Hello everybody on the A2A forums. I just registered and I guess I will be posting my story. I'm not really sure if I should be posting this in the Teen Health forum, but whatever. My name is Steve and I am 15 years old. I really don't even know where to start right now. There is so much stuff bottled up inside of me right now that I have never told anybody and I seriously just cannot do this anymore. I feel like my life if just a constant downward spiral, into a dark abyss. I'm sick of faking apathy just for attention from others. I don't know if I want to commit suicide, but it just seems much easier than this life.I don't know where to start, but I guess I should probably just talk about some of the things that have probably led me to this. Ninth grade, freshman year.. the transition to the year was pretty brutal. I lost a huge portion of my friends, mainly (girl) friends. I don't know why, they simply just do not talk to me anymore. They've got all their new friends and there's nothing I can possibly do about that. I have had 3 girlfriends within the past years, and they have all broken up with me. Just want to stay friends. Something I cannot stand to hear anymore. One of my girlfriends I was with for about a year which was the longest and most heartbreaking experiences. I wish they would actually say something to me face-to-face if they really wanted to break up with me. But no, pretty much all written down and somebody else had given the note to me. Which usually ended up with me, sitting in the school bathroom crying my eyes out. By my last breakup, I just didn't really care anymore. And I don't think I will be finding another girl my entire highschool experience. It just seems like no girls ever make eye contact with me, any stuff like that. I know all of them weren't right for me anyways and I guess I hope I find the right girl for me someday.I have no idea why, but my latest addiction has been pornography. I cannot stop looking at pornography.. when I get home from school, before I go to sleep. It started around when I was very young. Which is not healthy at all. My brother left a site up once, I clicked it and I am still loving the sensation even today. I remember looking at pornography even back in elementary school. Most likely after I am done typing this, that is what i'm going to be doing. I don't really have many other addictions, unless being on the computer counts. Which can also explain why i'm not seeing the outside world, being out there anymore. I don't know why I have to be so fcked up in the head although I am so young.As I walk around in school I am ALWAYS self-conscious about my weight, my height.. comparing myself to others and wishing I could be them. And how lucky they are to be so perfect. I can tell that my grades are dropping and I honestly don't really care about school anymore. My parents are already talking about college, but I don't want that. I've never talked back to my parents, and I really just let them step over me. I currently have a brother in college that my parents gladly sent him off to. The perfect student.. the perfect son. He is my only sibling and I guess it looks like one of us has to play the fcked up son so I guess that must be me. He's had a girlfriend at long distance for a while now and they text and call each other constantly. I miss that feeling of knowing you're wanted. That you're loved. I don't want to be working under somebody else and being their btch. I really just don't know what I am going to do with my life anymore.But college is not really all my problems. Lately, I really just don't know what is going on with me in the outside world. If I see somebody I know out of school, I will always try to hide and avoid them. I don't really communicate with practically anybody in my school besides my friends. Which at this point, I have a pretty limited amount of. I have about 2 or 3 good friends. I can't be honest to myself or anybody else anymore. I can't take this abuse, in school or out. I'll always just smile and pretend like i'm alright, but i'm just dying inside. I don't know why the fck my life has to be so complicated and I hate to whine but I really need to get sh*t like this off my chest. I have never considered a therapist, or antidepressants.I'm just pretty depressed right now.. or maybe I just have a lack of sleep. Seeing all of the people I know moving on, finding the love of their lives. I seriously don't even think I want to do this anymore, live this life. I just want to end it all, and if I gotta kill myself to do it then hell.. I will do it. Please, I need help. I've already smeared enough tears of this keyboard while I typed this.
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Just another teen story.
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Welcome to A2A, echostrider. It's very hard to have an older sibling who is one of those "perfect" people (at least apparently perfect. I bet he doesn't feel perfect). What's important is to try not to compare yourself with other people. We all do it, and it causes a lot of misery. We want to be richer, better-looking, of higher status than the people around us. If the people around us were poor and ugly and of low status we'd feel much happier.Try to get out of that as much as you can. Don't compare yourself with your brother - he is not you and you don't want to be him, you want to be yourself.
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I agree completely!
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Okay, that doesn't really help a whole lot.. but thanks..
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Oh yeah, sorry I didn't make my topic something like "OMG I WANT TO DIE HELP MEEEEEE" because apparently that's the only way they get attention anyway.
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Hey echostrider, you have attention. Perhaps no-one yet has any good enough ideas, but that doesn't mean they aren't trying to think of them.
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Nah it's okay, i've got a meeting with my switchblade tonight. I won't be here by tomorrow.