Lack of sex in relationship advice

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Hi All,

It's been YEARS since I posted on here, but glad to see the site is still up and running and been redone! I am seeking advice on my current relationship.

My girlfriend and I are having issues when it comes to our sexuality. Now, both of us are virgins. She wants to wait and that's fine with me. We dated for three years and had a decent "sex life" We would fool around all the time and it was great, it worked for us. Then we took a break for a year and recently got back together. However, she now pretty much has zero sex drive. She's just not interested in doing anything physical. She says that she wishes she wanted it more, but just doesn't. Her body is just never turned on. As you might imagine this is causing a LOT of tension for us because I am ALWAYS in the mood.

So, any advice on what we can do? Because it's really hurting the relationship, but we are at a loss.

Welcome back, Studcrumb. It's always good to see people return to the forums.

I looked back at some of your earlier posts and see that there is a related theme. If this is the same girl that you posted about 4 years ago, it seems as if she had libido issues then as well.

Female loss of libido is much more difficult to diagnose than male. It could have physical and/or psychological bases. Many can be ruled out because of your ages and history together. I'd start with the physical. Has she mentioned this to her doctor? It could be something as easy as hormone issues.

Among the psychological issues could be something like a fear the things will escalate and that you (remember that you are a guy after all) will need and want to get more sexually involved than she is ready for.

There is no easy answer on a bulletin board. I'd start with a trip to a gyno and begin eliminating causes for this problem. It's certainly not normal for a 22 year old woman to not have sexual urges. Certainly it would be causing a problem with your relationship and it will destroy it if left untreated.

The problem is that I don't think she feels it necessary to mention it to her doctor. She's told me that this is just normal for some people and that there's nothing she can do about it. This is just how she is now. I think she has had some low hormone levels of some sort so that might play a part in it. I'm wondering if it is Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder or something like that, but I'm hesitant to mention that to her because I don't want to offend her and tell her something is wrong with her. You know? Things are tense enough when sex is involved and it's simply out of fear of making things worse.

It could also be because of something that happened to her, such as a rape.

@Ineligible - Good point. I should have thought of a traumatic experience, perhaps even one she has suppressed, as a possible answer to the problem. @studcrumb105 , Can you get her to talk about any feelings she might have when you attempt to get intimate with her?

She's very adamant about the fact that she didn't have any sort of traumatic experience in the time we were apart. She insists that this is normal for some people and that there's nothing wrong with her. Maybe there isn't? But whenever I ask her about it she says the idea of anybody being near her or touching her "down there" grosses her out and makes her feel dirty. She says it's just messy and not fun. I just don't know what to do with that. We are on complete opposite ends on the spectrum. I'm the type that could have sex ten times a day and she just wants absolutely nothing to do with it...

If she doesn't understand the situation to be a problem, and is willing to discuss it with her doctor, then you have a decision to make. Do you accept a sexless relationship--or move on?

Being into a relationship where you cannot be happy I think will give birth to hate and lack of faith in the relationship, dating sites and specially Millionaire Match making sites are doing rounds in dating industries. You may try this to get a meaningful relationship.

Many couples find that the sex in their relationships abruptly stops being good. There are a lot of reasons why sex decreases in otherwise good relationships; however here are the three most common problems that sexless couples have and how to remedy them.

Increase Sex in Your Relationship: 3 Good Ways

Number 1 Problem: You are hurting her.

Believe it or not, but this is far more common than most guys would believe. Just because she doesn't complain doesn't mean that it is really pleasurable for her, she may simply be waiting for you to hurry up and finish.! Generally speaking most men would benefit by decreasing the strength of their touch, on the other hand most women would gain from increasing their grip's firmness.

Similarly many guys touch her internal erogenous zones before she is ready. It is easy to do and leave her feeling sore and unhappy afterward. This problem can easily be fixed by giving more foreplay, making her more excited before sex even takes place (What I call fore-foreplay!) or using more lubrication.

Common Problem Number 2: She Needs More Emotion

Okay so Elvis may want 'a little less conversation; a little more action', but for the rest of us talking about sex shouldn't be something we are ashamed of. In fact honest talk about sex (or lack of) may just reveal exactly where both of you have been going wrong.

Of course talking doesn't mean that you just list off your favorite fantasies or whisper something that turns you on in the quietest voice you can manage. It simply means that you keep the channels of communication open and make sure that you talk honestly and openly about all aspects of sex from what turns you on to what it means to both of you.

Common Problem 3: Lack of Technique.

While most guys will tell you that they are virtuoso studs in the bedroom capable of giving their partner an effortless orgasm, their women would likely tell a different story! Luckily for the clumsy lovers out there there are resources to turn any lover into a virtuoso. Don't be afraid to learn and soon you will be making her orgasm every time.