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Thank you for posting all that, Diver. It has been a big eye-opener, how difficult and complex your life has been. With such complexities in your life, it is only to be expected that your moods will also be complex.Again, thank you.

Its kinda late and i couldn't read through everything but i think i understood. I might have been oblivious to the obvious but i didn't really know any of this about you. Always seemed to come off as a really happy guy, maybe that was fake and trying to live up to something. Either way the first thing you gotta do is be true to urself and true to urself with others. Hiding anything will make it worse. And as Craig said don't let a "label" be u easy way of acceptance, fight this label. Don't be in denial and embrass everything about u, but strive against it so it won't be something with you. Sure it may always linger, but from what i'm seen you are a very strong and great person so we all know you can get passed this!

In reply to: From my perspective it sounds like its difficult to trust people. As a matter of fact you told me that you are very selective of your friends. Yes I would say that I am VERY selective in people who I call a friend, with hobbies that I have though, I wouldn't say that I find it hard to trust people, if anything I'm totally the opposite, I will allow myself to trust someone, but if that trust is broken (even if only once), I find it VERY hard to be able to trust that person again.

In reply to:Thank you for posting all that, Diver. It has been a big eye-opener, how difficult and complex your life has been. With such complexities in your life, it is only to be expected that your moods will also be complex. After reading this again today, it's making me feel as if I'm coming out "smelling of roses". I don't know where I'm going with this, but there are a lot of things in my past I'm not proud of, things that I've done, not done and have been accused of. The things I've done and not done, I can live with, I know in my heart that these things have made me the person I am today, and that these things had "closure" at some point. But it's the things I've been accused of, when the "family" comes down my way and we meet up, it's just like I can see them looking at me, and them "wondering" if it's true or not.It's this thing in my past that can't be brought up, as far as my family are concerned, the family has been "split" and can't be repaired. My father knows now that this has been bothering me and when EVERYTHING started to come out in to the open, "he" told me that others in the family "know" I didn't do it... it's just a shame looking back now that no one told me that. I suppose one of the other things that has happened more recently over the last few years, is that I’ve started doubting myself with the past. I mean I know I didn’t do what I was accused of, but with having no one actually talk to me about it (until recently) my mind is sorta like trying to make me believe that I did (does that make sense?)

In reply to: I might have been oblivious to the obvious but i didn't really know any of this about you. Always seemed to come off as a really happy guy, maybe that was fake and trying to live up to something. Tony, up until a month and a half ago, no one really knew any of this about me. The only people that know (except family and the nut nut doc) are four of my closest friends and these people I would/have put my life on the line for. Generally most of the time (when I’m not feeling down) I am “happy”, the Internet helps a lot with that cuz I “can” be the person I want to be… that and it’s easier to “sound happy” online than it is to “sound unhappy”.Most people forget though that my fulltime and voluntary job is very much an “in your face job”, where confidence is “shown” by being “happy and go lucky”.

In reply to:I mean I know I didn’t do what I was accused of, but with having no one actually talk to me about it (until recently) my mind is sorta like trying to make me believe that I did (does that make sense?)It makes perfect sense. When so many people around make assumptions, we tend to feel that they must be true, even when we know they're not.Of course you're far from perfect, like we all are. We have all done things we are very ashamed of. But I'm still proud to know you.

In reply to: I'm still proud to know you. I 2nd that load and clear!

Hey man I know what you mean. It's susprisingly easy to pretend to be happy when you need to, I'm the same putting on a mask, a false smile. It's so hard to though to do that when underneath you just want to forget about everything, to just collapse and not worry about all the things you have going on. I just want to shout out sometimes, but have to restrain myself for the pretense. I'm the same when it comes to friends,I know a lot of people but don't have a lot of true friends. Man it has to get better, it will get better.

Hi Diver,Sorry to get back so late. Been busy with some papers. It seems to me that you have alot of issues you have been contending with for a long time. You may be able to put up a personable front in the presence of others, but do to so I think you have repressed yourself. This means that it all festers up inside of you. Sorry to get all psychodynamic but its the easiest way to explain it. Its hard for me to estimate the full scope of your dilemma or even how it came to a head. But I really believe that you should seek out a professional counselor, and not just someone who whips out the prescription pad with alacrity.My reasoning is this:1. You have tried the pharmacological route for awhile now, and although it helps it still is not curing the problem. You want to cure your problems right?2. A psychological evaluation will tease out the origin and maintenance factors. Thats going to take a few hours considering the chronic nature of Dysthymia.3. The people who are treating you now, with all due respect, might not be the foremost experts in this field. I know this because EVERYONE in the Psych field knows about Dysthymia. Its not some reare disorder. Its quite prevalent as a matter of fact, but I don't have the stats right in front of me right now.4. Final reason is that its a shame that you can't seem to get this treated and that you've had to battle these demons for so long. We all have our inner demons we battle, but when it gets to the point of appealing to help on the internet you know its time to take action. So please take action! I know that at the very least your improvement will be much more evident than what you are doing now.I think the only two pathological conditions that are near impossible to treat are alcoholism and cheating spouses.Best of luck to you chief! My prayers are with you.

In reply to: and not just someone who whips out the prescription pad with alacrity. My Doc isn’t that bad, and we have spoken about the pro’s and con’s of changing the medication that I’m on, to something different, and I’m fully aware that when I’m having a “happy day”, that it is only due to the drugs and not necessarily a good day in my head. In reply to: 1. You have tried the pharmacological route for awhile now, and although it helps it still is not curing the problem. You want to cure your problems right? Yes I do.In reply to:2. A psychological evaluation will tease out the origin and maintenance factors. Thats going to take a few hours considering the chronic nature of Dysthymia. See, this is more or less what I was expecting when I first went to see the psychiatrist, and then have like an “action plan” on what “we” were going to do, to start getting things better. Instead all I got was some Pakistani wanker that was literally clock watching throughout the whole interview. You see, I’m really sad… one of my hobbies is “body language”, I do it even without thinking about it anymore, and when “I go to someone (for a change)”, it would have been nice to have someone listen to me.In reply to:3. The people who are treating you now, with all due respect, might not be the foremost experts in this field. I know this because EVERYONE in the Psych field knows about Dysthymia. Its not some reare disorder. Its quite prevalent as a matter of fact, but I don't have the stats right in front of me right now. I’m currently looking for someone to see private. I feel TOTALLY let down by our NHS in this matter. This is something that I want to start getting right in my head. I just feel that when I finally start to open up about things and when I needed the NHS the most, they can’t deliver the goods.In reply to: 4. Final reason is that its a shame that you can't seem to get this treated and that you've had to battle these demons for so long. We all have our inner demons we battle, but when it gets to the point of appealing to help on the internet you know its time to take action. So please take action! I know that at the very least your improvement will be much more evident than what you are doing now. More or less what I said above. The only thing I would like to add, is that I didn’t post this on the board so much for help for myself, if I had the choice again, I wouldn’t have done it here. But I only hope that in myself doing this and then someone reads it, maybe they would get the courage to do the same. That and I felt it would be more beneficial to people like yourself in offering any form of advice, as you have given.