Depression

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Depression has really been weighing on me lately. My doc upped my Celexa (I think that's what it is) the last time I went to see her, about a month ago. It doesn't seem to have made any difference.It's the same ole shit from me... so you may not want to read. I'm just fuckin' board with life. I miss, sooo much, the possibility of youth. Everything now is just cut and dry and I know what every day and every week and every year is going to hold. I'm just seriously down.I see no way to get to the life I want from where I'm at. Worse yet I don't even really know the life I want. ...Yes I do. I want to not know what tomorrow hold. I want to go back to the possibility that, yes I may be able to achieve this or that.I miss having friends. I have friends, cousins, but I can't keep up with 'em. They've all got money to travel and only work to keep busy when their home. Even when they are home I have responsibilities that preclude me from doing shit with 'em. They're all single and the shit they're doing usually involves chasing tail. Even if I went with them, what am I going to do sit there and say, "Sorry I can't dance. I'm married." or if my wife goes it's not exactly like I can talk about the hottie over there that their all drooling over.I want to go back to school but that's not an option right now and even if it where I think I would be going back for the wrong reasons.I feel like shit for saying this and feeling this way but I'm sick of being married. I'm not sick of my wife and don't want anyone else. I'm just sick of being married. It just seems like the zest of life disappeared. I feel like there is no "me" left anymore.I know I can't go back to my irresponsible youth and don't really want to. But a little of that would be nice every once in a while.I just miss possibility.I miss those question marks. It used to be, "Am I going to get any tonight?" Now it's not a question, if I want it, it's there and can be tied up and hung from the ceiling if I want.Don't get me wrong it's not about sex, not in the least. It's about not knowing what the night might hold. I hate, hate, hate, sitting at home waiting to die. That's when I feel like running my car off the road into a nice big tree. I don't want to live like this. It's not worth the effort... but I've got a couple people who depend on me and care about me so I can't check out.Is this life? Is it really this dull? Is it just me?I'm only 34 I'm not ready to be this board with life yet. The future just looks more and more bereft of hope, let alone excitement.All these feelings do is feed my self-loathing and hate of everything.I'm tired of this but I don't think it's going to change.

It sounds like you want more excitement and adventure. If you don't like being married... don't be. It really is as simple as that. You might not think about it that way because when you are depressed, everyone thinks things out too much. It seems like you know the road to being happier. Get out of marriage if it isn't making you happy. If you can't be yourself in this marriage then why are you in it? That seems a little absurd to me. Don't worry what anyone else thinks. Make YOU happy. You have one life to live. ONE LIFE. Make yourself happy. Ask yourself what makes you happy, and make a plan to be happy. Sorry if I am rambling, I just have been through my fair share and that is what I have learned. Talk to your wife about this. If you married her and you are certain you don't want anyone else, then you should be able to talk to her. Let her know how you are feeling. You need to be honest with everyone and with yourself. I know I'm only 19 and saying this, but that is what I feel about your situation. Please don't look at this message and say whatever, he doesn't understand, he's 19. But truly and honestly, I think there is one way to look at it. You have one life to live. You have one chance to enjoy your life. Do the things that make you enjoy it. You may have to go through shit to get there, but happiness isn't easy to come by.

Originally Posted By: OldFolks

Is this life? Is it really this dull? Is it just me?

You arent the only one with those questions. I have the same questions too.

I often sit in my chair with a blade kept on my wrist or a bottle filled with sleeping pills, I can cut anytime I want or take the pills but I just cant do it cos I got some responsibility towards some loved ones.

I often smile, make jokes and fool around to make others smile and laugh but there's this emptiness always inside me. You have your wife but I dont even have that--well I dont mean I want a wife, I am girl :grin:..........living without a husband and without having sex.

You have friends, I dont have any except my BF.
You have a car, I dont have a car--well not to slam into a tree but just to drive around with my dog looking out the window with its tongue out.

I cant go out and have fun, no parties, no dancing, nothing at all as I dont have any friends. And I dont have any brothers/sisters of my own.

I am very much alone....always....but I am trying to live with it. My bf takes me out only once in a year which in itself is a big deal for him. I never recieve any gifts from anyone and no one wishes me happy birthday either :frowning: no flowers, no cards.....no romance at all from my bf. I lied about something in one of my posts when I first joined this forum--you had posted on it so you know which one it is--the girl's story I related and askd for your opinions if its was rape or not--that girl is not my friend--that girl is me.

So you see life can be dull, for others too, maybe even worse. So snap out of your depression ASAP.

I'm very sorry to hear this, Saya. Thank you for letting us know.Can you get out by yourself and do things?

Thanks for your response Saya. For myself, I'm feeling better now. I just get bouts with deep depression and when I do I write about it and that generally helps. I didn't expect any response, I've written virtually the same thing many times before. It was written for me and the questions are for the most part rhetorical. I do wonder how to get possibility back in my life but it's not the big point of depression it was.I understand, to a degree, where your coming from. Most of the friends I have, that I actually speak to more than just once in while, are on this site. My friends in real life are just somewhere on the periphery. We wave at each other when we drive by that's about it. That's not much of a friendship. The people I talk to and share with are mostly right here. Stick around you might make some really good friends here. People you can share with, people you can talk to. I realize we're a poor substitute for a warm body with a real face but speaking from experience I know how much having someone to talk to, even on the computer, can mean to lifting your spirits. Hang in there and don't be afraid to share your feeling here and lean on us when you need it.What is that restricts you from going out? Tell us when your birthday is and you'll damn sure get birthday wishes here.

I am fine and thanks for your concern Its a little hard for me to go by myself and do things right now ....after I get a car I will be able to have some fun.

I have seen most of your posts and felt concerned cos my "Old" friend gets depressed of and on. I am SE asian and half my life is spent in ME. I speak english, hindi and persian very fluently but other languages as well. Hope you can work the clues. I am gonna stick around here....... I like this place a lot, it does lift my spirit and helps me.I have phobia of crowded places, I dont go out until someone accompanies me or I get panic attacks Thanks alot Scotty....you can also count on me for any support you need My b'day is on Dec 29.