Hi every1...I posted here a while back probably about 6 months ago, i told every1 here what happened. How my girlfriend i loved cheated on me, how i was feeling really hurt and confused. I may not feel as hurt as, i did anymore. But I was unable to get a grip on my life. I know this may sound pathetic, but ive fallen farther down then i ever have before in my life.After I caught her cheating was angry at her, and very hurt. I trusted this girl, and she betrayed me. I always had a hard time trusting girls, since my mother gave me up for adoption when i was a kid, and i grew up in a orphanage. I am 19 years old now.AFter we broke up i was struggling, i was drinking alot, and going out to try and forget her. But it didnt help, no matter how much i drank and partied, not a day went by that i didnt think of Alyssa(ex). There was a girl i met at work, she was cute, and i asked her to go to the movies. I dont know if i wanted a date or what i wanted, but i took her to the movie and then home. 1 week later i was drinking at my condo, with my roomate. And i get a text from her. She was like "hey whats up, Im really drunk".....I dont know what came over me but i texted "hey wanna f*ck" and she responded with an.."okay pick me up". So i went to her place, picked her up drove back to my place. Took 4 more shots of vodka and then took her to my room. WE had sex...probably the worst sex of my life, because i was having erection problems..I kept thinking about my ex, and also...i discovered that having sex with some1 you dont love, or like...is not a fun experience at all. She didnt seem, to mind it at all and so we had sex, and i was allowed to finish in her mouth...we dint use a condom. The next morning i woke up with her, it was a horrible feeling, i felt insecure, and guilty that i just had sex with this girl to because i was still hurting over my ex..I barely spoke to her then i took her home. I did not contact her for about a week. At this time in my life..I started to smoke weed...when i was dating Alyssa and even before then, i never smoked cigs, or weed...but now i smoke pot every week, and cigs everyday. About 2 weeks after i the whole hook up inccident, I was at my place with my roommate and that girl texted me.."I missed my period, im late". I was freaking out, i could not believe this...I dont even like this girl and she might be pregnant. I am mixed half white, and half Japanese. I dont know why i did this but i told her "Im going back to japan, next week..Im not a U.S.A. citizen, do u believe in abortion. Looking back this is the most asshole ish thing i have ever done in my life. She told me she does not believe in abortions, and she wanted the baby to have a father. I did not respond...2 weeks later she texted me and told me she got her period. And that was the last i ever heard from her. Again i know this was a horrible thing i did. Shortly after, my roommate let a man named Mike stay at our place, he said he needed a week or 2 to find work and then he would move. He was from texas. At first i was okay with it, i was like yah sure. What i did not know was that Mike would soon be one of the biggest drug dealers in my city, and i would become his driver. At first he offered me to smoke with him..I was not smoking weed at that time, but the feeling it gave me...how it helped me forget about my problems in the real world. I soon became a daily smoker and together..me and Mike consumed an O of weed a week...which is a huge zip lock bags worth. i never had to pay for any of it. After my work i would pick him up, he would drop off weed, and then we would go home and smoke. WE soon had a crew that i smoked with regularly and they became my friends. Although i liked to smoke because it helped me cope with my own problems. I could feel myself becoming empty and slowly loosing my mind. Mike would tell me that i had great potential as a smoker, how i could out smoke lots of people, how fast i was learning. At first i thought it was cool..i was becoming a good smoker and people could tell. Later on me and Mike tried a variety of different drugs..cocaine, ecstasy, mushrooms, and acid. It was at the time i did acid for the 1st and last time that i knew i could not be part of this drug world anymore, it was destroying my future. When i did acid i had what they call a "bad TRip" and basically went crazy...I punched a hole through my front window, broke out of the house in my boxers and ran down the street screaming..because my mind could not handle it. Shortly after my roommate moved back to texas...while it was just me and Mike in my condo now. I had to get out so i went to my parents and they found me a new place. I see mike about 1x a week now. And i still smoke weed occasionally when i see him and when i see some of my smoker friends. Although i am trying to get a better grip on my life, and things are getting better, i dont know why i come back to him.I am trying my best now to make a effort to not smoke any more, and loose contact with him. But still i feel so empty inside. When i was younger people said i was so full of life, and i had a lot of dreams. But now i feel as if i am empty, and i detest women more then ever. I want to know what true love feels like, i do not want to loose my mind and soul to drugs, again. I know this story is very long, and thank you very much if you took the time to sit and read it.
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Im loosing sight of soul, my life, my mind
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I never explained what happened that drove me over the edge. As some of you know i had a girlfriend of 2 years, I loved her a alot. Even though i did some horroble thing i repented and thought of myself as a changed man. I met her when i still lived at home, but when i moved out we only saw each other on weekends and sometimes on weekdays, because i have college, and work, full time. She had, school and softball. About the last month of our relationship, i could feel things were getting rocky, we were having less sex. And she was feeling distant from me. It was a Friday night, she told me she was going to hang out with her softball friends, so i said okay...just call me later an sleep over if you can. WEll mid night rolls up and still no call from her. Im at my friends frat, so i decide to get trashed, play some bp and have a good guys night. Next morning still no response. So I wake up, take a shower an decide to drive to her house, pick up some flowers and surprise her. When i got to her house there was a truck in her drive way, and i instantly had a bad feeling about it. I knock on her door and no answer. Finally i decide to look in the truck, at the tittle to find out who's truck it was....i had a gut feeling something was wrong. When i read the tittle, it said Adam,..Adam is her ex bf and and some1 i used to chill with. Instantly i think to myself she is cheating so i call and i call her...no pick up. I drive to my friend who lives 1 street down from her, hoping he might be able to help me see whats going on. But when i get there his parents say he is asleep, and still hung over so i could talk to him. As i am leaving the neighborhood, i see that truck pass by and our eyes meet...me and Adam. WE both pull up to her driveway, and instantly he get out of his car and starts cussing at me. I get out also...im really pissed so i pull a bat from my car. He proceeds to get a gold club from his car. Just as we walk up to each other and about to fight, alyssa runs out of the house crying and runs to me hugs me and tells me to put the bat down. So i put the bat down. Adam then proceeds to hit me in the leg wit the club, after i had already put my bat down. I go ape shit on him take the club away from him, knock him down and proceeded to bash his face in with my fist. AFter i punched him a good 20x in the face, he crawed to his car, and drove away. At this point i start running to my car, because i am so hurt, and i can not face alyssa. She runs to me and begs me to come inside and talk, so i said okay. In her house she told me that her parents were out of town and he slept over, she told me they did not have sex and she felt so bad she slept on the floor that night. I tell her I am willing to work with her. I messed up in the past, but i am different, and i am willing to work with her through anything. SHe tells me she wants a break for a month, but she still loves me and we will be together after that break, so she can find herself. I said if your serous you will work out this relationship...not run away and try to take a break, so i walk to the door of her bedroom to leave the house. She ran up behind me and held on to me...told me how much she loved me, started crying, told me all she wanted was a break. I look at her trash can by the door and i saw a used Condom....i knew it wasnt mine, and pointed it out, at this point she really starts crying and tells me she is very sorry. I tell her im going home and i will talk to her later, she says she wants to work things out..I get home i text her the cext day no response, i call her...voice mail. I check her myspace 2 days later ..Adam is her #1 and i see a message from her and a friend. She said "Hey is it cool if i bring my new bf to your party tonight?" she never responded to me. I take it she left me for him and played with my mind all this time.
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I must say that was quite the essay! I had to get a notepad to jot things down so I wouldn't forget! But it's good you wrote it down, sometimes a fresh perspective is good. I'm going to reply in the order you wrote things down in. Here I go, before you start reading...smile, now keep reading!Your girlfriend cheating on you sucked, I understand from what you wrote that getting together with her in the first place must have been hard. Was this your first go at a more serious relationship (the fact that you guys engaged in sex seemed like it)? Take the good things you learned from this and apply them in the future. Also, but don't overanalyse this, try to see what went wrong so that maybe you could avoid it forthcoming relationships. Keep smiling...Mike. Oh my gosh, get rid of him. Drugs are a downward spiral. Good for you for moving out but really try to cut him out alltogether, I know you said you have, but really, try harder. Once a week is too often. You should plan never to see him for the rest of your life again by Christmas. He is trouble waiting to happen. You say you weren't paying for the drugs, well, one day when this guy is low on cash he'll start asking you for money and then you'll be, excuse the languge, screwdoodled. You call these smokers your buddies, they are not. They are people you get high with. You can do so much better. Yes, you acted like quite the bum about the abortion situation. So watch yourself in future. And practice safe sex. That's mighty important! Sex is fun , with protection (unless, you want to get pregnant). So is bunjee jumping, but with ropes.You can't say you detest women! That's completely not fair! I hope you're still smiling..The final thing...true love. There's only one way to get it - patience!Hope I could have been of a teeny-tiny little bit of help. ''When we love, it isn't because the person's perfect, it's because we learn to see an imperfect person perfectly.''smiles
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Sunshine Baby...I AM SMILING...thanks for that great reply I am trying my hardest not to go back to those people, and those things. Yes this was my 1st looong term relationship...before her all i did was play around, but she made me settle down, now playing around isnt even fun for me anymore...it all seams pointless. Yes love is a wonderful thing, but i feel like i've given up on love
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That's crazy what she did to you.. holy. But you can only move forward from here. Drugs are definetly not the answer to your problems and I'm happy that you see that now. Look into your future and find some goals that you would like to achieve and work towards those.Good luck!
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OMg...its 3am ...i just got home, i went to the hottest night club in AZ...called E4, it was the shit i got laid, picked up like 3 numbers and im super wasted...i think my recovery process is going well right'? i mean i got my dick wet, i had sex, what can be better right? ...WRONG fuck i had sex again, and all i could think about was alyssa...what the fuck is wrong with me i hate this shit, i really do,..all these girls are meaningless to me
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maybe you need to take drugs and alcohol away from your lifestyle completely.
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No no no, you're taking steps in the wrong direction - you're going backwards. For you, having sex with people you don't know seems like an horrible ordeal, it makes you feel awful and gets you completely hung up on Alyssa. To move forward, you need to stop thinking about her. I appreciate that this is going to be hard but there is really no other way. Having sex with random strangers is, under no circumstances the answer for you. Also, I hope you used protection this time...consequences. Now breathe..smile..keep reading..I agree with Stephanie that you should cut out the alcohol and drugs, they are only making things worse. Next time you have the opportunity to get intoxicated, remember just how awful you feel now. Better yet, print this page and just before you take that first sip, read the post you wrote when you got home.Getting over some one is never easy, it never was and it never will be. But right now you really need to sit down and re-evaluate what you're doing to yourself because you are being so self-destructive."I’m going to smile and make you think I’m happy, I’m going to laugh, so you don’t see me cry, I’m going to let you go in style, and even if it kills me- I’m going to smile."smiles
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I didnt do drugs or anything last night, i just pregamed, it and went to the club. Still the empty feeling its so unsatisfying having sex with a girl i dont even like. I dont know how some people can hook up, all the time. It makes me feel dirty
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Drugs really change a person. Stopping will really change your life.
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I've been sober of weed for about 1 week now, and i must say i feel a lot better. Of course i still drink every week..but that a must do cause I'm in college and every1 drinks.. its like breathing.