This is a nightmare

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Hi everyone, I check these forums sometimes and there seems to be some intelligent people with good advice. A lot of the stories are pretty funny, too. Anyway, onto my story.I met a great girl a few months back. Let me get the ages out of the way first. I'm 22 and just graduated from college. She's 20 and still in school. OK I met this girl and we hit it off. I only ever truly cared about a couple of women before, and there's this sick pattern of relationships suddenly ending too soon. An older woman I went out with for a while turned out to have a fiance. Another one led me along for a while then broke the news she was moving across the country. I've had the usual girls not calling, or me not calling them. That stuff I can handle. This new one tops them all.This girl, let's call her Rachel, shares an apartment with another slightly older guy (he's 25 I think). I met him, he was alright, kinda highstrung. I have my own place, and if things worked out would gladly have let her move in with me. We had the most romantic times together, and she really cheered me up. So many years of bullshit have built up for me that I'm kinda depressed. That's another story. Our first kiss was the sweetest moment of my life and I actually fell in love. A week later we slept together and the next day said how much we needed and loved each other. We were always holding hands, sneaking kisses, and cuddling. That stuff melts my heart. And nobody has ever said "I love you" to me before. It was great until the last couple weeks. Rachel felt more distant and not wanting to go out much. I set up dates and a nice dinner for our anniversary, then she changed her mind when I went to pick her up. I didn't complain, I just sucked it up and hanged out with her for a bit. Something was seriously wrong and I couldn't put my finger on it. Was she about to move back with her family in California? Was she thinking of a nice way to dump me? I tried getting the info from her, to make her feel better, and even asked if she wanted me to leave her. Finally last night I learned Rachel was pregnant. Not my work, thank god. She confessed to making a "mistake" with the guy she roomed with. After talking with her for a while I explained how I felt and it's definitely over between us. She didn't want it to be. Then she wanted to be "friends," and that's not gonna happen for me either. So that's the end of that. The only person I ever loved or loved me is gone now.I have a mix of feelings. I'm betrayed and broken hearted, but at the same time relieved. It's not my fault. And it's not my baby to worry about. She totally blew it. I am hard working, caring, and very wealthy, and she's missing out on so much. In her mind she probably thought I can take care of her and the baby, but that is NEVER gonna happen. I'm too young for that nonsense and have been extremely careful not to become a father. Maybe I dodged a bullet, but not fast enough to keep it from blowing a hole through my heart.Sorry if my first post is a little long. I don't have anyone else to talk to right now and it's tearing me up.

Hi Big Jay,I can see why you're so upset - nevermind the long post there's lots of them around and if you need to say something, then just say it. She has obviously made a mistake, a big one. I think you're a nice guy who obviously has good intentions, a warm heart, and you have your head screwed on well.Rachel seems to be a bit random - a bit 'flighty' to have made this kind of mistake. She might be a nice girl and all, but I think what has happened is a good thing for you. I feel that you deserve someone better. I can understand you're broken hearted as you obviously had feelings for her, and after having this happen your hopes have been smashed to pieces. Still, I think it's a good thing this happened now rather than at some later and more complex time in the relationship.You deserve someone who appreciates your sensibility, caring nature, kindness, hard working attitude, and someone who values this and holds on to you at any cost. Rachel isn't the one.On that point - don't worry, there's plenty of lovely women out there, beautiful people, who'll cherish you for who you are.Sometimes finding the right person can depend on where you go looking (it's not definate, but if you want a nun then you don't go picking up in pubs). Maybe you're not ready for someone new now, but in the meantime try to hang out with friends or do anything that keeps your mind off what has happened. Keep yourself busy and distracted from what's happened, do fun things and you'll soon learn that life can be bright again when you're on the market.Let us know how you get along - these boards never sleep so if you're feeling like letting it out, go for it.Cheers and good luck,SR

Hey, thanks man. Like I said this isn't the first time I was screwed over, but is definitely the worst yet. I've gotten good at dealing with them. I can laugh at how ridiculous it is every time I have something good a terrible thing comes along and quickly ends everything.I try to balance my levels of pessimism and optimism. Yeah, I already thought I can do better and will meet new people. On the other hand it'll probably just end in another painful and totally unreal way. It's like I wanna keep trying but at the same time want to give up. There's two voices in my head fighting over what to do. One's saying "Ahh you're a goddamn loser and are better off alone" and the other shouts back "No way. You're doing better and when shit happens learn from it."Oh, I never go to bars because I despise that crowd. For the record I stopped drinking over 2 years ago.

listen to that second voice,and everything SilentRain said!you'll find someone better,there are plenty of fish in the sea,as they say.

The two voices are usually your head and your heart in a conflict.I think the reason you've had a few bad experiences is just because those girls just weren't meant for you, or just didn't deserve you.Something good becomes of these bad situations though - because if they're the right person for you then this wouldn't happen. These breakups, hard as they may be, happen so that you're not stuck with someone incompatible with you for the rest of your life.They're stepping stones to finding the right one. So yes, there's a place for negativity and pessimmism, but these won't really get you anywhere or help you through the situation. They eat away at you and get you down.The bars etc was just an example. Maybe try joining a few clubs where you'll meet people with common interests. One example - I started volunteering doing bushland regeneration for the National Parks and Wildlife Services (that's what we call it in Autralia). I've met loads of lovely people that generally have the same interests and attitudes towards many things that I feel are important.You're right - shit happens, and it'll stay shit if you don't learn from it. Otherwise it can be a valuable experience, even if it is difficult.You're certainly not a loser, I honestly feel you're a really decent person. Just because you've had a few of these experiences it doesn't mean you're a loser, it simply means that you haven't yet found someone that you're compatible with yet.

Man, I feel for you. I guess a red flag is that she lived with another guy, which more often than not leads to sex. If you can't stand the thought of helping raise his kid then you really have to move on as soon as possible. Not meaning to find another woman right away but at least hanging out with your buddies again and keep a watch out for other women that you could start off as friends at least. I have been blown up a few times and it hurt everytime but each one gets easier unless its a death which I never had though. You may need a breather and reflect on yourself too for inner strenght. There is time now...time enough at last.

After learning about her living arrangments I wanted to walk away after the first date but we sorta clicked, and I would have felt horrible if I hadn't tried.I don't feel so bad for some reason. Strangely I feel better than I have the last few weeks. However, I will miss her. She's the one with serious problems now. She's having a baby at age 20, has no money, is in school and works, and has lost her mind. I asked her yesterday morning how she felt about the whole thing and she said "aside from trying not to puke every 5 minutes I'm pretty excited." I blew up on her for how insane she was. Her ex was also a friend of mine (not a long time friend or anything). So that's 2 less people I have to deal with.

Hi Big Jay, this e-mail should give you some insight on things from her perspective, since I was in her very same position thirteen years ago. I got pregnant in '93 by someone I loved very deeply, he was an ex-boyfriend I'd been having a fling with behind the back of my then boyfriend. The problem was, I still loved my ex, and when I found out I was pregnant an abortion was out of the question, primarily because of the feelings I still had. The point I'm making is, if she didnt have real feelings for this guy having his baby would surely be something she'd be questioning, dont you think? And if she has feelings for him, you're better off out of it, baby or no baby. If you've decided you're not going to stick around (and most men wouldnt) you'd be better off severing all ties and calling it a day. It seems though, that you are finding that difficult to do, since you are still in touch. Do you still love her too much to turn your back compleatly? For the record, my boyfriend stuck around, raised my son with me. My son called him dad till the day he died, and I've never seen a man love a child that much. To this day, whenever we refer to my sons father, we're talking about the man who raised him, not the man who happened to supply the sperm.

I severed all ties with her yesterday. Was clear about not wanting to see or talk to her again.What mostly bothers me is the big picture. This kinda thing keeps happening. I've never had a "normal" relationship for a considerable length of time. The longest I was with somebody was 3 or 4 months and I was the rebound.I talked to a few of my friends and they can't believe how well I'm taking it. They had much more colorful ways of dealing with something like this if it happened to them. About this specific thing I feel almost nothing. I'm not sad or angry or want to do anything stupid. Maybe I got so good at disconnecting it nothing hurts me anymore.

Well, if it didnt provoke any feeling in you why would you be describing it as a nightmare? Get honest with yourself! If you loved her to any degree, as you seem to have done, of course this will have provoked an emotional response in you, thats only natural. Maybe it dosesnt hurt as much if you put up the shutters and try to block it out?One thing I wouldnt worry about if I was you is the sketchy relationship history you've had so far, for Gods sake, you're only twenty-two. Now, if you were saying the same thing at fifty-two that'd be a different matter!Just as a point of curiosity, has this girl mentioned abortion at all? Has she said what the other guy thinks about his impending fatherhood?

In reply to:What mostly bothers me is the big picture. This kinda thing keeps happening well your supposed to date around to find "the one".its normal to break up with with a lot of people before finding someone who seems right for you.its even normal to break up with someone you were in a serious realtionship with.if you two were meant to be,you would still be together.but it sounds like you are taking it well,and thats good

She's keeping the baby and in her own words is "excited about it." I dunno, I guess the whole thing hasn't sunken in yet. It pisses me off remembering a talk we had about how we both want to wait until we're much older before even considering babies or marriage. We spend our whole lives in school or with parents and when you're finally free to do what you want and experience the world, why throw that freedom away? It's terrifying.
She's way too immature, too poor, and apparently too damn crazy to have kids.

It's not hard for me to meet women, it's finding one I like being with that's so damn hard. And being able to experience love was impossible in the past. We really connected. Although I think realistically. I didn't believe in fantasies that we'd be together forever.

Breaking up with someone you deeply cared for because she cheated and got pregnant sounds like a nightmare to me. I can't think of a more serious reason to end a relationship. The next girl I invest myself in will have to die in a plane crash or something to top this.

I honestly feel for you, I really do, most probably especially because listening to what you've had to say has made some guilt feelings resurface in me, related to my situation, which was so simular. The hurt I caused the man who raised my son with me was unforgivable, and of course that is compounded by the fact that he is dead now.He enobled himself unutterably in my eyes by staying around and actually loving the child (at least as much as I did!) But if that is not something you could do, (as you've said, it's out of the question for you) then the best thing to do is to move on, hard as that will be, and it will be, you wont forget this in a hurry. The important thing is not to let it make you bitter and suspicious. Dont let someone elses shoddy treatment of you make you a less worthy person for the next woman to enter into a relationship with. It would really be yourself and the next girl you'd be fucking up then, and surely your ex is not worth screwing up your future for? Count yourself lucky you were cute enough to use contraception, otherwise an unscrupulous woman might have taken the option of pretending the baby was yours - can you imagine where that might have ended up!!!We've all been hurt Jay, the man I really wanted to stay with (my sons biological father) might as well have spat in my face when I told him I was pregnant. He just fucked off and left me alone, I was 17 and so scared. I'll never forgive him, cause we had a three year history even at that stage, so it wasnt like I was some girl he'd just met at a disco. And of course that is an additional source of guilt now, that I was busy wanting some fucker who wasnt worth wanting, when I had the most decent man I've ever known right under my nose. I try to excuse myself by reminding myself I was only 17 at the time, but some days that dosent really wash.As you said yourself, it is a monumental thing, having kids, and yes, I was dirt poor too at the time. I've since gone back to school and am due to graduate in november. Yes, having a baby so young did hold me back big time, but the point I'm trying to make is that life deals some people shit cards, but as they say, it's not the cards you were dealt that matters - it's how you play them. Take care, you'll get through it, believe me, x.