I feel so empty inside. I sit here all alone in my own mind and most of the time I feel absolutely nothing. It’s like I’m living inside a cramped little shell screaming to be set free and yet no one seems to hear, or even care. There are times that I feel like I’m angry, sad, happy, excited, and depressed; it’s like all of these emotions are coming at me so fast that I can’t even decipher which one I’m supposed to feel. Here lately it’s like I’m constantly angry and there’s no reason for me to be like that. It doesn’t feel like I have the ability to be happy anymore. I’ll admit there are times that I’m over flowing with happiness and joy, but those times are slowly slipping away. All I seem capable of feeling is anger, sorrow, guilt, and shame. When ever I look in the mirror, I don’t see me anymore. I see a person who looks as if they’re always on the verge of tears, someone who doesn’t smile anymore, someone who hates everything they’ve become. I see an impostor. Sad eyes always look back at me; the girl in the mirror isn’t me! I don’t feel alive anymore. It’s like I’m walking around in a complete daze and although I’m screaming bloody murder on the inside, I just smile and pretend everything’s OK. I have been unhappy for a long time, and now it’s beginning to show. The more I try to hide it, the more and more it shows. I literally hate myself for things I’ve seen, done, and things I kept secret from the rest of the world. I hate myself so much that it’s almost unbearable living in my skin. No, this isn’t a warning of suicide (at least it’s not yet), it’s a cry for help. I want to be able to feel happy. I want to feel like I’m wanted, like I’m loved. I want to feel like people appreciate me for being me. I don’t want to feel alone anymore. I want to be happy again. I want to feel like I’m wanted and that someone needs me. I want to feel like me.There is always a feeling of shame and guilt that hangs over my head. Memories from the past that I’d rather forget come back and haunt me. When I see certain people I want to run and hide. I cringe at the thought of seeing them because all the unwelcome feelings rush up inside of me. I can’t even speak to some of the people I once considered my closest friends because of guilt. All the “what ifs” and “I should haves” haunt me and I can’t seem to make them go away. I know that there are things in the past that I can’t change and no matter how much I tell myself it’s not my fault, there’s always that feeling of shame, and that little tugging at my heart telling me that I could have kept things from turning out the way they did. I have some people tell me I’m so funny and so great to be around, well, then if I’m so amazing then why do I feel like all I’m capable of is letting people down? Why do I always feel like I’m unworthy of so many things? I just want a friend who will take me for me. I want someone who will love me regardless of my faults and mistakes. I just want someone to understand me, and will be my friend no matter what. I know this sounds strange, but it’s just a few words that I’ve had to get off my chest. I just needed to talk, and I didn’t have anyone to talk to so I turned to you guys. Thanks for always being there.
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Empty Inside
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I sometimes have the same feelings as well, I feel like I want to run away from people who have hurt me in the past, although I have read what you said about your past and I haven't experienced anything like that. I'm glad that you told us this because we are always here to help you. When you get these feelings you can always come here and we will help and entertain you to the best of our ability!
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I have thought about counselling, but I'm not sure I can afford it. I'll have to pay for it with my own money... how much does getting counselling cost? I really think I need to find someone to talk to... maybe it'll help.
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Look at me
You may think you see
who I really am
But you'll never know me
Every day, is as if I play apart
Now I see
If I wear a mask
I can fool the world
But I can not fool
my heart
Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
I am now
In a world where I have to
hide my heart
And what I believe in
But somehow
I will show the world
What's inside my heart
And be loved for who I am
Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
Why is my reflection
someone I don't know?
Must I pretend that I'm
Someone else for all time?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
There's a heart that must
be free to fly
That burns with a need
to know the reason why
Why must we all conceal
What we think
How we feel
Must there be a secret me
I'm forced to hide?
I won't pretend that I'm
Someone else
For all time
When will my reflections show
Who I am inside?
When will my reflections showReflection - Christina Aguilera
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Katie, about how old are you? Do you have a family of your own? Go to school? If you are an adult and need someone to talk to about your feelings, you can PM me. I can relate to you and I think I can help you.It's great also to know that there are many people here that care about you.
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Katie, I think at some stage, everyone goes through feeling like this, but hold on to the fact that it will pass and things will get brighter.......please, if you need someone to talk to, unload to, or just plain moan away to, PM me hon big hugs
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Angelfish.......now that were fighting for Katie's acceptance. Who will she piick? LOLI am very happy that we have another positive member to support you. I'm sure that there are going to be plenty more good people to talk to.
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Angelfish laughin you been watchin finding Nemo too much hon????Why does she have to pick either, can't she have us both anyway its not a competition hon cos I will SO win laughin JOKE!!!!!in a daft mood today sorry - like you say i think there are lots of people on the boards who care, and that can only be a great thing!
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In reply to: about how old are you? Do you have a family of your own? Go to school? I'm almost 19, I'm out of school and planning on attending college soon. I have a family but I can't go to them about my problems because there will be thousands of questions, and it'll just end up in a fight because they wont actually listen to what I'm saying. They'll hear only the parts they want to hear.Thanks for you guys listening to me, I really appreaciate you all.
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yeah parents will do that. Trust me talk with them now b/c you do not want them bugging you in college, like htey are doing to me, get all this taken care of now. College is gonna add a lot of stress with work and what not, so get the problems out of the way, I sure wish I had.
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Well Katie Lou, I am glad we talked. And you are very welcome for the help. If you need to talk again you know how to reach me.
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Thank you to all the people I have talked to, you guys have helped me more than you'll ever know. The last few days I've been doing some soul searching and I'm feeling pretty good (not out of the water yet but I'm working on it). I'm going to make an apointment with a doctor and see were that'll lead me. Wish me luck because I'm nervous lol Thank you
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Hey hon, good luck at the docs, and let us know how everything went won't ya big hugs
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Just had to throw my 2cents in. I agree that we all feel that way sometimes too. Sometimes it is worse and sometimes it is better. While you are getting better, just remember that sometimes, you will feel like this again. Keep fighting.I don't know if there are any programs out there that will help you with dr and counseling. There are tons of them here in CA. You might just get ahold of your local health department and ask if there are some low or no cost clinics in your area that will help you with this. Ironically, Family Planning is one of the best places to start...I used them when I lived in New Mexico to navigate some of the health care systems there.Good luck, and you ARE loved.