No Sex For Ten Years - What should I do?!

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Hi Everyone!! I hope you're OK. Straight to the point - I say.The last time I had ANY sexual contact with ANYONE was in April of 1997. That's almost 10 years ago. That's a long time. On that date - way back then - a friend and I exchanged blow jobs. He gave me [or should I say - my penis] an infection. My doctor was unable to define what it was exactly - in spite of several tests - but put me on antibiotics anyway. The most uncomfortable part of the infection [the tingling feeling within the shaft of the penis] went away - but other symptoms began to appear. My groin, butt and lower back ended up with a dozen or so red bumps. The doctor gave me MORE antibiotics. They didn't help. Over the course of about a year and a half I saw several doctors and was examined at several STD clinics - in an attempt to rid my body of the 'problem'. I had every STD test known to mankind. And not just once either - but several times. Every test came back negative. Including the two HIV tests I had and an HSV blood test. [An HSV test will tell you if you have the herpes virus in your blood] The most painful of all of the tests was when a Q-Tip looking thing [a small 'stick' with some cotton on the end] was shoved up my urethra. OUCH! Help finally arrived when a nurse at one of the STD clinics took me aside and told me that all of my symptoms were exactly like the one's her husband had when he had a yeast infection. Like ME - his problem started AFTER he had taken a LOT of antibiotics. A couple of weeks after I stopped eating sugar [which is something her husband also ate a lot of] and starting eating lots of yogurt - I was fine. And have been fine ever since. But it was one amazingly stressful year and a half - I can tell you. AND it caused me to FEAR the idea of ever having sex again. It also afforded me the unusual opportunity to examine my sexual feelings. When you're NOT involved with anyone sexually for nearly a decade - you do a LOT of thinking. For a long time I was all but convinced that I am gay. I have practically no sexual interest in women and whenever I masturbate [something that I did NOT give up!!] I only think of guys. But I'm not comfortable with labels because of how I think and feel. I never 'fit' any given label. So I have often asked myself, "Am I really gay?!" Well.... I have no interest in anal sex. And I can't help but believe that [to most people] 'gay sex' IS 'anal sex'. I also have no interest in the so-called stereotypical 'gay lifestyle'. [Parades, bars, pottery shops!! lol] In fact - what I fantasize about having in my life is a best friend who wouldn't mind being my jack-off buddy. [And maybe - every now and then - exchange blow jobs - but only if we are wearing condoms] Not very exciting - I know - but that's what I'd like. Still... how does a 43 year old guy find someone like that?! And if I did find such a person - what do I do? I KNOW that I have nothing [STD wise] but what about him?! Do I insist that he is tested for everything under the sun?! On top of all of that - is my faith. I believe in God and Jesus. That makes me a Christian. And I'm sure most of you know what many Christians think about two guys doing ANYTHING sexual together. And maybe they're right. But then again - maybe their not. Perhaps God only frowns on anal sex and what I would like to do is OK with Him. [At least that's what I'd like to believe] I'm telling you all of this for two reasons. I'm unbelievably lonely and extremely fearful of ever actually getting a serious STD. [Especially one that can't be cured] Should I remain celibate until I die? Many people do. And I KNOW that I can survive without any sexual contact. But I'd also hate to avoid having sexual contact with someone special in my life if it wasn't necessary for me to do so. IF you're under the impression that I'm very confused. Well... at least I know that you actually read this message. Hmmm....Any thoughts?!Thanks for reading this. I just really needed to TALK. GREAT BIG HUGCraig!!

I think it's certainly best to be safer than reckless. I think if you know someone well enough to start having sex with them, then chances are you'll know them well enough to assume they don't sleep around.On a religious note - I don't believe there is a God, but if there was I find it hard to think of him sat there thinking: "Hmmm, no bum sex. I'll let them jerk each other off and give blow jobs though - after all, I wouldn't want to be a hypocrit, what with me playing around with Gabriel and all".

Hey Craig,Sorry to hear all the issues you went through in the last 10 years, I can imagine that was very difficult and frustrating for you. I am glad you finally got it fingered out and you are fine now. As for the whole sexuality thing, trust me being gay is not all about anal sex, pottery shops, parades and bars. I'm a gay male and I have never been to a Gay Pride Parade, hate pottery, and in truth I can do without anal sex. There are so many stereotypes that come to the gay community that are so false. We come in all shapes, sizes, colors, and personalities .On the topic of religion, I'm a Christian and gay; it's very possible. In my opinion, without getting too in-depth, I don't feel god is going to condemn one of his children to hell for loving another person. Granted it might not have been in his original plan on how things are to be done, but regardless I believe he loves his children and wishes his children to be happy and to love.OH and as for the whole "It's okay with God as long as there's no Anal sex" it a bit... well far-fetched. I doubt leaving out one act is going to persuade his opinion one way or another. If one is going to follow some of the radical Christians about this topic, than it’s the act itself that will send you to hell, and giving a blowjob to another male would still be an act of homosexuality. I hope you know regardless you don’t need to label yourself I personally hate labels. I think this world would be awesome if we just didn’t have labels. But unfortunately most people are very comfortable with labels because it takes out the unknown. Best thing I can say is be who you are, and never deny yourself because that will just cause you stress and anxiety down the road. One thing I like to tell people is that being gay is only a small fraction of who you are, it’s not what you are. If you every need to talk or have questions please feel free to send me a PM.Take Care and I hope I hoped, even if a little.

With regard to whether your gay or not, only you can know that. However, I think, your assumption that being gay automatically equates to anal sex is wrong. In the gay community, just as in the straight or bi community, there are a plethora of different degrees of interests and desires. There is no law that says just because your gay you have to like anal sex. Sex is it's own thing, being gay has more to do with an emotional connection to the same sex. If you find that connection, what each of you are willing to do in the bedroom is your own choice and dependent on your level of comfort with what your doing, yourself and each other.As for what the "gay lifestyle" is I think your wrong. Contrary to popular belief I don't really think there is a "gay lifestyle". I'm sure that there are more gay men and women who have never been to a pride parade or bath house, than those that have. Your lifestyle is whatever you want it to be. How you live it really has nothing to do with your sexuality, it simply has to do with the choice you make and values you keep. Every gay man or women is different than the other, just like everyone else.Don't fall into the trap, that most do, that because what you see are the flamers that, that, is what being gay is. That's wrong. The fact of the matter is that you aren't going to notice the quiet man sitting in the corner reading the new issue of Road & Track or Popular Mechanics. And, if you do, because of your own stereotypes you aren't going to automatically think of him as gay. But, however you see him or however you think of him, does nothing to change the fact that he's gay. Like you, he doesn't care about going to pottery shops either. Do yourself the greatest favor one can and leave behind the baggage of labels. Don't apply them to other people and for the sake of your own happiness and sanity don't apply them to yourself.As for your STD fears, just like anybody else, be safe and don't unwrap the rascal until you have known them long enough and well enough to really trust and know that they don't have anything. You had a scary close call but don't let it dictate your life.As for being gay and Christan I for one don't think god is going to judge you for who choose to share your love with. If god is forgiving it make no sense to me that he would damn you to hell for loving who you do.

Im just curious, what is your sexual preference? Is it males only? or both

Wallys reply is what ya get for posting on a quik post rather than replying to who your talking to, good job, now a large muscular straight guy thinks ya wanna finger his touch hole.

Thanks for posting that, Craig.I hope you find that your confusion is welcome here, because it is. And it is most likely a very rational response to the things you're struggling with. I work in an environment where people have wanted to pathologize others for everything from writing "dark" poetry to masturbating loudly. And unfortunately, it doesn't just happen in mental health care situations. Normal people do it every day. I think you have to be wary of that. It is so easy to look at this and that part of your life and wonder "is this normal...is that normal", start seeing yourself as abnormal, then getting confused about it all and then begin seeing even that confusion as something pathological.Hell, I'm confusing myself now.Anyway, your post struck something with me. While I am not struggling with some of your specific issues, I feel I am fighting some similar dragons. I would invite you to consider joining me in NOT labeling ourselves as abnormal over things we do or think that don't look or sound like the next guy. And in letting the confusion be a sign that we are complex individuals, not sick individuals."Do I contradict myself?Very well then. I contradict myself.I am large. I contain multitudes!" -- Walt Whitman

Craig,
I'm going to give you a big verbal kick in the behind here

I'm lucky enough never to have had an STD, but I think you really need to "get back on the horse" even after having bee thrown once

You are denying your self any form of sexual existance at present, but more importantly you are denying yourself any sort of romantic and emotional fullfillment

I think you worry about your age a bit too much?
Wait till you pass 50, you'll look back and wonder what you were thinking

I've had a look at your web-site from time to time and you seem to be a very careing person with a lot to offer some one, not just in the bed-room

I am not a christian, so I can't comment on your god's view on anal sex, but I am sure there are a few gay male christians here would be happy to talk to you

So...
Off the fence
Get out there and live...
And love

Greg

Hey Craig,I see you 've been through a lot of discomfort and unhappiness these past 10 years. It's only natural that you refrain from sexual activity. Hey, even I have some rules for sex - to play safe.However, you shouldn't let those bad experiences frustrate you or hold you back. Go out there, find a guy interested in the same things you are and have a new relationship already!Regarding religion, I am a Christian myself and I know that there are some things written in the bible that were major taboos, and I think that they are more than surpassed over the years. For example, masturbation.About anal sex, you don't have to like it to be gay and being gay doesn't mean that you have to like anal. Take me for example, I love anal but I 'm not gay, and many straight guys like anal every once in a while. Good luck sorting out your feelings, and if you need any more advice, we 're here to help you man!

Hi Guys!! I hope you're OK. I know I'm digging up an older topic - but I failed to let all of you know just how much I appreciated the responses. Not much has changed since the first message in this thread - relationship wise - but I am going back to CODA meetings which I think will help me with my desire to STOP feeling as though I am fully responsible for how everyone in my life thinks and feels. No wonder I fear the idea of having a relationship. [I didn't mention all that in my first post - but there you go!!] Thanks again and have a great day.GREAT BIG HUGCraig!!

Have you resolved the sexual conflictions you were having?

Hi ClassyBlackWoman!! I hope you're having a great day.ME? Resolve something?! Haha!! Quite seriously - I'll probably go to my grave 'wondering' and 'questioning' who I am and how I feel. I will admit - however - that maybe - MAYBE - I am starting to be a little more 'OK' with NOT being absolutely sure. Because really - is anyone ever really ever 100% sure about anything?!Thanks for caring. GREAT BIG HUGCraig!!

Hi HelmsmaN!! I hope you're feeling GREAT!!Thanks for the link. I'll be sure to look at that site. I also appreciate the encouragement. I really DO have to start living. I've been hiding under my bed [so to speak] for far too long. GREAT BIG HUGCraig!! PS CODA is GOOD!!