What do you think of...?

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So, me and this girl... we talked about where it was we saw our relationship... okay, here is 'bout what came of it.She says that she finds me to be (in my words) relationship material, but that she does not want a relationship yet until we date more. She claims to have been hurt in the past... and feels the safest way to do this is to be more familiar with me before going into a relationship. She said that she just wants to make sure I will not bolt one month in and leave her hurt. (God, it makes me wonder what happened...) Anyway...She says that she wants to continue going on dates with me - exclusively. She says that she is fine with making out (exclusively) and all that sort of stuff if I am fine with it. Though, I told her I would probably not be fine going further than that outside of a relationship; she said that is understandable and fine.My only point of wonder then is... if this is not a relationship... what is it? We date exclusively. We are intimate (to a degree) exclusively. I mean... could she just have very different ideas of what a relationship is? We have been (and I assume will continue) holding hands and such. In my world, I would consider this to be at least indicative of boyfriend/girlfriend status. So, maybe she just views these words and their respective definitions differently. Or... and here is the pessimistic outlook: She told me this to switch me into 'win her over' mode hoping I will start buying her shitloads of things.Anyway, I will be talking to her about this later tomorrow and asking her these things (except for the last point, of course) and then where we stand should be good and clear . I just had to write this because I appreciate the advice of the folks around here, even on what may seem to be simplistic matters.LQ

I would say that to you, and probably to me and a lot of other people, they would consider "Stated Prolonged Exclusive Dating" to be boyfriend/girlfriend applicable. But what you mentioned is also very true. Definitions vary from person to person. But also know that people deviate from the standard sometimes, to protect their own interests. What I'm saying is, I would make sure that the reason she doesn't want to be the "girlfriend" isn't so she can run away awful fast if the going gets tough.Pain or not, bad experience or not, somethings are naturally risky. Dating is one of them. You cannot change the rules to suit yourself just in case, I say. You should make sure this girl is willing to devote to a relationship. If not, it may be best to move on? That's my advice.

It sounds like a relationship but she's scared and wants to take it slowly, it seems. If you pressure her she'll probably pull out.

But wouldn't it seem that, if she goes into the relationship reluctantly, she'll always have that reluctance? She needs to want the relationship herself. I agree she's prolly scared, but if she doesn't decide for herself, and does it more for convenience, or just because you want her to, she'll never feel part of a relationship. Just bothered until she pulls out anyway.Does that make sense? Or what does everyone else think?

Being scared and wanting to take it slow doesn't mean she is always going to be reluctant as you put it. After being hurt badly enough, many people keep their guard up until they know and trust a person.Learning what the other one is about is very important. AND trust is EARNED. Only time can do that.These two are on a good path, they are talking, and hopefully being totally honest with each other, that is a HUGE part of a good relationship.

Quote:After being hurt badly enough, many people keep their guard up until they know and trust a person ...and until that gard is dropped the person will then see that person in a new light. to the op > your going to have to let her have some time.. give her no reasons to dought in you. cuz i bet she's thinking of alot of them. and yea your going to have to prove to her that you like her for her and not for wutever reason she may think you do. i had that. i tried to make every excuse i could to why she liked me so much. i put up walls and told myself that she was going to one day dump me anyway so i shouldn't get too attached. i did that cuz i was scared i couldn't handle it if something did happen. i talk so many times about this with ineligible and the kicker was one night (day for him) when he told me to just let her love me. i'm not letting this girl go (i hope she fills the same about me) but until i dropped my wall and put down that guard.... yea. now our relationship is better than it was (i think getting stronger too) and we even talk about future. hell used to when she talked about the future i would say stuff like yea.. if i'm alive.

Okay. I have only one bigger concern here. She said to me, in this same conversation, that "guys always bolt after the first month or so, and I want to make sure you aren't like that"From my end, it seems like, then, I am already entering this little trial with my head in the noose. I mean, she's already pegged out all guys as assholes, and it is as if I have to do work to make up for something I never did.Not that I am saying that I feel blamed. I just feel like I am already on her bad side. However, I know I often worry over nothing, and maybe this is nothing. So I come to ask if anyone would be able to tell me whether this is something, and whether it should be talked about with her.Thanks,LQ

Quote:she's already pegged out all guys as assholes if she has this in her head your going to have to prove her wrong.will you last over months? your not on her bad side. If you were she wouldn;t be giving you the time of day. you have to show her your into her and show her your not like the guys in her past. time & patients.

Good Point!

I know where she's coming from. You have to be very careful with her. It's good how you're taking it now. Just take it easy slow, kind of like best friends until she's completely comfortable with you so then you guys can be in an official relationship. Personally, I had been hurt my first time in a relationship and I thought to myself "never again". But the second one I was convinced but that relationship ended practically worse than the first one. At that point I was on the verge of becoming a nun or lesbian. Of course the latter was out of question for me lol... keep that on the DL. And I almost took on my "dad's" mindset about guys which is kind of scary... keep that on the DL too. But yeah I pretty much despised relationships along with guys. Not that I hated them but I just didn't want anything to do with them... socially. But this one guy, the one I'm with now is the must stubborn, relentless, and most persistent, and patient, and tolerant person I've ever met in my entire life. It's kind of ridiculous actually come to think of it. I thought of every excuse in the book but it just didn't work. I even got that little ghetto attitude I do sometimes. Usually guys... some guys run away after that and he thought it was "cute". Please. I think it was like...3-4 months before I finally gave in. Maybe more I don't know. It just takes time, depending on how badly you like her.oh and about her bashing of all guys and what not. don't worry it's natural. Most girls usually do that after bad relationships. Kind of a way of letting out steam I guess. I know I did lol.

I cannot believe her! So she comes online... and here is what goes down:First, I just tell her that the way we have defined our relationship is how I would define boyfriend/girlfriend, but that I was okay if she didn't want to use those words. She says she doesn't want to use those words... because...She tells me she is having 'second thoughts' because I am 'very dependent'She says the only reason she thinks I'm getting a job is because of her. For her to think so damned highly of herself!She thinks it's wrong that I am using government aid to go to school. Thinks it's bad that I feel the government owes its citizens an education.I tell her that my situation in life is because I am REALLY poor (my parents have never come even close to clearing the poverty line), after which she tells me that I have no 'ambition'.I tell her I need a job for my living expenses, and that the reason I didn't have one earlier is because I still had enough money saved up to pay for rent, etc. Then she tells me that that doesn't even matter, and that she doesn't have to work right now but she is anyway; as if I should have been slaving my ass off anyhow?And then... she thinks it's just awful that I would consider taking out a loan for school. I tried to explain that there are not many people who can work 60 hours a week AND go to school like she does; that it isn't quite fair for her to expect everyone to be like that.She says she can do it because she has 'ambition' (that damn A word again )I don't have diabetes, but I do have a family history, and I feel many of the symptoms (like extreme weakness) if I work too much. So, I can only put in shorter hours at not-so-physical jobs. She says 'diabetes does not stop you from sitting in a mcdonalds and cook burgers' I worked in a restaurant. It is HARD. and it is STRESSFUL. and it is DEMANDING. Then she says that she doesn't see me trying very hard to make anything for myself.Then she says she has to go... and I ask her if she even cares to see me any more. Her response 'not a fair question right now'. I say, 'so you are just gonna leave me hanging here?' She says she has to go... and logs out! Should I be as pissed off as I am? This girl seems like she turned out to be a real stuck up bitch; but maybe I am just wrong. Is this girl even worth my time?I had a job at home over the break, and I cut it short so I could start one back down where my school is at by her. God... was that just the biggest fucking mistake ever?oops... now she is back online.I told her that there is only so much a person can do to get out of poverty. She told me that she 'simply don't buy it'.I tried to ask her more questions. She didn't reply. I told her it was the end; that I wasn't going to wait for her reply.No... she is here now. Okay... So I asked her if a garbage truck driver would try harder and have more ambition, would he still end up a garbage truck driver?She told me no, and that is an answer I cannot live with. We mambled on some more about me taking out loans, and I told her I do not enjoy being in debt one bit. And I asked her if she still saw me as someone she would be in a relationship with. She said she wasn't sure.I told her I am not going to mope around waiting for her to decide if she will even date me, we exchanged farewells and logged out.Did I make a good decision? A bad one? What can I learn from this? Life F—ing sucks now!

umm... she doesn't really some all too nice if she can't even have a little bit of sympathy for you I mean dang. she sounds like my aunt.I agree with you though, not everything is that easy. and I understand how it can be hard for you. I can't really tell if she's "looking out for you" or really being cold and unsympathetic.

I agree.

I'm in the same position you are. I have college to pay for, loans to take out, jobs to work, and my parents are both nearing retirement without a penny to show for it.

Your 'girl' sounds like she has a severe reality problem: A "World revolves around me" complex. And I take that from the obvious fact you've proven you have no money, yet she believes you're getting a job for her. (Who in their right mind would get a job if they didn't have to?)

I would say you're better off without her. There are somewhere around 3 billion women in the world. I think you'll be safe trying again. I doubt you'll run out of potential girlfriends.

Don't let this eat you up. If you don't feel like you're hot stuff, then people won't think you are. Obviously this had nothing to do with yourself, and you should be proud of yourself for doing what you could. Don't feel bad about losing this girl. Feel good about it. At least you're better off knowing she's "bitchy" now, than part way into a relationship.

I should have known she wasn't good for me when she told me she wouldn't eat anything purchased from Wal-Mart.I should have some coffee... and enjoy this nice TV of hers that she's moved in I hope her mansion doesn't miss it

Doesn't so und like you guys are meant for each other at all.

> I don't have diabetes, but I do have a family history, and I feel many of the symptoms (like extreme weakness) if I work too much. So, I can only put in shorter hours at not-so-physical job

Sorry, but you either have diabetes or you don't. I severely doubt that you can only work short hours at a not-so-physical job. I'll side with your (ex)-girlfriend on this one

If I get diagnosed I won't be allowed to do anything. I had seizure issues once, and I was prevented from doing all sorts of things at my school. And I can work... but I need breaks. Where I work now, I need to get some soda every hour or so, or my limbs start feeling numb and heavy.Anyway... That is that. I guess I don't need to justify myself Thanks for listening to yet another of my failed relationship attempts everyone

If I get diagnosed I won't be allowed to do anythingWhat are you talking about? Why won't yuobe allowed to do anything?How do you think every diabetic in the world acts? You think they all sit around and do nothing?Besides, you don't even have diabetes. And I doubt your numb and heavy limbs have anything to do with diabetes. That dosen't even sound like a sympton for low blood sugar at all.But hey, beleive whatever you want to believe. What do I know?

Quote:she wouldn't eat anything purchased from Wal-MartThat does sound snobbish!

Originally Posted By: Ineligible Quote:she wouldn't eat anything purchased from Wal-MartThat does sound snobbish! Oh I dunno, I hate Walmart for their immoral employee practices. However, I won't shun things already bought and paid for, nor will I make much a judgment if Walmart is the only store that has what I need, considering necessity the driving force of my purchase.

"Did I make a good decision? A bad one? What can I learn from this?"Yes, you did the right thing. Count yourself lucky, cause this chick has no concept of reality. Your far better off being rid of her. Most people struggling to better themselves react poorly to negative criticize. It seldom does anything to motivate a person, generally it will have the opposite effect. So, even if this chick's intentions were good, that is what she doesn't get. Someone who will provide positive reinforcement is far more helpful to someone in your situation. There is a big difference between telling someone to get off their butt because you want to see them succeed and telling someone to get off their butt because you think they lack ambition and just want to be sponge.As for the Wal-mart thing, I avoid it like the plague as well but that is my own moral decision, do to their business practices, not because I think I'm to good for a store of their caliber.