I have been going out with a girl for a year and a half. She lives in New York, I live in California. We met over the internet, however we have met up many times over the course of the relationship. We were deeply in love with each other for well over a year, but as of late (The last month or so) my feelings have really diminished for her. She loves me INSANELY, she is really attached and I know she is, to the point where she thinks I am the one and she wants us to be together forever. I used to feel this way, and it felt SO GREAT to be as in love as I was, but the feelings are now gone. I've tried everything I can to get them back, but its no use, i'll never feel for her the way I did.All this is making her suffer, because we spend a lot of time on the phone and she is always asking why im not sweet like I used to be, why i dont do this and why i dont do that like I used to. I cant help the way I feel, and i've done all I can to get the feelings back. I even tried to break up with her 2 weeks ago and she basically refused to accept it, and so we keep on going. She is constantly crying because she wants to move out here for college/to finish high school (I am currently 18, she is 16) but I know that wont happen for at least a couple of years.I do not know what to do. The longer the relationship goes on, the more she will suffer because she REFUSES to break it up, in hopes that if we could only be together it will solve the problem. Who knows if it will, but it wont be for a long time. Am I an asshole? I feel really sorry for her because I know exactly how she feels for me and I wish I could feel the same way in return. She doesnt deserve this, but she continues to put herself through it because she will not let the relationship break off.After typing this out and reading it, I really feel like an asshole, but should I really mask my lack of feelings and let things go on the way they currently are? She was my first girlfriend, my first kiss, my first true love, we lost our virginity to each other, and the thought of our relationship ending brings tears to my eyes, because i've truly spent some of the best moments of my life with her but for some reason my feelings are gone and I think it would be best for both of us to break up. I think it might have been this one big fight that we had awhile back, because I have felt a little different since. We have made up and that was many months ago, but that seemed to have been the moment where my feelings started going downhill. I dont know. All I know is she is incredibly sweet and incredibly loving and she doesnt deserve somebody who cannot truly love her.I've also heard that once you first have sex with somebody, that can cause things to go downhill and kill the relationship. Could that be it? We started about 2 months ago while she was here in CA for the summer.
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Grrr, break up?
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Sex usually enhances a relationship, so i don't feel its the reason for your change of feelings. I actually get the feeling you are scared that she feels as strongly as she does, and that she is so sure you are the one - You are right tho, she doesn't deserve to be with someone that doesn't love her the same way, and you know you have to end it. If you really don't love her any more then there is little point for either of you being together, and tho is will be very hard, you can't keep stringing her on, and you can't keep tearing yourself up about how you feel. Bite the bullet and do what needs to be done.
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Hmmmm, how long had you been seeing each other in person before having sex? I do agree with the above poster, sex usually does help a relationship, although taking it too fast may have detrimental effects if both parneters are not ready. I'm only asking because what you described seemed like a long distance relationship of sorts, and although I believe your feelings towards each other existed, perhaps seeing that much of her physically all at once displaced your feelings?Well, regardless, if you truly wish to break up, you're going to have to play the part of the asshole. I know you're probably not such a bad guy, although anything short of cutting it off as colding as possible will probably continue whatever detrimental effects having someone around who doesn't love her back has on her. She might go a little into the depressed side, but she'll get over it and move on eventually. That is if you are certain of your intentions. Don't worry, she's young, she'll bounce back.It's hard for anyone to really give you an idea of what would be "right" other than you. Me personally would try to openinly and frankly have a long talk with her, about my feelings and her's. Although at this point, having tried to break up once it seems this relationship is beyond the "salvagable" point.
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This is absolutely horrible, i've tried probably three or four times now to break up with her since I made that post and she is in complete denial "I know you love me somewhere inside..." etc etc. I've also been giving HUGE hints in the way I talk to her (We talk on the phone every day) just not talking to her like a boyfriend, im not trying to be an asshole but i've just been trying to give the impression that i'm not interested anymore, I dont want this relationship.Just today I said (in a nutshell) "Look, we need to talk. Its over, my feelings are gone, I want to move on." I never thought I could ever hear a human being react the way she is reacting, she still is at this very moment. I dont know what the hell to do, i'm afriad of her trying to kill herself or something. She's absolutely lost it. Should I hang up? Tell her I have to go? Stay on the line with her? God this sucks. This relationship is beyong salvageable as far as I am concerned, she is probably going to want to fly out here and try to save it, and that would be bad.
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She keeps asking "Why Why why? Why dont you love me? Why are you doing this?" and I DONT KNOW! I dont know why the fuck my feelings are gone but they are, what should I say?!
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Just tell her..say "I don't love you anymore, im sorry but i've been trying to tell you and you won't accept it.we're through.we aren't going out anymore" and if she throws a fit then tell her to grow up or you'll hang up
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tell her you know some anondude who will take her
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You're in a bad spot. My ex did similar things to me for months. He just wouldn't let go. It got so bad he barged into my house in the middle of the night (I was in bed sleeping with my current boyfriend) and dragged me out of bed. He harrassed me every time I saw him to the point where I finally had to call the police.My suggestion, be an asshole. You have to. She will not go away until you do. You may even have to go as far as tell her you've been seeing someone else. It's rotten, but in the long run, it will be better for her and you. Believe me, friendship will return at a later date. I am now speaking with my ex again after 4 months. He finally moved on. That's what it took.
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well that sucks. But long distance usually doens't work out when you are so young. I've known too well... my own brother and my first boyfriend (dating a different girl of course) couldn't make it work.