okay so yesterday i went back to school after we all had a week off for vacation. Now, my 'friends' dont like me anymore, so theyre not friends basically. But i still talk to a few people from this big group thing, so i hung out there at lunch. Theres this kid called Anthony who really hates me and this philipino guy called Woli who really hates me. Well, Woli and my former best friend ( youll know why former in a sec ) where rounding people up for a huge group photo. I got pushed right to the side and then Anthony yells 'i vote max takes the picture!' as a joke, and everyone laughed. But he kept doing it. Even after the photo was taken, til it was apparent that it wasnt a joke anymore. I came up to him and said 'look man, its not funny anymore, so stop it' and he laughed in my face! Then woli said 'i vote max fucks off!' and Woli had made me agree that i wouldnt talk to him as long as he didnt talk to me. We used to be friends but i pushed into him as a joke once and he blew it out of proportion. Also i used to wear perscription sunglasses to school ( i was weird ) and he says he hated me then and hates me now because im a weirdo. So he thinks we wont talk to eachother, but if he wants to take a shot at me once in a while its okay! And i told him to shut up, but hes smart; whenever you argue with him he makes it into a confrontation. He basically told me or what, what are you gonna do? And i mean hes very strong, maybe i could take him but i didnt wanna risk it. I spent a really hellish 30 minutes hanging around there talking to no-one because i didnt want to give him the satisfaction of leaving. My 'best friend' never does anything about it. He's woli's 'other best friend' and he likes woli far more than me. He didnt used to, he used to say i was his only best friend, and i mean i decided i didnt want to be best friends with him anymore. I no longer go out with those guys on weekends, meaning i have very little of a social life. A lot of them hate me because im 'annoying' but i mean, my father DIED, of lung cancer, like 6 or 7 months ago! That is not a very fucking long time! They arent supportive and they treat me like crap. I have nowhere to go at lunch or morning break now, except this place where a couple of old friends play soccer, but i hate soccer. I can always go to classes at lunch and catch up on work, which is a good idea, but it sucks that i have to because sometimes the classrooms are closed and i cant use that as a permanent alternative. Plus, this popular girl i really like, shes my close friend, but would she wanna be my friend if she realized i have virtually no friends? ( counting in my head now i have like, 10 friends outside of the group, including her, but they all hang out in different places ) and plus shes friends with people in the group who could badmouth me to her. I cant believe this. I lost my dad, i lost my friends, friends that i was super close with and had a lot of fun with, and its not like i have a real future so i perform so badly at school. The people who treat me badly will have better lives than me. This isnt fair. I feel so incredibly depressed, i cant tell my mom because it hurts to talk about it. I want to cut myself, ive only scratched my wrist and the back of my hand until a bunch of skin came off and theres huge bloody scabs now. But if i hurt myself it would be selfish because my mom has had to put up with enough. It feels like ive ruined my own life, you know? Im so annoying that everyone i meet eventually decides to hate me. I have no reason to live anymore. please help me-ak
Horrible horrible depression
You have LOTS to live for hon..............it might just not seem like it at this time, but honestly hon, give yourself a chance to live and enjoy life.I remember school days, the bitchyness, the bullying, the put downs, the bullshit - cos thats what it is, kids stuff, and sooner or later hon, school will be over, and the people who pretend to be your friend one minute, then not the next will be gone, and people will be with you cos they are grown up too and realise that your great, for who you are, not just cos who you are, who you hang around with etc etc.It might hurt a lot to talk to your mom about this, but being a mom myself i would rather my kids come to me, break down and cry their hearts out to ME, rather than suffer alone and feel like you do now.The guys at school sound like typical bullies, making other people feel bad for a laugh, well what goes around comes around hon, beleive me. Some people just blow other peoples candles out to make their own shine brighter. You dont' need them, be strong, don't give up, don't give them the satisfaction, you're worth more than that.
Angel summed up pretty much everything I was going to say.
Just remember these school days don't last forever. Even when in school things change so much and so fast. I was a lot like you in school it sounds. I have a very small close nit of friends. There were times when my best friend and I became enemies and like a month later we were best friends again. Other than the friends I had I wasn't very popular, but than for some odd reason my senior year I was very popular and was even Prince of Prom. So trust me it's amazing the turn of events that happen when in school.
Just keep your chin up and don't let other people put a value on how you should feel. Only YOU get to decide that. Be happy, do your studies and trust in yourself. In the end you'll be the winner.
And as Angel said I do think you should talk to your mother about all this. Yes she has been through a lot but going to her about your problems will actually make her feel good because she knows you can trust her. After your fathers passing, you both need to lean on each other for support and comfort. One thing I have learned is that mothers are strong compassionate people and regardless what's going on in their lives they will always be there for there children.
well, i know school wont last forever, but thats what freaks me out. i probably wont have any good qualifications. where am i gonna go? no college will take me..and yknow what else? i used to bully this kid who used to hang out with the group i used to hang out with. this was when i first met them- i hit him a couple of times, told him to get out, etc, to show off and make myself look big. The philipino kid often defended him against me. I changed myself, i apologized to him and he said he forgave me, i am no longer a bully and i feel horrible about it. I now know how he felt, and its really bad ps: thank you for the kind words, Angelwitch and Ntroducingmyself
Hon, don't worry what life has in store for you, no-one ever knows, just trust in yourself that you will make it the best it can be.Having bullied that boy you spoke about, you know how easy it is to do it and that you really didn't hate him, it was just something you did - thats how the other guys are being with you just now, you know they don't hate you, they're just being stupid!Things seem bad at the moment hon, but things will get better, they always do.........and you won't feel like this for ever.
I can't really add to anything that hasn't already been said in this thread about your situation, I guess, all I can do is add my support and also say that I've been there. I think nearly all have at one time or another.
As for the future, for now, let the future take care of itself. Deal with it later when your in a better place and a better frame of mind to deal with it. Take care of your emotional health first. If you can get to a place where your content in yourself you will be in a far better position to make intelligent calculated decisions regarding how and what you want to do with your life.
Please note that I said content not happy. Contentment is what allows happiness. To many people get that confused and wonder why happiness alludes them in their lives.
I impart the following because you mentioned or alluded to the fact that these guys seem to have it easy, have futures and it's not fair. I don't know that this will help you at all but it's what has always gotten me through hard times in my life, so read the following with a grain of salt.
I have gone through all the shit your going through now. I lost my father at young age. I had my step-mother steel my entire college fund. I've had one uncle steel 640 acers another steal my home that I lived in. I have been flat on my face many time wondering praying for just a loaf of bread. I have had friend desert me. I have had to care for a near invalid mother, after only being married a month. I've had to care for a dieing grandmother, while here surviving kids deserted her. And In all of this, the worst part was that time after time, I had all my plans and dreams for the future ripped away and was left with only the feeling that there was no reason to try any longer. The fight in me so much wanted to be extinguished. This is the part, I hope, might be of some help to you. For all the shit that I've had to go through in my life, and having to watch my supposed friends seemly cost through, with what seem to be dream jobs and nice cars and big homes. For all the things that I admittedly envy in others I know this, that I can survive. Where others will fail on a human level I will maintain. Where others will walk away I will stand and bare. Where so many, who have coasted through life, would shrink I will be the rock. I know that life isn't fair, where for others that is a mere mental exercise, I know it and I have persevered anyway and am stronger for it.
What does any of this have to do with you. You have already been through so much and you are still hear. Where some would give up you, even though you may want to give up yourself, you have maintained. I would suspect, you are already stronger in character than many of your contemporaries. Let that strength be your pride when all else is fails. Know of yourself that I have persevered through that, I can preserve through this. That doesn't mean its easy, that means that you know your stronger than any inequity life can throw at you.
Where will all this get you. I don't know. I will tell you where it got me. For all the inequities I have suffered and for all those I still suffer I am content in the strength of my perseverance and in the knowledge that I can withstand. From that contentment I have achieved happiness despite all those who wanted to see me fail, those narrow minds with simple thoughts who still try to buy happiness as a commodity. I have surpassed them all and I know of the quality of pride and contentment in myself and the true fulfilment they bring.
I know your young and I know some of what I said is beyond you and is not what any young man probably wants to hear. But, there it is for what its worth, maybe nothing. I think your a pretty smart guy though, and you'll get what I'm trying to say where maybe other readers won't.
thank you, you have given me a lot of perspective.and thank you again angel. i am very thankful for this forum, everyone is really kind
If you need someone to talk to please feel free to drop me a PM, or an email - my email address is on my profile. Keep smiling darlin, one day at a time cuddle