Situation #2 - Friend

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So here's another situation that's been on my mind for a while now. I actually mentioned it in another thread, but would love some input. Honest input.So I've got this buddy. He's been my best friend for several years now. We were even roommates for a few years. But he's pretty damned wishy-washy. He takes way more then he gives. And sometmes he can be rather non-responsive. But I've loved having his friendship.Since I've left Louisville, we've pretty much had semi-regular contact, as I have with all my friends up there. Emails, phone calls, I've crashed at his place several times when I've been up there. That sort of thing. The last time I saw him or talked to him was almost a couple of months ago when I went to friend #2's house to see friend #3 who was in from Phoenix. My buddy was there and we all had a grand time. The next day I met him for lunch and had a decent time before I came home.Since then I sent him and email. Got no reply. Sent another one a couple weeks later. No reply. A couple of weeks ago I ran up to Louisville to visit a friend whose baby is in the hospital so I called A to see if he was available and wanted to grab dinner or something before I left. He didn't answer so I left a message. He has never bothered to call back.So this has been really frustrating. Okay, to be honest, it's been rather hurtful. He is obviously making a conscious effort to not reply to me. Why? If he would rather write me off, I wish he would have the balls to say so. So I've decided that's it. As much as it hurts, I'm not gonna continue to write or call. If he wants to continue a friendship, he's gonna have to put forth some damned effort. And we've kinda been down this road before, where he gets all elusive, but I continue to pursue and then he comes around and it's normal again. But do I wanna keep doing that? Should I keep doing that? At what point do I say okay, so maybe if I called you one more time or emailed you 2 more times you might eventually respond and we would have a good chat or visit or whatever and things would seem normal again, but I'm not gonna do it any more. You have to get off your damned, wishy-washy, self-centered ass and make some effort to keep a friend? Or should I send him an email basically, in a more diplomatic way, express my frustrations and give him that ultimatum?Confession - I did do a little fishing expedition today. I sent him an email that said simply "have you heard of this guy?" and had a link for Paulo Nutini (a musician).I'm also gonna be in Louisville for 8 days in May for a training. But I'm thinking I shouldn't call A to let him know if I haven't heard from him by then. I'm thinking maybe I'll talk to friend #2 from above and have her tell him that I'm coming up and if he wants to get together then to give me a call.I realize how weird this all sounds. Maybe some of you might think it's rather 13 year old girlish. But I've learned the value of male friends, and this one has had value for me, obviously.So I'm at a loss...

Actually, there is no wife, for either of us.Quote:Be thankful for the ones you still keep in touch with, have a rockin' life, and don't sweat the ones that got away...like fishing I suppose.Yeah, that's good. I know that I've dragged my feet about building a life for myself down here. Made a couple of big steps in that direction this past week. I just feel like I'm losing more and more of who I used to be. Maybe that can be more and more my motivation to make it happen here.And I still do have a couple of really good friends in the Ville.

Quote:I just feel like I'm losing more and more of who I used to be. That happens as we grow up. Your still you though. Helms is right, friends do come and go. Things evolve, and sometimes you miss the old times, but without 'em, you would not have the new times.I am thankful for the friends that have drifted, at least, on that note, we didn't become "non" friends, just VERY distant....

Wow.. I needed to hear all that.

Damien you and I are so similar in many situations it kind of mind boggling. I've been having this same issue with some of my long time friends and basically I had to stop trying because it turned very unhealthy for me because I was constantly getting hurt and as we both know enough emotional pain and it cuts like a knife.
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Or should I send him an email basically, in a more diplomatic way, express my frustrations and give him that ultimatum?
It's exactly what I did because one thing I need is closure. I need to let them know how I feel and give them a chance to express how they feel and if they still wished to be friends and continue the relationship. In some situation it was concluded that we out grew our friendship and best to move on and in another situation it turned out making the friendship stronger. But at least there was closure on all the situations and it helps to put the mind at ease, not to mention eased the emotional pain.
I personally don't think you need to continue to put yourself through his type of emotional feud; it's not fair to you and a friend wouldn't want you to go through it. Perhaps it's time to give the ultimatum and move on if need be.

I've given ultimatums before, but broken down within a few weeks and tried to contact them, but they still haven't seemed to want to talk to me. Time will pass where we don't talk, then if I see them out, they will say something like we need to hang out more, and I tell them to call me or something. They never do. I don't know what to do. I want the friendship to last and all, but there has to be a point where I say no more grief.. I just can't make myself say no.

True dat!
I think maybe this is coming at a good time for me. I've figured out that this really is part of my transition to a new place. It's been a heckuva lot rougher than I thought it would be. But finally, over the past week or so, some things have started popping that make me feel like it might be alright. I see a light at the end of the tunnel as far as friendships, opportunities for service, community stuff...whatever. Adair County is my home now, not Louisville.

Interesting update though...I just got an email from Adam and he apologized for not responding. Said he's been sick for two weeks. Whatever. It's cool and I told him I'd be in Louisville for a training and would love to hang out with him a time or two. But now I'm at a point where I don't feel like I want to invest more time and energy in it than he is. I'm not gonna do all the work to sustain a friendship. I'd rather use that time and energy to build new friendships (and maybe even a dating relationship...gasp!) where I live.

So this has really been good for me.