Well I am going out with this girl, and she is a year older than me, and then there is this guy, who is her really close friend, and they like always are hanging out, and they are always talking to each other and stuff. I will try to describe him. He is quite feminine, he has close to no guy friends, and many female friends. Every time he sees any of them, he runs up in a feminine way and hugs them for extended periods of time. Pretty much everything he does is slightly feminine, but he is NOT gay. My problem is that he seems to be intruding on my girl friend (lets call her "Jess"). For example, the other day was supposedly "touch your friends inappropriately day", and so I walk up behind them, and see him like groping her side, and I just kinda intruded on them. So we were just walking along and I just like pretended like nothing ever happened. Also, the next day our school held our annual "Schools almost over" dance, where everyone dresses up in funky costume. So basically we took a bus there, and I sat next to "jess" in the corner, and we kinda got a little close, then all of a sudden, this guy lets call him "drew" starts getting closer to her and like leans back on her. At this point I just wanted to shove him off and be like "Get the hell off of my girlfriend", but the thing is that if I did that, then everything would have gotten messed up, because I am supposedly "friends" with "drew", and if I were to say anything offensive to him, then "jess" would possibly break up with me, and I DO NOT want that to happen because I love her so much. Also, at the dance, we were having really fun, but he kept dancing and getting close to her when we were dancing, and kinda trying to push me out of the way. The thing that throws me off is that whenever we are alone, we make out, and hold hands and stuff, but things are sooo different when he is around. Another thing is that tonight there was our spring concert for school and the orchestra was playing last, and I am in chorus, and she is in band, and so I was up in the bleachers, waiting for her to come up on them after performing, but "drew" was sitting right behind me. So she finally appears and I call her over to climb up the bleachers and I scoot over to make room for her, and so she climbs up, and then goes right up to "drew" and gives him a hug, and then he kind of opens his legs, and she sits between them for a few minutes while he plays with her hair and hugs her and stuff. I was just sitting there kind of in shock that she went to him first, and so I turn around, and he is staring right at me, and I give him this dirty look, and he just kinda of giggles, and continues to touch her. Finally after that, she comes down and sits next to me, and pretends like nothing ever happened. I really don't want to have him doing this stuff to her anymore, because I admit I get jealous, but still, she is my girlfriend, not his, even though they are really close friends.From a girls point of view, how would you prefer your boyfriend to come up to you and talk to you about a situation like this???Thanks.
Girl's Input is Highly Appreciated
wow... to be honest it sounds like she is HIS girlfriend. Not yours. You need to speak to her about that because it really sounds like it's bothering you. It shouldn't be an issue. I think you should just be upfront with her. Don't be rude or mean but just tell her how you feel about it. To be honest that's kind of messed up. I love my guy friends and I'm really comfortable with them in a brother/sister way but I wouldn't act like that with my boyfriend around so.... I don't know what her prob is but you need to hop on that really quickly.
Put your foot down. There are boundaries. It's not a matter of "he's just a friend", he's massively over stepping the friendship line. Especially considering he's not gay, and it appears he has a thing for your girlfriend.
Talk to her first, tell her what's up. Do it nicely, tell her that you really care for her, that seeing that stuff makes you uncomfortable, and that it's simply not right. Flip the situation around, what if some chick started fondling your hair whilst you sat between her legs? They can still certainly be friends and hang out together, but tell her to hold back on the physical stuff.
I'd probably go the more direct approach though, if some smug ass touched my girlfriend that way I'd give him a very loud verbal warning, then break his nose if he did it again.
Thanks for your input.I have decided that I am going to sit down with her, and tell her that I can't continue in the relationship (as much as I want to) if she is being more physical with him than me.It is going to be tough, but I will try to make it as affirmative as I can.
If that's really what females do, then that's fucked up
That is what some females do... and it is fucked up. It never worked on me because I refused to play the petty games nor did I have the patients for the drama. If they were gonna be like that I did need 'em and let 'em know I wasn't going to put up with it... and that's what the OP needs to do.
Hmm.From a girl's perspective?He's a possessive friend.You know how in wolf packs, there's an alpha male and an alpha female?It sounds like "Drew" seems to think that he's the alpha male, and you're putting his status with the alpha female, "Jess", in danger. He's suspicious, paranoid, and doubtful. My best friend, let's call her "Noel," is the same way when it comes to her guy friends, and also me.The funny thing is, she's completely straight. Not only this, but she's like a sister.Could it be that he's like a brother to "Jess"?I don't know, I think that the next time you're alone with her, instead of making out, hug her, hold her hand, look her in the eye, and express how you feel. She might not realize she's doing this. And if she /does/ realize it, you should move on, because honestly ... she's not worth it. You sound like a supersweet, sensitive guy. There's the perfect girl out there, but by staying with this one, who treats you poorly around her friends ... you're not getting the chance to meet her.All the best,Kat
Originally Posted By: Kattikins
Could it be that he's like a brother to "Jess"?
Nail > Head
That's what it sounds like to me. But with a twist.
I know a lot of guys who work like this. They put on an effeminate voice, act really camp and soft.
Girls in turn feel non-threatened by guys like this, and feel they can open up to them more. This in fact makes them vulnerable. The guy can learn all of her weaknesses and exploit them, and be there to comfort her afterwards.
They do it in an attempt to get her to like him as more than a friend. It rarely works, however as they do become like a sister or best friend to the girl.
I think as long as she's not getting intimately physical (i.e. prolonged eye contact, kissing, intimate groping) and they're not whispering sweet nothings to each other you *should* be ok - but you should still mention that you're uncomfortable about how close she is to him.
Be careful though. I have known of these sorts of guys to act like kissing or other "practice" buddies. As the girl doesn't feel threatened by the guy, they will let the guy "practice" kissing (and even fingering!) her and then he gives feedback on how she can improve.
I'm not trying to make you suspicious - just aware.
You might even wanna speak to him, but try and keep respect into the equation. Don't go in all guns-a-blazing and have a go at him. Just quietly mention that you're uncomfortable with how physical he gets with her and could he back off.
*sorry didn't realise this was 3 weeks old*