I need help.

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I feel so shitty about so many different things. The more I type, the worse I feel. I went to the doctors about 2 months ago, and I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder. I feel like such an idiot for having it. I hate putting my girlfriend through my depressed stages, and there isn't anything I can do to help it. I was given medication, but the pills make me feel super shitty, they make me either really really depressed to the point where I just want to give up on everything, or they make me super happy and I don't care about anything. It basically intensifies the way I normally feel. Sometimes, I think that I don't have a hope in the world because I know I'm never going to get rid of my disorder. I have a job, I have good grades in school, I have a girlfriend that loves me very much, but I just feel so shitty about it all. I hate myself for so many different things, it's rediculous, I can't even remember why I hate myself for some reasons. Sometimes, I think about hating myself, and I come up with a bunch of reasons that don't make any sense. Like right now, I bet nothing I'm typing is making any sense. I just want to fucking give up. I've tried cutting for the past few months, it feels really good, and it makes me feel a little better. Most of the time, I'm too depressed to move on. I just feel like dying. I think that I don't serve a purpose on earth much longer, since God is making me feel so misirible. I guess God has a reason for everything, and making me want to commit suicide is just his plan. Maybe I've served my purpose on earth and he's just done with me. Either way, I still feel shitty about everything that's going on. I hate having this disorder, when I'm happy, it only lasts for about 3 hours, then I feel like I'm the shittiest person on the planet. It's never going to stop, so what's the point of feeling like shit all the time? Someone tell me that.

Man, there is so much I want to say to you...where to start...First, welcome aboard. I'm glad you posted. I'm hoping that you're doing so will somehow make a difference for you. I think that's what you're hoping too, no?Okay, several things...It is absurd for you to feel like an idiot for having a bipolar disorder. It's not like it's your fault. That's like feeling like an idiot for having a cold. It's not something you brought upon yourself. It's a biological condition that happens in your neurotransmitters and all that blah blah stuff. So you can cease and desist with blaming yourself and feeling bad about it. Deal?The best cure for a biological/neurological condition is a combination of medicine and therapy. YOU NEED TO TAKE THOSE DAMNED PILLS!!! I know it's not fun at first. I've been there. But what you're experiencing are side effects. The good news is that you don't have to put up with them forever. The first thing you need to do is communicate to your doctor what the side effects are. There are several options for you as far as medicines. There are severall SSRI's that he could switch you to. If none of those work without excessive side effects, he could choose a different class of anti-depressants altogether. You just need to know there are options. You can't just give up because the first one didn't work out. Besides, not taking meds...that hasn't really been working out for you, has it? You should also keep in mind that anti-depressants don't kick in with full effect immediately. You might see some relief of some of the other symptoms of depression within the first few weeks, but it can take six weeks or so to feel total relief from the feelings of depression and hopelessness. And please make sure you don't stop taking meds when you're feeling good. If you have a bipolar disorder, you know that feeling good doesn't mean you're cured. It's just part of a cycle, and if you stop taking the meds, the depression will be back.About that not serving a purpose...you're wrong about that. I don't even know you, but I can tell you with 100% certainty that you are wrong. You have a purpose and the road to realizing that is sometimes pretty damned bumpy. You're hitting some bumps right now. And I can also tell you that God most certainly doesn't want you to kill yourself. He doesn't want you to be depressed. He wants you to TAKE THE DAMNED PILLS!!!!! (sorry... )I've been there, Atrium. Mine wasn't a bipolar disorder but was a major depressive episode. But the feelings and the fears and the hopelessness are the same. I couldn't see a reason for living. Life sucked, always had sucked, and there was no reason to think it would ever stop sucking. But guess what? A year later it's the total opposite for me. I'm experiencing hope like I've never known it. Things are going well. Very well. And they wouldn't have if I had allowed myself to stay in the depression.Please do what you know you need to do. You can get better. I promise. Know how?TAKE THE DAMNED PILLS!!!Good luck pal.

How long have you been on the pills, Atrium? What are they?

I took the pills for about 3 weeks, and they just made me feel even worse. The pills were Cymbalta. Thank you for your encouragement, but I think if I take the pills for 6 weeks to start feeling better, I'm going to feel horrible for 6 weeks. If I do start to try again, I'm gonna do it over the summer, where I don't have to do much anyways. Today I'm feeling a little better, because I got a new job and it's pretty nice. People are really nice to me there, I think that it's a large improvement from my last job. I'm making more money, and I'm treated like I'm part of a family. Right now is a good time to describe/overview out how I feel when I'm on my depressive lows, because I'm kind of in a neutral. I can think straight, and I feel ok. I don't really know how I got bipolar disorder, but what I've read is that it's hereditary, which struck my interest. I think my mom is bipolar also, because she often lashes out on me or tries to hurt me when she feels upset, but other times she'll have random acts of kindness. Other then that, the only reason I can think of is that my dad used to smoke alot of weed around my mom when she was pregnant with me. Anyways, I guess the point isn't how I got it, it's how I'm going to deal with it. Are you sure that I'm going to feel better for the rest of my life if I take the pills for 6 weeks? Will my disorder be cured? Will I never be depressed again? Thanks for your help.

Generally antidepressants take 4-6 weeks to start doing good. Often when it's the first time the doctor will try them for some months, and then see if you are all right without them. Particular antidepressants don't work for everyone, so sometimes you have to try a couple before you find what works best for you.There's a lot that isn't known about depression and bipolar. Yes, bipolar is usually hereditary. It may get better with time, but often it does need life-long treatment.

I didn't know that it was 4-6 weeks... 3 weeks felt like 3 years... I'm afraid to go back to the doctors because I don't want to feel stupid and ask him for a medication change... I haven't even told my mom that I'm bipolar. I managed to go to the doctors without her knowing. I'm starting to loose the "O.K." feeling. I'm starting to feel a little worse now. I can tell because my thoughts are making less and less sense. I just want this shit to end...

In reply to: but I think if I take the pills for 6 weeks to start feeling better, I'm going to feel horrible for 6 weeks. But you're feeling horrible any way, aren't you?You're right about the genetics. Studies were done on twins and adoptive siblings that showed bi-polar disorder was 50-60% attributed to genetics.I think you misunderstood me. I didn't mean to say that you would take the meds for 6 weeks and then feel better for the rest of your life. I meant to say that you would need to take the meds for approx 6 weeks for them to start taking full effect. And don't worry about going back to your doc for med checks. He expects that. His job is to help you become healthy and that involves tweaking the meds to your needs. Instead of waiting for the start of summer to take meds, if you start now, by the time summer gets here you could possibly be in some seriously good shape to enjoy it.Sounds like the new job is serving you well. One of the best things you can do for any kind of depression is to get out, do stuff, be with other people. Those folks can be helpful for you.

I see... I'm kind of disapointed in myself for trying to belive that there was some kind of hope that I'd actually get rid of my disorder. It was kind of stupid of me to ask that question. The reason why I don't want to take it now is because when I take it I feel alot more suicidal, and with the pressure of school, I'd feel even more suicidal. I think that the medication throws me off balance alot, causing me to be really disoriented all the time. The doctor tried to explain the chemical imbalance thing to me, it made a little sense I guess, but it doesn't really convince me to wait through a 6 week period of feeling like shit and feeling numb. I called the doctor today to make an appointment to get new medication because this one I'm taking is messing me up. I go in tomorrow, hopefully I can take new medication that wont make me want to kill myself. I will post an update about it tomorrow. Thank you for your support.

Hang in there buddy. And don't be disappointed. There is actually a great deal of hope that you'll get better. Otherwise, I wouldn't be wasting my time here.I'm anxious to hear what your doc tells you tomorrow. Hopefully he'll switch your meds to something that works for you with less severe side effects. Just remember, thought, that they all have some side effects that you have to deal with for a bit. But wanting to kill yourself shouldn't be one of them.

Ok, I went to the doctors today, and he prescribed me a new medication. He made me take some test that proved that I'm not only suffering from Bipolar disorder, but I've also got a severe anxiety disorder. I worry too much about things, I can't stop thinking about the worst things that could happen but most likely never will. I really hope this new medication works, he told me to take it as soon as I get home and to take one every 24 hours. I took one and I don't feel any different. I'm really scared of what may or may not happen, I don't want the same thing to happen like what happened last time. Aside from the doctors visit, today was a ok day. I didn't freak out as much, and I felt like I was more at peace of mind. Some days I feel alot better about myself, and other days I hate myself so much that I can't belive it. It's weird going back and reading my first post because it looks like someone else wrote it. Today was strange because I had a pretty bad day, but I was ok with it. Everything that happened didn't really matter to me, and I sorted it out pretty quickly.I think today was a pretty good day because when things were going wrong, my girlfriend really helped me through it. Her time and patience really made me feel special, and like nothing else mattered. I told her about the medication and she says that it's a good idea, but if I start feeling like how I did before, she wants me to try a herbal remedy. She said that when she saw me as depressed as I was, it was hurting her too. I think that's why I'm so scared to take the new medication. I don't want to hurt her because I love her more than anything. I guess I've got things together today which makes me feel pretty good. I'm gonna give you an update on how I'm doing tomorrow. Thanks for your support.

Like I said before, you shouldn't expect the meds to make you feel better right away. Too many people stop taking them because they don't feel the way they want to the first few days. Hang in there. It'll be here before you know it.I'm betting that the reason you've felt at least okay today is because you did something proactive. I've found that any step I can take in a positive direction, however tiny, creates a bit of hope that wasn't there before.Good for you.

After taking the medication once yesterday, I don't feel very different, but I'm going to keep taking them like you said. I haven't felt any side effects or any primary effects yet, but I'm praying to God that things will get better. Today wasn't exactly the "best" day.

So I've been taking this medication for the past few days... And I'm not really feeling a difference... The only thing is that I feel different is that I think more towards the negative side more often. My anxiety is still there, my depression, my worries. It's all still there. I'm starting to loose hope in what my doctor is telling me and giving me. I'm really scared that there could be no medication that will make me feel better... I just have a feeling it's only going to get worse. I don't feel like "hanging in there" anymore. I just want to lay in bed and sleep all day.

Remember, they take weeks to work. Try to carry on and give them time.

Maybe you should make little signs and put them all over the place that say "don't give up...it'll take a few weeks".I thought we made that pretty clear for you. You won't see your depression and anxiety symptoms start going away for several weeks. That's why a lot of people give up and stop taking them. But you're not gonna do that, right?Dude, I remember this time last year taking Lexapro and feeling like it was gonna take forever for them to start making me feel better. But it didn't. They did their job. I promise you, friend, there will come a time when you'll shine again. Just hang in there.

Are you seeing a counselor/therapist? That would really help you get through the hump.

I don't have alot of money to go see a councelor or anything like that right now as much as I'd like to. I'm still taking the medication like you guys suggested. I don't feel much better, at times I feel way more anxious then I normally do. Sometimes little things will bother me more than normal, or I snap at people, and I feel a little more agressive. Other times, I feel like I could kill myself effortlessly. I sort of get into this weird blunt mood that I've never experienced before. I can be straight up with people without sugar coating things like I normally do because I'm too afraid to hurt their feelings. It's kind of nice that I don't have to put up with bullshit. Some mornings are harder than others because I have a hard time getting out of bed because I'm too depressed. I'm still doing as suggested though. I don't want to let you guys down, and I want to start feeling better. Thank you guys for your time and help.

Please don't be in this thing to keep from letting any of us down. I think it's the job of people on this board to not let YOU down. We're here to support you. You should be doing it for yourself.Keep at it. It's only been a week or so. Maybe you should read through this thread once a day or so to kind of remind yourself that it's a process, not an overnight fix.

Today I lost control and hurt myself. I cut myself on the arm kind of bad. I feel really shitty, the medicine isn't working, I feel like everyone is just leaving my life, abandoning me, flaking out on me, and giving up. I feel like giving up on everying, my job, my relationship, my schoolwork, my friends, my family. I coulden't get out of bed this morning, so I layed in bed till' 3 o'clock. I coulden't eat anything because I don't deserve it. I didn't leave the house at all today. I feel like killing myself now more than ever. I don't care what's making me feel like this, I just want it all to end, I just want to die. I can't really say that I have much to look forward to now, because things are losing thier meaning very fast. Life is starting to loose it's color, and I feel realyl empty and lonely on the inside. I'm sorry, but I think I have to give up on the medication and on myself. Thank you all for trying, it means alot to me.

Dude don't do this!!!!!!!!you do deserve to eat.i'm sure people aren't flaking out on you.btw,did u tell your mom yet?She could seriously help you thru this shit!!!!!!!don't give up on the meds yet!THEY TAKE WEEKS TO TAKE FULL EFFECT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!just hang on to anything good you have going for you right now.like your gf.she sounds great and really cares about you and vise versa.tell her how you fell in the morning.don't worrie about dumping on her.i'm sure she'd want you to tell her so she could help.take her advice and maybe try a herbal thing.if you thnk the meds aren't going to help,tell your doc and switch again.whatever happens,TAKE SOME FUCKING MEDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!hope everything works out for the best!(and cutting can only make everything worse!!!!!!!!!)