I am in my early thirties and have had just about all I can take of not having sex. I approached (hit on) my wife this past Friday afternoon, Saturday morning, and Sunday evening and got nothing but the cold shoulder each time. I am surrounded by attractive girls all day at the high school I teach at, so that just adds to the sexual tension (I would NEVER mess with a student). I am just damn sick of going through life so horney I can hardly stand it. Masturbation just does not cut it anymore, I have done it for over twenty years. I would rather not get divorced for several reasons, including my 2 kids. After the first few months of marriage, sex just faded away to virtually nothing, and it has been like that for some years now. We have tried the therapy route several times to no avail. I think I could probably find a mistress if I really wanted to, as I am not too terribly ugly, I am a musician and music teacher, I really enjoy giving oral sex, and I genuinely like (alright, madly lust after :stuck_out_tongue_winking_eye:) Big Beautiful Women. Any and all comments are welcome, just please try to limit the preaching and moralizing - I have been down that road for the last six years and it is the only thing that has stopped me from messing around earlier.
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Considering an affair
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I think you should seperate from your wife before cheating on her. And your kids will be fine.
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I know exactly what you're going through. I was thinking the same thing last year. Some other shit happend between my wife and me in the intrem so some things have changed, but that's a long story.In men, sexual and emotional needs can be very closely tied. Women don't always understand this. When you are physically rejected by the woman you love, it hurts much deeper than just a case of blue balls.That said, women also have personal issues that lead to rejecting the men they love.So, do you need to be sexually or emotionaly fulfilled (or both)?Sexually; a trip to the rub n' tug or to the "ballet" with VIP rooms may be enough. That way, you should be able to separate the physical from the emotional and, hopefully, maitain the marrage. It's not pretty, it may not be concidered the "right thing to do", but it's better than completely abandoning your obligations to your family.If your needs are more emotional, that's different. That can't be fixed by a hand-job.I may be babbling a bit but this is something I've thought about (never acted uppon). I just want you to know that I understand. Also, don't make any decisions lightly!!
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Don't do it...it's not worth it. If you and your wife are not getting along then get a divorce. What happens if your wife and kids find out you cheated? That would be horrible.
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I hear so often from married guys about the sex fading after just a couple months after marriage. I wonder why that is? As much as I'd love to say "Don't cheat!" I also think (I'm new here, but feel free to flame away)... that often wives need to meet their husbands halfway. I think sex is important to a healthy relationship. I find it odd that they don't even WANT to bring their husband pleasure. Sure raising a family isn't easy and squeezing in sex can be tricky, but surely you can find a way if there's a will.I'm sorry I can't offer much, if any, advice, skinnerguy but I wish you all the best whatever you end up doing. I don't think it's always the best to stay married just because of the kids though. Kids aren't stupid and parents usually end up hurting them more by staying together in a bad/loveless marriage.Good luck, man.
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"that often wives need to meet their husbands halfway"That goes both ways...it's not always the wife
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"That goes both ways...it's not always the wife"
Oh, I totally agree. I just meant that to say it's usually the wife who isn't interested in any sex at all. I have married friends who have the same problem. They're turned away. It also seems that in their cases, their girlfriends was into sex before they became 'wife'.
I'm just trying to understand when and why it changes.
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Sound like a Chris Rock special that I watched a while ago!
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pardon my paraphrasing, but I think it might have been Mark Twain that said..."when the bed is good, the marrage is good"My horrible memory aside, the question is... Is a lack of physical intimacy THE problem of a symptom of the problem?btw, I also suggest avoiding infadelity!
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You can't say it's usually the wife...your friends are males, you can't base it on that...that's biased. There are plenty of women who have affairs because their husband shows no interest.
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true
I think, though, that women have affairs due to emotional needs more often than physical needs. -
You're right, Amanda. Didn't mean to make it sound as if it's ONLY the husbands who complain about no sex. Men tend to be much more physical though.
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Amanda are you a feminist? He didn't say it was men only for a second:
In reply to:
"that often wives need to meet their husbands halfway"
That goes both ways...it's not always the wife
Well DUH, and this guy it meeting his husband half way. He's had two kids even though she hasn't been fulfilling him since 2 months after they got married.
Stop jumping on the off-topic feminist band wagon and making redundant comments just because you're over secure.
Moderate me if you want.
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I hear so often from married guys about the sex fading after just a couple months after marriage. I wonder why that is? As much as I'd love to say "Don't cheat!" I also think (I'm new here, but feel free to flame away)... that often wives need to meet their husbands halfway. I think sex is important to a healthy relationship. I find it odd that they don't even WANT to bring their husband pleasure. Sure raising a family isn't easy and squeezing in sex can be tricky, but surely you can find a way if there's a will.Jeez are you pmsing. In that paragraph it clearly only states talking about men. Maybe he/she meant both ways but its only saying he and husband. Why are you so mad that she said that? Don't call Amanda these names.
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But it's a redundant statement. Meeting half way implies compromise, perfect symmetry in the raltionship. Therefore amanda's comment was totally pointless, because a woman meeting hal way means a man is as well.
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Anyway, back to your question - did you try talking about this with your wife? your problem is really with your wife, so doesn't it make sense to go to her first? before you go and hurt your wife and children just because you can't "stand being horny anymore"? i doubt you really want to do that. exhaust all options within the marriage before divorcing and going outside the marriage to fix the situation. (and before anyone shoots my input down b/c I'm a woman, the biggest proponent of this idea is dr phil - a man.)it is interesting how much we are sold the notion that men seperate sex from emotion but women tie them together... when the truth is that might not necc be true as the OP is showing... being rejected sux mightily whether you are a man or woman... maybe we are not as different as people love to say we are.
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Someone isn't getting any...
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I guess, it all has to do with you and your wifes "beleifs" about sex. IS it something that is "fun" or is it something that is totally intimate, and personal, and should stay between just you two. I have seen marriages where one or the other stepped out and it totally saved the marriage, because the sexual tension was taken care of, but there were so many other goals that the couple had together that they could enjoy after the "neglected one" got some. However these were couples who were closer in so many other ways, and sex to BOTH of them was (for lack of better wording) just an extra-curicular activity. On the other hand I have seen it TOTALLY blow up a marriage. And of course, the cheating spouse got the whole social thrashing, because of the sneaking, lying and all that. It totally depends on the people in the relationship. No recomendations here besides what everyone else already said...REALLY CONSIDER IT ALL first!And oh ya! If you do decide to go get some somewhere else...be safe about it, your wife may be ok with an affair, but may kill ya if she gets some std!
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I know you said you've been the therapist route, but have you been to a liscensed Marriage and Family Therapist? They work magic.I agree that you should not have an affair. If you get nowhere with your wife, leave her. I too believe that both spouses have an obligation to meet the sexual needs of the other (within reason). If she refuses to have sex at all, that is certainly grounds for divorce. I know you're worried about your kids, but it's a lot easier on children when their parents get divorced because "the marriage isn't working out" than because Daddy had an affair and things got ugly. Besides, unless you live in a state with no-fault divorces, if you have an affair and then get divorced, wifey has you by the balls.At any rate, I feel nothing but sympathy for you. I believe adultery is flat out wrong, but guys like you help me understand how it becomes an easy option.Hang in there pal.
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i just took another look at your posting. i don't know how I missed what you said about having tried therapy. but a lot of what I said still stands. there has got to be other options for you - mutual massage, sex therapy, a "second honeymoon" trip, a night at a hotel (with your wife) etc.
ive heard of women who become mothers and after awhile, start losing their desire for sex, or start feeling less desirable. somehow in their minds once they become mothers they don't feel like they can be sexual anymore. and they don't want to feel that way, often these women want help. could that be the problem? you don't have to tell us, but this is the kind of stuff you should be discussing with your wife. i just feel like, from what you have told here, this is fixable if you both do your part. even if she turns away from you, please don't turn away from your wife.
