No one has to read this. I dont really know why I am posting it. Maybe its a cry for help in disguise, I really dont know. I'm sitting and thinking about how discontented I am with my life. There is so much I wish I have done and wish I have said.I wish I had been able to tell Amy how I feel. I wish I could tell her that I love her. How can it really be love though? Do I really know what love is? Is it just that feeling of being safe with someone, being able to trust them completely, being able to look into their eyes and see worry for you. I'd say that's love. Unrequited love, because I know she doesn't feel the same way. And who would? The answer, in my mind, is no one. I honestly believe there is no one there for me to love. Love in the romantic sense. How can a male talk about romance? It is unreal. Modern society doesn't allow men to be romantics. Opening doors, pulling out chairs, paying for things without being pestered to do so. Being a gentleman. Treating one person as though they were you're one and only. As they should be. The sudden feeling hits me now that makes me feel like I want to cry. But I cant, because society doesn't allow that either. Men aren't allowed to cry, or show emotion, because it's a sign of weakness. Women don't like weak men, ergo; there is no one who will ever love me as I could them.I know I want to go back to my bed and put some more slashes into my arms. They are my way of dealing with the fact I'll be alone my whole life. It doesn't look good. If asked to describe myself, I'd be ugly, overweight (I had originally written fat, but its not so accurate) and alone. Not necessarily alone in a friend sense. I have plenty of friends.But do I really have friends, or do they just put up with me? I have my family, but I cant talk to them. My sister is annoying, my mother is patronising, my grandma is set in her ways, and as for Uncle Brad (step-grandfather.don't ask.), well I don't know why I cant talk to him. There are three people I can talk to. They make up three quarters of the people I really trust, the fourth I suppose is myself. They aren't in any real order here. I have to put that in in case any of them reads this and feels I don't value one as much as the other. The truth is, they all help. Jen was one of the first people to find out about my depression and my self harm and my general self-hatred. Shes offered me so much advice over the last, 4 years, I'll never be able to repay her. Its strange, one of my closest friends is someone I've never met, someone I could never really describe, and someone whos accent I have never heard. I met Jen over the internet.Stacy has helped me a lot. Shes always been there for me. Sometimes I wonder if I'm doing her a wrong by moaning to her about my problems. Theres the feeling of wanting to cry again. Shes done a lot for me, but she doesn’t know what to say to me. I don't think she understands why I self harm. I understand it. Kind of. Shes just there for me. One of the people I can tell my stuff to and she'll listen, even if she doesn't have anything to say. She hugs me a lot too. That's nice, that makes me feel good. Not in a sexual sense of course. The last person I'm to mention is Amy, yes the same Amy I mentioned earlier. I just deleted a massive portion of text I had written about her. I think partly because once this is done I want to show her it. Maybe it'll help her understand whats wrong with me, without my making her feel bad. Especially if I make what people will consider to be the wrong decision at the end. She tries to make me feel better. I want to cry again. I can see the look of concern in her eyes. I realise she does care about me. I told her what I see as being wrong with me. I want a relationship with someone more than I have ever wanted anything. I want to love someone. I have the slashes on my arms the show how badly I want a relationship. It's the wrong way entirely to go about trying to get a relationship. Negative people don't attract. But nor do ugly, overweight ones either. So I get the worst of both worlds, lucky me. When I got drunk last night, I kept telling the guys I was with that no one cares about me. If I died, given six months, no one would remember my name. Life would go on for everyone. Who would miss the stupid fat guy who acted like a twat on a regular basis? No one. They'd be glad to be rid of me. 'Stupid fat fuck he was,' I can imagine more than one person saying. I'm actually afraid I'm going to do 'the wrong thing'. I'll be dead and people will call me a coward. Suicide is one of the least cowardly things to do. It takes a lot of guts to take your own life. Yeah, its an easy way to escape your problems. But do the people who call you a coward never consider how bad those problems could be?I admit, I have people I can talk to, but that doesn't stop me wanting to die. It doesn't stop me wanting to end it all. Why don't I then? Maybe it's the hope that tomorrow might be better. But I've been saying that for some time. A really great girl isn't just going to pop up from nowhere and tell me she likes me. Its just not going to happen.I'm a manic-depressive. According to Word, I cant even type that properly. Its fixed it now though. I missed out the hyphen. Anyway, manic-depressive means I can be happy as Larry one minute, and low as a very low thing the next. It's a horrible, vicious circle.Apparently, even the smallest actions affects what happens in life, like, for example, standing or not standing on a butterfly. If you don't stand on it, who knows what it might go on to do. It could offer us a cure for cancer. Maybe it could cause a fatal car crash. But if you stood on that butterfly, none of those things could happen.So everything that happens affects something. There is a guy at school called Nick. Hes not the most intelligent of people, but he gets picked on something awful. I feel so sorry for him. People make his life miserable and he never complains, he just soldiers on. I'm not getting around to making my point.How many peoples lives have I made miserable? How many times have I stood on someones butterfly? How many people would have rather not had the disappointment of me in their lives? I'm a let down. A failure to myself, my family, and my friends who in all honesty would be better off without me. I doubt that a single one would miss me much at all. Amy's friend Kerry, I'm sure would be much happier not knowing me. The point is that I don't want to be here, I don’t want to get in anyone else's way. I'm more troublesome than I feel worth, which at the best of times is little or nothing at all. I've run out of things to say now. I'm sure to think of more though. I'll save this and add more when I can think of it.
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Big Post.
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Nice post Brad - you've said a lot of things that apply to me too.
I've attempted an o/d last year, and the only thing stopping me doin it again at the moment is fear of failing again. I wish there was an easy way out but there isn't.
Good luck Brad. I hope you find someway to be happy.
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hey brad,i share your pain,i think it's called life .i dont hate myself though,just know i'm having a hard time.my life is shit,his life is shit,our lives are shit.thats my philosophy.we all share the burden.but bearing that in mind you gotta cut(no pun intended!!) yourself some slack.living your life as though being buffeted around by a storm at sea.but the storm will end and you will sail on.that sounds kinda fun doesnt it?c'mon brad,you have the power to change your life.i know you do,we all do.even though it feels out of reach and out of sight!i'm in your position too,but i i know it's beatable.you are the master of own destiny.you hold the compass that gives you direction.it's about setting out to achieve,and failing,failing,failing, untill...you finally succeed,and can move on to new conquests.life is like anything else in it's parameters. you have to practise until you get good at it,and you will get good at it!let us know what's going on from time to time k.and remember to take it easy on yourself,adios.
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Why did you become this way?
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It started because of a girl....and it just kinda spiralled out of control after that....
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Mine also developed over a "women" but now it's gone.. it wasn't severe depression..strange she was bipolar and I became depressed for a bit. My only advice to you is to try and improve your self esteem.. go workout or something..that's what I do.
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lol why bother? Life just seems pointless....whats my purpose of being here?I can see it in the eyes of the people around me that they dont appreciate my presence....I'd be doing them a favor surely...
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You wouldn't be doing me and many other people on here a favor. If people don't like you fuck em', trust me I know.