Long... but try to stay with it PLEASE

---

Okay I feel like a fraud everyday. I always wanted to be someone else ever since I was young pretending I was a Power Ranger or Vegeta from Dragonball Z. Me and my family moved in 2001 from New York to Pennsylvania where I currently reside. At that time I was doing bad in school somewhat and my friends kind of turned on me in New York. So I was turning into who I was which was myself and feel that was what I was destined to be. When I moved to P.A. I had to force myself to be something different in order to fit in because I had to go back to sixth grade which i had just passed. Now who I am is something I hate.I went through a phase in Middle school. I dint talk and I was miserable the whole time. This is middle school on P.A. I'va gotten better somewhat. But my mind is going in circles constantly.I try hard to make a world for myself but whenever I get really happy with myself. My parents say something and I fall back into dpression. And then I fall even farther because I feel like an a$$hole for even trying to make my own world around myself and neglecting my parents and friends. For an example the other night I finished watching The whole Evil Dead series and after I went on the computer and my dad walked into the kitchen and when he walked back passed me he said, "did I turn these lights on." and when I said no he said, " Oh i thought I ruined the moment again." he didnt say it in a nasty tone just in a way that really bothered me. and now I'm back in a depressed state again. I just want to go somewhere by myself and disappear and make a new life with new friends, but I'm to young and my parents always put guilt on me and I dont have the guts to do shit to turn my life in a different direction.I'm just lost and over protected. I need a change but there is no way to change because I sense things before they come at me (thats for a later time though).I just need someone who can tell me something I dont know and talk me off the ledge because scuicide has been on my mind since I could remember.

While I'm not qualified to help you, there are others on this board who can. Give it some time and hang in there. We all care about you.

I try hard to make a world for myself What do you mean by this?> my dad walked into the kitchen and when he walked back passed me he said, "did I turn these lights on." and when I said no he said, " Oh i thought I ruined the moment again."Can you explain to me what bothered you? I don't get what your dad meant when he said "i guess I ruined the moment again"> I just want to go somewhere by myself and disappear and make a new life with new friendsUnfortunately, unless you're 18, this probably won't be possible.> because I sense things before they come at meWhat do you mean by this?

For an example the other night I finished watching The whole Evil Dead series and after I went on the computer and my dad walked into the kitchen and when he walked back passed me he said, "did I turn these lights on." and when I said no he said, " Oh i thought I ruined the moment again." he didnt say it in a nasty tone just in a way that really bothered me. and now I'm back in a depressed state again. I don't know why this bothered you. I think he was hoping th elight was turned off, so that he could scare you sisnce you were watching a horror flick.

to the first thing:what I mean is. I'm so sick of what I have turned out to be that i try to make myself what I am happy with, I can give myself more answers to why things are the way they are. I basically imagine myself in a different world.(I am horrible at explaining things)Second:My dad can say things that'll hint to things and I am so concious of hurting my parents feelings that if they say things at certain times it'll just really bother me. and me and my dad have had problems in the past of him doing things for me while I'm doing them and I'll just get mad at him cause he treats me like a kid though I'm seventeen.Third:I know exactley what you're saying. age totally sucks. I feel like I have been sitting on the couch watching T.V. my whole life just to turn 18 and get away.Fourth:Part of the reason why I'm so sad is because nothings funny anymore. I cant connect to people through laughing because whatever they say I've already expected from them so I'm just so ticked that nothings new. everythings the same. I just need some type of change like a girlfriend orsomething really drastic. But it's really hard for me to talk to girls.

Originally Posted By: Julesto the first thing:what I mean is. I'm so sick of what I have turned out to be that i try to make myself what I am happy with, I can give myself more answers to why things are the way they are. I basically imagine myself in a different world.(I am horrible at explaining things)So why don't you turn into someone that you would like to be? Stop making up answers for why things are the way they are and do something about it. Quote:Second:My dad can say things that'll hint to things and I am so concious of hurting my parents feelings that if they say things at certain times it'll just really bother me. and me and my dad have had problems in the past of him doing things for me while I'm doing them and I'll just get mad at him cause he treats me like a kid though I'm seventeen.This still doesn't make any sense to me, but oh well. Quote:Third:I know exactley what you're saying. age totally sucks. I feel like I have been sitting on the couch watching T.V. my whole life just to turn 18 and get away.Are you going to be able to get away once you're 18? Do you have some money? A job? A place to go?These are all things you can prepare for NOW. Go out and get a job, save your money, start looking for a place to live and go from there. Sitting around doing nothing is not going to help you leave once you're 18. Quote:Fourth:Part of the reason why I'm so sad is because nothings funny anymore. I cant connect to people through laughing because whatever they say I've already expected from them so I'm just so ticked that nothings new. everythings the same. I just need some type of change like a girlfriend orsomething really drastic. But it's really hard for me to talk to girls. I find it hard to believe that you can predict everything people say. And not everything is the same, I guarantee it.If you need a type of change, you can do that yourself. Do something you would never expect yourself to do or something like that. Nothing will change unless you do something. Things aren't going to change if you expect them to change by waiiting around.

I probably aren't the person to say something, but here goes anyway.When I was 14 and in High School, I moved to Nebraska. I had no friends, and regardless of what I did, I was the weird creepy hick who moved to town. (I moved from West Virginia, and although I have straight teeth and a midwestern accent, the hiking boots I wore everyday made me 'different'). I spent almost every day at home, depressed, waiting for tomorrow, just in the hope that maybe it would be better. Then you know what happened? I discovered a talent I never know I had. "Tomorrow" as I had thought of it, came. I joined the school Debate team, and won all sorts of trophies, and medallions. Everyone was my best friend, because I was the best.You know what happened after I Graduated High school? Every one of those 'Friends' had ditched me, and began spreading vicious rumors about me while I was at Basic Combat Training over the summer. I went to college, and as 'weird' as I am, I found people I fit in with now. I have never felt so good about myself in my life. What I'm trying to say here is, as bad as it gets, you NEVER know what tomorrow will bring. My Tomorrows have brought me great happiness in loved ones, and great sadness when a girlfriend cheated on me, or a relative died. You NEVER know what tomorrow will bring. Sensing what will happen before it does? I will tell you now, you have no idea.I thought I found my 'tomorrow' when I was good at debate in High School. Now, I'm in a better tomorrow.All I can tell you is, I've been in a place a lot like you. I was 14, 15, 16, 17 and alone and depressed. I felt like a failure, and worthless. But I knew that I could never predict the future. Give it time, and I promise, things will get better. I can Promise things will be bad, too. But you'll never know if you don't wait to find out.

That's a good post, RainNightBlue!Jules, I think trying to be a different person from the way you really and properly are is always a mistake. It takes so much energy to maintain, and it doesn't give any satisfaction because it isn't the real you.

I deffinately see what you are saying RainNightBlue and it makes sense thanks. I'll give it time.

Just try not to get too discouraged. Some days will be worse than others, but in the long run, it will all smooth out.