I don't know what to think about my marriage anymore, things seem different.First off don't tell me to go talk to her. She's old school and that means when a man wants to "talk about the relationship" he wants to break up and when a woman wants to "talk about the relationship" it means she want reassurance and validation. I'm 35 and in Oklahoma and the only time men of my generation are aloud to talk about the relationship in this area is when they're in the middle of a break-up. Beside that stupidity, and more to the point she's not the talky type and she'll just assume the worst.We barely speak anymore, when we do though we're generally pleasant and not argumentative. In the evenings we retire to our separate rooms where she works on her stuff and where I work on my stuff and watch t.v. The weekends it's the same thing. This weekend we said maybe 30 words to each other... all weekend. We've never been chatty but now it feels different like we're distant. I don't know what to make of it.Saturday night has always been out night out, most of the time nothing big just getting out of the house, at least going to eat. For the past month or two, maybe three, she's stopped wanting to do that. I get the "I'm not hungry right now, maybe later." thing. Then later never comes and I go get something by myself... then I come back and see she's eaten something at the house.My reaction may be different to that if we saw each other more than just when we got home or when we go to bed. However, given that's the entire nature of our contact, when she says she doesn't want to go out I feel like she's saying she doesn't want to go out with me... maybe she is. It's like we do noting but walk around in the same house. What's that ole country song "...just a ghost in this house." that's me, or her, or us. In the past two months, except for Christmas, we've probably seen each other a total of just a few hours.We've gone to the movies we've gone out to eat and had a great time then, but when we get back home it's right back to the same disconnected life. Now she doesn't even want to go out. That's been our Saturday night thing for so long I don't know what to make of it.I've gotten where I dread the weekend anymore. It seems like she gets pissed if I go somewhere by myself but she doesn't want to leave. When I say "she gets pissed" I mean that female thing where you ask 'em "What's wrong?" and they respond by blowing you off and quipping "Nothing." You ask again later and they get more aggravated so you just go off somewhere to not be around 'em. That kind of pissed.I love my wife and don't want my marriage to end but I don't want to go on with somebody who's unhappy with the life we have together either... or whatever her problem is.I feel like it's the beginning of the end. It's like I'm almost to the top of the hill on the roller coaster about ready to go over.Life sucks...
Is my marriage over?
Scotty... Okay so I'm going to say what you told us not to say... but you need to talk with her. Sit her down and tell her how much you love her and how you feel you both have become disconnected and the last thing you want is to lose her. Screw the whole "men of my generation" stuff.. I get it! But nothing can be solved and corrected without talking. If you don't talk and work out the issues all you'll end up doing is sugar coating the issue, but eventually the coating wears off.I wish babe there was more I can say to make this better, but I’m a firm believer that unless you talk it out nothing truly gets resolved.I’m here for ya if you need me, hope you know that!! HUG
I really doubt she would talk. I have enough problem doing that. Then when you have two people who don't talk not much progress gets made.She may listen and tear up but that would be about it.Does it sound like we're starting to separate to you?
Honestly sounds like there is definitely some distancing going on. It might not even be anything to do with you; she might be going through her own personal battle right now. Though I truly feel that’s why there needs to be open communication because if it is something personal she’s going through you might be able to help, or at least would let you know that it’s nothing to do with you.Maybe even a letter would help. Write how you are feeling and let her know how much this distancing is hurting you and how much you miss how things used to be. Let me know you are willing to do what you have to to make it work. I know I personally am not good when talking in person, but I can put more depth into my words.
You NEED to sit down and talk to her and put EVERYTHING on the table.. tell her how you feel about her and your relationship all together. Talking about Feeeeeeeelings is very important but can sometimes be very, very difficult.
Maybe it would be better if you made a list of some of the things that are bothering you and that you'd like to discuss with her... just so you can use it as a reference.. or go over it a few times before you have the chat.
If this doesnt work.. I would highly recommend counseling (SP?). I know it sounds kinda foolish but it really does help in situations like this.
Maybe even going away on a romantic vacation will help rekindle the relationship.
ALSO, buying her flowers randomly, or sending them to her work would be really nice:) Ive spoken to like 5 girls this week who have said they wished their boyfriends/husbands would buy them flowers more often.
Hope this helped.
She wouldn't go for counseling and my placid tone belies my enmity, right now. If she does in fact not wish to be with me, while I'll be much more than simply stricken and aggrieved, I don't wish to, through any overtly demonstrative deed, coerce her to stay.I have no problem going away and neither does she. In fact when we are away things couldn't be better. The problems lie at home and don't seem to be assuaged by the temporary reprieve of travel. And, for all this maybe there is no problem. I am, after all, the one with the issue laden psyche. It may be that I'm simply over sensitive to meaningless impressions right now.Things do feel different though.
Scotty, have you considered that she might be depressed?What would happen if you joined her while she was working on her stuff?
I have to say i have to agree, there needs to be some conversation happening, she might be feeling exactly as you are but not know how to deal with things.....
its fine for two people to live in the same house and do their own things AS LONG AS they come together at some point and enjoy it...
I really hope you can both sit and speak about it, is it not worth a try at least, what is there to lose?
*cuddles* im here if you need me darlin
Well last night she was all lovey and everything. In as non-confrontational a manner as I could manage I told her I didn't like not being around each other on the weekends and I asked if somethings been wrong. She said, "no" but it's not the weekend either, so we'll see what the next few weekends hold. I don't know, it may be my own dysfunction like I said earlier. In which case, I need to reserve my feelings and not be getting angry with her and dissociating myself from her.
I'm not a person to play games with. If she doesn't want me, fine. I'll be hurt but I'm not the type to pine for or cry over anyone. If you don't want me, I don't want to be around you.
I don't know whether it's her, my dysfunction and depression or what. I'm gonna give her a chance and not pull away just yet. Typically when this kind of stuff has happened in other relationships, I turn to a very cold person and just walk away. I guess I just figure if your going to treat me like that I don't need you. I'm fighting the urge to "just walk away" this time, mostly because I do love her and because I don't know what the problem is... if there is one anywhere other than in my mind.
How would you react if someone treated you like that? It would be a miss-truth if I said it didn't hurt a little but more than that I just get mad and say, "To hell with ya, I don't need ya." That's my history anyway, I'm trying not to do that this time though... even though I'm not willing to fight for someone who doesn't want to be around me.
I don't know. I'm rambling and it's probably in my head, at least for the most part, anyway.
I fucking feel for ya.
Now keep in mind I only read your original post, not the rest of the thread.
I hate that talking shit as well, I will do it when needed, but I hate to, and it always feels like its the end of it instead of the beginning of something better.
so fuck the talk and speculation, I have something better, but not a cure all be all end all.
Its a good time for year for this shit.
Saturday is valentines.
plan something, anything that keeps you from home, and don't tell her about it.
Get a motel room someplace a few hours off, hell an hour away si more than good enough. take her out dancing, dinner, a movie, a bar, an anything.
Your on your own for that one, I have no clue what it is she likes.
Its preferred that you do shit she likes and that you do not especially care for or engage in very often.
Dinner is always needed, after that the options are open.
Tell her you have a surprise saturday morning, that its already paid for and the money is spent and non refundable, never tell hr where your going, just pack her clothes put her ass in the car and go.
You said you have a good time when you do go out, so fucking go.
it may rekindle shit, it may not, at worst you go out have a good time and go back to life as normal sunday when ya go home. At best, you spend some time together, remind each other why you got together in the first place, and have a hotel room so no computers or separate rooms, your forced to spend time together, either out and about, or in your room.
Sometimes the pressures of life at home wear ya down, go forget that shit for a bit, see if it helps or starts something.
Nothing to lose, aside from money.
I've kinda come to a "bridge conclusion" that it's mostly in my head. My depression has been getting worse lately and that would have a great impact on my perceptions of reality. She's always been the way she is and so have I. I think I'm just more sensitive to it right now and looking for something to get pissed about.However, I shall leave the jury out on this matter.
How are things going now???
Things seem to be back to normal.. whatever the hell that is. They are better anyway. I think most of it was and is my own issues with life.