I want to ask my boyfriend to move in, but am afraid it will screw up what we have

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Hi everyone. I'm new on this site and am seeking some advice. I've been through my friends, but I would like an outside opinion.I've been seeing this great guy for about 4 months now. Since we've been seeing each other, he has spent practically every night with me. We have a terrific sex life and we enjoy each other's company. No fights worth mentioning. He's really funny, because it seems as though he's been moving in, yet hasn't really discussed it with me. Within the first couple of months he brought over his own towel, shave kit, toothbrush, clothes etc. Recently his alarm clock. The problem I have is that I'm not sure whether or not this a convenience thing for him, or if he really does want to move in. I'm afraid that if we do make it "official", money will start to mix into the relationship, and as we all know, money can ruin everything. He has told me he loves me, and I truly believe he does. We are in or late 30's, early 40's so we both have kids and a lot of baggage. Unfortunately, we all carry our past into new relationships. I've had horrible experiences in relationships when money starts to mix.What do you think?

Well it sounds like he already has moved in LOL You both have to talk about this, honestly and openly, let him know your scared of the money thing messing things up again, and maybe you can both come to some arrangement with finances etc. Moving in together is always see as a big step, but its the living with eachother i feel personally thats the hard bit, if you can live with eachother happily every other little thing can be sorted as long as things are brought out into the open and discussed together. Speak to him and find out how he feels, he might be thinking the same thing, you never know. Good luck

It is kinda funny how he's already moved in. It was gradual. And every time he brought something else over, he was say, "Look what I brought over" with the cutest smile on his face. I am such a sap. I guess my other concern is that I'm being taken advantage of. He doesn't seem like the kind of guy that would do that, but you really never know until it happens to you. What's your story? I see you give a lot of advice. Is that what you like about this forum, or do you have issues from time to time that you like to discuss with people as well?

You're right, you don't know how people REALLY are, but you do have to, at some point put your trust in them..........you have to hope hes a good guy and not taking advantage and roll with it.My story................how long have you got LOL I do give out a lot of advice, whether useful or not LOL cos i have been through a hell of a lot in my life, and have been told i have a good head on my shoulders, well actually i was told by a couple of people im a wise old hag, but i prefer the first one grin I don't really have issues..............or do i? Hmmmm, no not really, it seems i am crisis free, for the moment at least, tho i have never really gone a year without one. I found this forum when i needed a bit of escape just after christmas when my blind daughter, punctured her eye, and we thought we would lose it.............i needed some thing to take my mind of her.....................i came, i met some great people, I waffled on a lot, i stayed, end of story..............oh and welcome aboard

I agree a lot on what Angel said. Just recently my BF of 6 months moved in. SO far everythig has been really good. Yes money can sometimes cause problems but we talked about it and we decided I'd pay the mortgage, DSL, phone and cable and he's pay the electric, gas and water bill. He saves me couple hundred dollars a month, that satisfies me. Just have a good heart to heart talk with your BF.Good luck! And welcome to the boards!

mortgage, DSL, phone and cable and he's pay the electric, gas and water billIn ten years he'll be paying a lot more than you, if you have a fixed rate mortgage.

I read some of your work up on asking him to move in. Good Job. I'm glad to see all is working out.As for my issues, it's the baggage I carried into this relationship. My ex was such a jerk. I did everything to make him happy. One day we were arguing over money. I referred to his contribution to the household as "rent". More of a figure of speech than anything. He got all p'ed off and accused me of calling him nothing more than a tenant. That night I got home from golf, and he was gone with all his stuff. No note, nothing. What a coward. Anyway I went through quite some time dealing with the "abandonment" issue. That was difficult. When I hooked up with the guy I'm with now, I was blown away. For the first time in my life (and I'm not a spring chicken), I was treated like gold. It seems so unreal. I don't know how to take it. I am so used to chasing a man to keep them, and why? Who knows. I'm a fairly attractive woman for my age. Why shouldn't I be treated well?

no-one, male or female should put up with anything less than feeling that they mean the world to whoever they are with........enjoy feeling like you do, don't question why he treats you like this, he must think the world of you, and rightly so, no one deserves the way your ex treated you.

You seem like a really nice, well rounded person. I'm so sorry to hear about your daughter. When your children are ill, etc. it's so hard to deal with. My youngest son was just diagnosed with schizophrenia. He is in a residential treatment center right now. My fear is that he will never be able to function in normal society again, and at worst never come home. This has been ongoing for the last two years. He is such a sweet little boy too. Most people wouldn't even recognize his problem. He's 11.

Funny that you say that. I am 41 yrs old, and it never dawned on me that being treated like this isn't always a game. A friend of mine just recently said that she would not accept anything less than a man who would put her number one always. At first, I thought her comment was a bit selfish, then I realized that she has every right to feel that way. If you treat a man well, there is no doubt that you should be treated just as good in return. I've got to get used to that. I've always seemed to do the majority of the work.

SteveA~ Well we have talked that in 5 years we both hope to be finished with our second degree's and be in a bigger home as well. By than his job will be paying him more and we'll be able to balance out the finances. But right now I make lot more than him so I don't mind taking most of the financial weight.

CandyGirl~ You hit it on the head. You should get the equal threatment that you put in. If you treat him like gold, you should get it back. Sounds like he really has true affection for you, and that's terrific considering how your ex treated you. Soak it up hun, enjoy it! You deserve it =-D

So, because of my history with the ex, I am afraid to ask anything financial of my BF. Yet, no one lives for free, and I could use the additional help. I don't want to rely on a man to help me financially and I especially don't want him to think that I want him to move in because I need the help. This is somewhat of a catch 22. How do I broach this subject without looking like I'm after his money?

Just be open with him. Tell him how much you love having him around and want to know what he thinks about making the big step of moving in together completely and share each others lives. While talking to him just let him know that expenses are going to go up when he moves in and you'll need some assistance. Mostly likely he'll probably offer to help with expenses anyways. I know it's an uneasy topic to talk about, I was alittle shy about it when talking to my BF but he actually said he wanted to help financial and was expecting it.

He's an honorable and proud man. I guess I shouldn't worry that much, I just feel like I'll get a big slap in the face. My ex made me feel so guilty on the money issue. I really want my BF there because I want him there. Not his money.

awww hon im sorry to hear about your son, but he sounds like he has a great mum, and that must stand for something hugs my daughter, i know, WILL function in society, i won't let her do anything else im too bloody stubborn - she is a very very bright child, she just can't see, but she is in mainstream schooling and doing as well if not better in some areas than her class mates. I hope things turn out as you hope with your son, he is still little yet, i have an 11 year old too, and sometimes he seems so grown up , and other times hes my baby again sigh isn't motherhood bloody hard work!!!! LOLI really think you need to talk with him about your worry over finances, if you cant' both talk over something like this, then it doesn't bode well for future problems to be honest. You will probably find that once its out in the open, its not an issue.

Well, my roomate pointed out that he should already be offering something at this point in our relationship. He's been at my house every night for nearly 4 months. I wonder if he has issues from past relationships that's holding him back. I know emotionally, he's on the same page as me. It could possibly be that he was taken advantage of before and may be thinking that is what I'm trying to do. We are just getting to know each other. As we get older and have been burned several times, we are less likely to trust as easily.I plan on addressing this subject with him tonight, gracefully. Again, I want him to know possitively that I want him there for him, but we will need to figure out how to share our living expenses. I just don't know how to bring it up without sounding like I want his money. Got any ideas?

what you said sounded pretty good to me hon. You just have to be totally honest about how you feel, and work it out between you both. He sounds like a nice guy, and i guess he may feel that pushing to pay for stuff like bills etc was pushing his way in, and wasn't sure if you would freak out or not. Honesty is the key to all relationships, it'll be fine, good luck

Good luck hun! As Angel said Honesty is always the key. I love the fact my BF now is very honest with me (Even if its something I might not want to hear). It has made out relationship sooo much stronger.

He sounds like a great guy and you sound like a terrific women, you deserve each other. Think positive and my good thoughts are with you.

Take care!

Hey, just a note. Well, the ex just stopped by my place of work. He works for a currier service and I had a package for pickup. Anyway, he apologized for being such a jerk to me. He's seeing someone now so I guess he's finally moved on. Good for him.I did send my BF a text message today and asked him if he would make it official and move in with me. I also told him that no matter if he says yes, no or maybe, I still want to talk to him tonight about it. I find it easier sometimes, to open up a subject by typing rather than talking. The first time I told him I loved him was via text messaging. After I opened that door, I was able to express my feelings very easily to him. It helped that he had a positive response. Now that the next door is open, I won't have a problem talking to him. He's a very good listener and he always addresses issues real clear with me. He never leaves anything to guess work, if you ask him a direct question. That's the key with him. You have to ask. He has no problem discussing anything, but he usually isn't the one to bring it up. I have to.

most men don't see things that need discussing - no offense to the men folk - ever read men are from mars women are from venus............its corny, but i spent thenight flicking through it and reading bits out to my other half and its amzing how true it all is LOL