you can stop, if you believe it so truely and dearly with your heart. You have friends here, don't feel alone. We will help you. We love you FaBMX. I hope you are feeling better.

I want to do it. I want to end my life. Everything will start to look up, then it all fails and hits rock bottom. Each time I pull my head up and try to build some hope again. Saying 'It wont fail this time.. It will work out' then it fails again. I'm tired of hitting rock bottom. This happens anywhere from 2 days to 4 month intervals. I see how the world is going. It gets worse and worse everyday. I dont want to be around to see the end of humanity. I dont want to see anymore wars. I dont want to see anymore terriost attacks. I dont want to see a nuclear war. I dont want to see when the US breaks into a 2nd Civil War because society has become so divided on issues. Im tired of the protests, the arguements, the fights. I see my lack of concern for human life, I see my peers lack of concern. Whats happen? Why is everything so differn't? Why is 1/2 of America on anti-depressents? Why do so many other countries hate me, just because Im an American? Why? Why? Why? I dont want to see anymore of this. I'm done with it. Everything leads to failure and the world is so far gone. See where Im coming from? It just doesn't make any sense to carry on this nonsense of a life I live. I really do want to see whats next? What happens when I die.... That sounds like an awesome adventure to me. Will I be back where I was? Will I be differn't? Is there anything?

Yes, there are a lot of bad things in the world. Some are getting better, but many are getting worse. But that's not a reason to leave. Your job is to try to make the world a bit better. It's not a fun job (though there's some fun in it at times), it's serious and difficult and you and I and 6 billion others have been entrusted with it.

I think if you get to the after-life too soon, you'll be asked why you didn't do your job.

Yeah, thats true. I just get down sometimes. You know how it is. It just seems never to get better. I keep picking my head up and pressing on, but that gets challenging.