Let me start off by saying I am 15, male and in grade 9. My main problem (as you can see from the title :stuck_out_tongue_winking_eye:) is that I can't really talk to people I don't know in general. By this I don't mean I'm just really nervous, but I honestly can't sustain a conversation with someone for more than 5 seconds because I start to get EXTREMELY shy and EXTREMELY nervous. I mostly give monosyllablic answers like "yes" or "no" (that come out in weird ways I might add) when asked a question even though I know the other person is trying to spark up a conversation or just a friendly chat.
The whole situation is also made worse due to the fact that I am in school. Because I can't really talk to people and get nervous around everyone, I have no friends :frowning:. As you can imagine, this can be an absolutely horrible thing to experience. I actually go to the school library everyday during my lunch break and kind of just sit there because I don't want to be seen sitting in the cafeteria eating alone and looking like a "loser". This year was my first year at this school and I have made no friends have probably achieved the title of "That guy who never talks" (I say "probably" because I really don't know. You aren't going to find out much about what people say if you're in the fucking library every day.)
The strange part of all this was that I wasn't always like this. I can remember, from grades kindergarten through 3, I was a VERY social person and had a lot of friends. Hell, I think I was probably the most popular guy in the 3rd grade lol. After grade 3, I went to a different school that my parents put me in (a gifted school). There I was the same as before and quickly made friends. I left there after grade 7 to come back for grade 8 and 9 to my original school for highshchool. (why?...let's just say its complicated.) I met most of the same people I had known a few years before, but this time...it was different. I was very shy and extremely nervous around people (I would also like to add here that I am still unable to pinpoint the exact moment or time that this "shyness" took over). I was unable to speak comfortably with anyone or make friends. One thing that REALLY got me down about this was this girl I knew when I was in primary school. We used to be really good friends, go around together, play tag and all that stuff...Now, I am COMPLETELY unable to talk to her when she says Hi to me. This probably also has something to do with the huge crush I have on her as well. She's absolutely amazing in every way :laughing:. Anyway, like I said, I was unable to make friends with people and as a result I found myself simply by myself, going to the washroom or library to just kind of hide. This is actually the most horrible part of how I'm carrying on and is in fact, kind of ironic in it's own right. I used to absolutely HATE people like me. You know - that guy who doesn't talk to anyone and goes to the washroom and comes out an hour later. like wtf?. That's what it was like last year anyway.
This year, in grade 9 it's mostly the same. I find myself going to the library everyday by myself and have no friends whatsoever around me. At this point, my situation is beginning to worry me VERY GREATLY. I don't know what will become of me throughout high school and university and hell, why don't I just throw in real life in there why'll we're at it? I DON'T want to become someone who just sits inside all day with no friends doing nothing! I KNOW I'M NOT THAT KIND OF PERSON INSIDE. I think somewhere, deep within me is my true personality wanting to come out but for some reason it can't. I know I can be a lot cooler friendlier, and better (and maybe even able to talk to Denise again!.."Denise" isn't that just a beatiful name? lol. I can't stop saying it to myself =/) if I can find a way to get over this "anxiety" or whatever it is.
Anyway, that's my fucked up life lol. Don't really know what I want any of you to do about it. I guess I just had to get this off my chest. Any suggestions are appreciated btw. And I also thank you for your patience with me if you've managed to truck this far through my "blog" post lol.