I'm looking for some information/help.I'm a bit upset and pissed off right now, so hopefully this will be clear.My little brother has been married for 3 years. He has 2 amazing kids, little girl is 2, little boy is almost 4. His wife is a bitch. Always has been, possibly always will be. He came back from a work trip several weeks ago and she started leaving the house with no explanation, not talking to him, being incredibly...bitchy. A few days later she asked him to move out. He did. Moved in with my other brother. She didn't give him a reason for a long time. Finally said something like I don't like the way you act and crap like that. Nothing solid. Little brother is trying his damndest to keep his family together. Spends time with the kids everyday after work, more time on weekends.So I'm sitting here in a coffee shop in Wilmington, NC, on vacation. Phone rings, it's Justin. He's upset and doesn't know what to do. Just got the divorce papers. He said "I know you don't know anything about divorce, I was just hoping you would know what to do". He's devestated. Started crying saying "I don't want a divorce." Ky is a no-fault state so he can't fight it. He's also concerned cause he can't afford a lawyer. I told him not to worry about that. He's got family. I told him he knows he will have all the emotional support he can handle from his family. But none of us have been through this. So...what would you tell little brother? What does he need to do? How can he protect hisself, his contact with his children, family's contact with children, his assets?I know this is a big question, but I just don't even know where to tell him to start. The only thing I knew to tell him was to find a friend who has been through a divorce that can at least tell him what logistical steps he needs to take.I know some of you have been through this, hoping you can tell me something I can pass on to the kid.Thanks.I'm sad.I'm out.D
Ill owe ya an reply, when I have the time Im jsut leaving right now and this one would be too long to summarize right off inthe time I have. keep in mind though that if shes a bitch hes well rid of her and if its always tension in the home the kids are better off with out that and adivorce can be a good thing, just ask me or Mr U
Yes, the entire Cavanaugh family is looking forward to the first peaceful holidays in years. As far as the sis-in-law, he's better off without her. He just wants to make sure he protects his relationship with the kids and his assets (minimal as they are).I look forward to your reply.
That's tough. Even though I'm anti marriage, and the first bit of advice I'd give him is to never re-marry, it's still a tough thing to go through in the moment. He seems like a stand up guy, and has a lot of family support. I think enforcing the family support like you did was the best thing you could do. Also try to find out if there are any low cost or no cost lawyers in your area for low income folks. Besides that, only time will heal his heart.Don't mean to go off topic but what city is that in your Avatar? Looks like Pittsburgh.
Yes, he could start by ringing the court and asking about legal aid. He really really needs someone who can advise about options.The situation here is fairly straightforward about property - the court starts with the supposition that all assets will be divided equally, and needs strong arguments for anything different. If the marriage is reasonably long-standing the arguments need to be very strong, and that one person brought most of the assets to the marriage, or that one person earned most of the money, isn't enough. About custody, the court tries to determine which parent will give the children a better home. The other parent always gets regular access rights. But it may be quite different in your area.
assets are a bitch, I had a high priced attorney and I go tmy fucking clothes, the beater truck and my fishing and hunting stuff but not the camp trailer. She got everything else, big screen tv sattelite dish, vcrs (dvd was not invented when I got a divorce or the bitch would of had that too) the house, 2 cars, one being a classic monte I had restored and put a new crate engine with a blower in it and was ready for paint and my fucking bronco and all the furniture and the bed.
They told me at a meeting between my attorney and me and her and hers, that I would pay 800 a mnth in alimoney and another 900 a month in child support. I told them to fuck off. they infomred me that id be in jail for refusal to pay it and I said to fuck off. I explained that Id been locked up numerous times and didnt give a shit about some couty or city shitty ass jail so they could fuck them selves, if Im sitting in jail Id not be paying child support and since that bithc had never worked a day inher life shed have zero income, they dropped the the whole alimoney bullshit after my ex explained that I was telling the truth and had spent numreous and varied amounts of time in jail and didnt give a fuck.
Custodey I didnt fight as I was driving truck and wasnt in the state much anyways. I did however later fight and win custodey so it can be done by a man, even in Utah, land of the funny underwear. he can forget assets, hes fucked on em if he cant afford an attorney and I had a good attorney and still couldnt pull out shit aside from a gun collection that was worth about 20k at the time nad one truck I used for hauling garbage to the dump and to run parts in for the other cars when they were in need.
Remember divorce is expensive because its worth it.
as to teh kids thats really up to him.
In Utah the law states every other weekend and one day during the week. thats the min, not the max, you can work that out between yourselves with out an attorney. it also states alternating holidays so while he may not have them this christmas he would HAVE to have them the following christmas.
Really to find it out he needs to look up the minimum child visitation rights for your state.
Now the law says nothign about how often he can call to talk to his children. the secret no matter what the courts says is to stay close to the kids, alwyas call them daily, talk to them, be a part of thier lives.you may nto have them daily but that fucking phone works.
The other secret to kids is to not make them part of the fight.
they ar nto a weapon to be weilded against your former spouse, dont fuck them around and play games and talk shit onthe other one when you have them.
sounds simple emough but that is osmething pretty much every fucking person that gets a divorce does. leave them the fuck out of it, its not thier fault and they suffer enough with out being used as messengers and weapons.
My divorce lasted 2 years in court, it was abastard and cost me several grand that took me 3 fucking years to pay off after it was done and I started with a 3k retainer, I thought Id get money back, how fucking wrong I was.
I dont know what eles to tell your brother, if he can not be a dick about it and be fair and assuming she can not be a cunt and be fair there is always the option of mediation. You can do it yourselves or hire a mediator, either way its cheaper than an attorney, but only if you can be fair and adults about shit, other wise its a waste of money that will end up tossed out and attorneys hired.
If he decides to fight for custodey the first step, atleast in Utah is that they court appoints a investigator to look into both parties homes, finances, and talk to everyone they can find that knows them. its a evaluation for the best enviroment for the kids and you two get to split the bill for it.
divorce is emotionally and financially draining.
if hes going to fight it out with her in court he needs to remember one thing that people forget.
Your nto single till that papers signed by a judge
dotn go out dating and seeing other people till tis done. Your dating and drinking and drugging and anything else problems can be used against you in that court room. it doenst matter if its one girl hats there for the next 3 years before he dumps her and sees another, he isnt single and cant be seeing other wemon till he is. her seeing other guys after they file and before its final can be used against her.
keep track of everything she says and does.
keep a fucking notebook, write it all down the good the bad the ugly, track it all and document it times places quotes, it can all be used against her.
prepare for a fight, and hope that they are both adult enough to work shit out with mediation otherwise the only ones that win are the divorce attorneys
they cold do it easy too and get a shared custody
My brother (2 of em) have that from thier divorce the kids live with one parent then the other for a week at a time, attend the same school all that shit. but they live in a small town where it takes 5 minutes to drive from one house to the other and they talk enough to work out shit when problems arise or plans crop up that interfere with dates.
the other brother who has it works shift and is on 3 days and off 3 days with 12 hour days being the norm for the three hes on. he has them every one of his days off.
lives in the smae small town as the other brother but his ex lives 3 blocks over, about a quarter mile walk. the kids meet the bus for school at te same place no matter what parent they are with and they also work out shit like vacations and family reunions and last minute changes and shit.
being an adult to the twat you hate goes along ways towards making life easier after divorce, IF she can handle being an adult to you as well, if nto then its just you beign shit on and walked on and hit and kicked and shit.
good luck to your brother, if ya can narrow anything down I can help with advice wise let me know, Iv seen all teh bad sht that can happen, Im nto sure with out specifics what else advice I can give now apart from remembering that divorces cost so much because they are worth it.
Damn dude, that's a lot to prepare for!!!
Eh it sux to be a guy in a divorce. I really think the courts lean towards women...sad as that is. Equal rights and womans lib bullshit...wanna be like a man, get jacked by the court like a man too...grr...Ok enough of the tangent...Start by calling attorneys, most do a free consultation. See four or five if needed to get some of the basics answered...Check with the court, here the Superior Court employs facilitators, and mediators. As long as you have those there, your bro can get legal help and a mediator involved that the court will listen too. I doubt that he will "win" everything he wants, but if the court there can fund the programs, he has a pretty good chance of comming out feet down, if not head up.Also, it may be a no fault state, but is it a strict community property state? She may want out, but doesn't have a pot to take with her.
Sorry I have no advice...I just wanted to say I hope everything works out for your brother and his family.
I prefer to think of it as experienced.I lived with that miserable bitch for 10 years and fought her in cuort for 2 more, that woman would make anyone bitter.she nearly turned me gay, but I couldnt stand the thoughts of being fucked in teh ass, so I gave the female gender one more chance.
Originally Posted By: Grvtykllr but I couldnt stand the thoughts of being fucked in teh ass, so I gave the female gender one more chance. You should have been the top! LoLAnd Damien, I hope everything works out okay for your brother. I'm a child of divorce so I know exactly what Chance is saying about using kids as a weapon... and we were through the whole divorce. For the sake of the children I hope they can find a civil way through the divorce and leave the children out of it as much as possible.
I called the little brother last night and he was doing much better. Even answered the phone with a joke.Well, I'm pretty darned proud of the kid. He (and she) took some good steps yesterday. The first thing he did was to go see a lawyer who is a friend of the family. Lawyer isn't representing him, just advising on what and when and all that. Even told him to come back anytime he needed more "guidance". Justin also knows about the legal aid center in town, although that might not be necessary.He has decided not to ask for shared custody. His reason is that he wants the kids to have more stability then a week here and a week there. The "legal" arrangement will be every other weekend and one day a week. Of course, he can and will see them more than that. My parents will still be providing child care during the day and my brother only lives about two blocks from his kidsr right now. Holidays will be pretty easy since they both live in the same town with all 4 grandparents.He and the bitch-in-law actually started dividing property yesterday, and it seems like they were doing it in a very mature, selfless manner. She wanted the new tv. He said no since it was purchased to replace one given to him as a gift by my parents. She was okay with that. She has 2 other tv's. He told her he needed the dining room set cause it belonged to me. She asked him if he thought I would let her use it until she got another one. I told him to tell her she could have it. I keep forgetting it exists anyway. Basically, he's feeling like she needs to keep most of the household stuff cause of the kids. She has been driving his car since they separated, but has agreed to refinance it in her name and make the payments. He still needs to mind his p's and q's and watch his back, but I think they're gonna be fine. He said he's anxious for 60 days to pass so it will all be over. I'm happy to have Thanksgiving and Christmas without her.Thanks for all your advice and kind words. Being a big brother is hard sometimes.
Originally Posted By: SexpertDon't mean to go off topic but what city is that in your Avatar? Looks like Pittsburgh. Actually, it's Louisville, on a very gray day.
Thanks, and I'm glad things are working out for your bro!
Damien, I'm really sorry this is happening to your brother. I agree it's time form family to pull together and take care of their own..My partner was married and his ex-wife dropped the bomb pretty much the same way, so I asked him what kind of advice he might give…..Divorce, what a nasty subject. Been there, done that. There is really nothing you can do when your spouse/partner wants out. No matter what you say or do, if they want out it’s done. It hurts like hell and there is no way to understand how someone who loved you enough to marry you could just turn on you like that. But, speaking from experience, it gets better. It takes a while but it does get better. You just need to understand that there is nothing anyone can do in this situation. You can’t sit there any keep asking why, or keep saying “I can change” but it won’t help. You need to understand that this person will no longer love you the way they once did and it’s their loss! The other thing to understand if there are kids involved, that you cannot put them in the middle. It will ruin their lives. You have to leave them out of the divorce as much as possible. Don’t say bad things about your ex in front of them because they love you both and do not have the capacity to choose. It’s a no-fault state…. That means 50 percent of everything belongs to you, INCLUDING your children’s time!! “IF” it goes to court, you need to prove to the judge that you are a good parent and that you have the best interests of your children in mind, NO MATTER WHAT! If you want joint custody then you cannot give your ex anything they can use against you. The best thing to do is to ask for mediation. It’s cheaper than a lawyer!!! This is the best way to have your wants and needs heard. The mediators do not take sides and try to do what’s best for whoever is involved. Remember, KISS (Keep it simple stupid). It sounds harsh, I know but in these situations the mediators/courts watch carefully and listen more to the person that is being fair and not asking for everything including the rights to your balls! Keep it 50/50. You may have to give up some things to get what you really want, but remember, they are only things.Right now it hurts like hell, but this is where you need to keep it together and keep your head about you. Keep your mouth shut and your eyes open. Always have a plan when meeting with attorneys or mediators. Never say or do anything that makes you look bad. I am not saying be a push over and let your ex walk all over you, but if you keep a cool head and a closed mouth, most of the time the ex will screw something up for themselves. They are waiting for you to be emotional and scattered. Surround yourself with family and true friends. The other thing to remember is that if you moved out, you no longer have to pay the bills on a place you do not occupy. Freeze joint credit cards, take your ex’s signing privileges away on anything that is in your name. Open a bank account in your name only and change direct deposits. Make sure your kids are taken care of, but your ex is no longer your responsibility. When I got divorced, everything was split down the middle. No alimony no child support. I paid for everything when the kids were with me and she paid for everything when they were with her. We had a week to week schedule, one week with me, one week with her, always changing on Monday. Keep consistency in your kids lives! If you get them 50% of the time there is no need for child support. Also, if you make less then your ex, you can ask for alimony!! It’s not just a woman’s thing. It gives you something to bargain with!Take one day at a time… divorce is crap but not the end of your life. Take time to grieve… this bullshit about men don’t cry is for insecure small-minded men that will never amount to crap.See this as a fresh start… You may wonder what I got in my divorce….Anything that was mine before we married and:TV – The new sperm donor will not watch my TVFridge – He will not eat out of my FridgeDishes – He will not eat off my dishes Washer-Dryer – He won’t wash his clothes in my washer and dryerBed – And he will not fuck my wife in my bed!!!Also, if you notice, I did not take much but what I did take were the things that were the most expensive to replace!
sometimes two people cant be together, that doesnt mean they cant be decent to each other on short occasions, so long as they both are willing to be adults its much easier to seperate than it can be in a divorce court.make sure he keeps a list of everything they agree on to split up and all that shits put in writing and she signs in and he does as well. if it goes to hell inteh future he can alwyas pull it out and have it for court.Good luck to him with it all, and to you and yours Damien, Id like to wish you a bitch free holiday season! even though that doesnt really start for a another month or so, the shtis on sale for decorating at wlmart now.EDIT:one thing I forgot to metnion, be careful abotu custody, he can go for joint or full later on if its wanted or needed, but be fucking careful!even when my x had the kids I still had full legal custody, legal and physical are nto the same, never give up teh legal custody!since my rehearing in 2005 she has no legal and I have full physical, atleast on one kid she retained physical of the other but gave up legal and physical on the younger while doing it, I nnever gave up legal on the one that I get every other weekend.because of legal she cant get him from the school, attend parent teacher shit, she has a restraining order agianst me for beaitng up bfs that fucked with my kids, so now she cant attend any games or plays or anythign if Im there because that would force a violation of the restraingin order and she has no legal reason to be there to see him play. if Im there and shes there, she is promtly removed I keep a copie of the order in my car at all times incase I need it and a copy of the restraining order and nudges decree. Iv used it many times int eh past, I get a big smile everytime she screams and yells and I pull out the orders for the police that promptly remove her ass from the basketball game, I get overjoyed when teh school calls me and says shes there what should we do? and I tell them to simply give the copy of the order to the cop thats stationed at the school and he will know what to do. Shes tried many time to pul him out of school early for her weekends and she jsut doenst learn that she cant. she now has an order baring her from his high school period. because of that she cant even go to the school to see her little brother that attends the same school.it maks me all warm and fuzzy inside each time I turn shit around and use her weapons against her to keep that twat from my life.