This is going to be very tough for me to even type and I don't even know if I'll feel comfortable discussing it. Some of you know my situation from my other posts. I'll start with my social life. I don't really have any friends. Like I have people who might rarely want to hang out, but for most of the days they either pretend to be busy or have made plans. It fucking hurts. It hurts to think that not one person would want to hang out with me. This alone is enough to make me depressed never mind my family situation. In September of last year my parents got divorced. I ended up staying with my dad and sister in the bigger house where we lived and my mom left to go be with her old boyfriend from high school in a small apartment. I only see my mom for 2 days every 2 weeks and when we do see each other we're always fighting about the smallest things. I feel sick whenever we fight. I'm disgusted with myself. I resent my mom for leaving my dad but at the same time I know it was the right thing to do. It just tears me apart because we used to be so close. Most of you know about my dad. He's a loose cannon all the time and he's even been on medication for it for the past 5 years. He just has problems no therapist or medication can fix. His anger has just been ingrained into his personality. I find he takes most of it out on me because we're together most of the time. I really don't even feel wanted anymore by people in my school and by my family at home. It drives me insane every single night being alone in my room trying to find one thing to do, one person to call, one person to talk to. I come to the cold reality each time that no one is there. Well last night pushed me over the edge. I finally had enough and got a belt out of my drawer and went over to the pull up bar in my room and got up on an amp and wrapped it around my neck and the bar. I stood there on the amp contemplating whether or not to do it. I closed my eyes thinking I would see God or see anyone and it was just blackness. With my eyes closed I stepped off the amp and began to hang there. I felt the blood getting strangled in my brain and I began to lose consciousness after a minute. I woke up on the floor of my room the next morning. I looked around and I saw the belt had snapped after I had gone out and I had fallen to the floor. I was relieved but at the same time scared that I actually almost died. I'm thankful I didn't die, I feel there is a lot more I need to do. I just don't know where to go from here. I don't know how to deal with the next few years of having no friends.
-
I almost died last night
-
I'm just mad at my mom for leaving my dad when me and my sister are almost out of the house. I'm 15 and she's going to college in a few days. We just fight over that and then I feel bad because no one ever wanted this to come about it but it did anyway. I don't really argue with my friends over anything. Ever since I moved I haven't really had any friends and the relationships I used to have are slowly falling apart. I don't wanna go through high school without friends. How am I suppose to go to prom if I don't even have a friend to go with never mind a girl?
-
Sure, I'm gonna go now and take this out on some weights at the YMCA. I'll be on later tonight though.
-
cool, im sorry to hear about your situation. but killing yourself is not the answer. god works in mysterious ways. although he did not show himself to you, although you were soooo close to death, he still saved you. if you dont mind, i'd like to tell you a story about my suicide attempt...for about 2 weeks straight (this was almost 3 years ago) i was so stressed over everything in life, my gang, my friends, the fact that i lacked a true love in my life. EVERYTHING! it was customary for our higher level gang members to carry guns, and i had one myself. for those two weeks, everytime i'd be stressed, id go to my room, grab my gun and pull the trigger. it was loaded, but the safety was always on. i did this straight for 2 weeks, and one morning i wake up to my mothers yelling, i grabbed the gun, switched off the safety, and held the gun to my temple.i did alot of the same you did, sat there eyes closed, hoping to see god or something similar to that. but nothing. so i got close to pulling the trigger, and pressed it firmly, when my cellphone rang and it was my friend, telling me to get my ass over there and smoke with him. so i threw the gun back under my bed, and left. the day was fine till i returned back, mom complaining and yelling at me, over insignificant shit. so i was frustrated and wanted to do what i had normally did. "pretend" to kill myself.i went up there, grabbed the gun, put it to my temple, and pulled the trigger. i heard the trigger hit the barrel, and i remembered i didnt put the safety back off. the bullet jammed in the cartridge of the gun midway...i dont know about you, or anyone else, but i do think that we are blessed. ive been shot at, nearly hundreds of times, and im a big target. yet never been shot. ive been in hundreds of knife fights, only stabbed once and it was on my hand.take count of your blessings cooldawg, we are all here for a reason. you just need to find yours. much love -Kid
-
Wow guys.. I feel so bad.....I have never been in that situation. I just can't fathem being in place...
-
Thats crazy. Let me tell you that I am SO glad you are here!!
I hope things get better for you and know that I am always here for you if you need to talk.
-
Oh my goodness that brought tears to my eyesI can
t say to you that i know what you going through but i have contemplated suicide and i have come to realise that taking my life is not going to solve my problems.So am saying to you please don
t do that again cause you were lucky,stop blaming yourself for what is happening or whatever it is that might be going on in your life and know that everything happens for a reason.If you want to talk personally you may PM me,am always here whenever am not working.I want you to know that i will keep you in my prayers.Please take care of your self. -
I'm so glad you didn't die, cooldawg. Please, please, please let someone know if you feel like that again.There are many people here who know how you feel. And thank you, GrownPastMyYears, for telling us that.
-
Aww, boo... I've been in your situation many times. A couple of months ago I'd say maybe around March or so I made 3 to 5 attempts to commit suicide. Hanger, pills, knife (didn't have the guts), bridge, and car. I shutter just thinking about how dark those times were but each time I did it something inconvenient happened. You wouldn't believe. I was at my lowest point at that time. And I really just wanted to die. Everything was going wrong. I felt so ashamed to talk to my mother and with that I felt like I couldn't talk to God. I just kept saying God where are you why did you leave me? I felt so lonely and helpless and I felt I can't even describe it. But something happened to me that I really didn't expect nor was I ready for. It was just.. I can't describe it. I mean I can but I'd have to tell you in a PM so I don't get flamed on this thread. But long story short, God just told me that He never left me and that He should be the first person I seek in my times of trouble and need. I didn't realize how much it hurt Him to see me hurting this way. The pain in my heart was unbearable. I felt like I had no family like there was nothing left and that was too overwhelming for me. And I wanted to end it. But God just said it's not your time. No wonder the things that happened did.Divorce has to be one of the most selfish and horrible things to go through. But you're right it's needed. I found out so many things that I had been lied to about all my life. By right I should hate everyone in my family but I can't. You have to forgive. It takes so long to forgive but it's a must. I know God is going to help you get through this because he has big plans for your life. Stay strong.
-
Thank you all so much for your help and support :). Especially you, Abi and GPMY. I'll make sure to talk to you guys whenever I'm having problems.