How do I help myself, when the last thing I want to do is help myself.
To start off i am 21 and I got really depressed shortly after high school. I never really woke up sad, like some people do. I would be fine all day. Happy, normal whatever you want to call it. Then some nights (not all nights) I would start to feel really down, I would start to think of all the things wrong in my life, and could never focus on the good things. If I was out with friends I would just go home because I couldn’t stand to be with people.
I started thinking about ways to kill myself, even planned a couple ways. I started cutting my wrist. I didn’t do it for the pain, or to kill myself. (But that was one way I planned to kill myself) when I would be thinking about all my faults I would get this urge to go cut my wrist. As I cut it made me feel better? No not better. I really don’t know how it made me feel. Sad because I just cut my wrist. Mad because the pain stopped me from cutting deeper. Scared because I didn’t want to die, but I didn’t want to live either.
I never went for help or anything like that. But it did lighten up, and I stopped cutting. But my depression didn’t stop completely. I might have one bad night in a week or maybe only 2 in a month.
Lately I am starting to notice it’s getting worse. the urge to cut is coming back. I am becoming depressed more and more. My mood can sometimes change on a whim. Not that it changes every 5 mins or something) but I can be doing fine at work, and for no real reason I get really really down for a couple hours. (Usually only in the afternoon) When I am like that I’m not thinking of anything, I feel blank. I just want to avoid people, and crawl into a corner and think or all my problems. Then sometimes I will just start feeling better on my own, sometimes but not always. Some days I am lucky and the girl I really like at work starts her shift. She can always bring me out of what ever bad mood I am in just by smiling at me.
I find that at night sometimes it will be 5 pm and all I want to is go to bed and sleep. Not that be any means I am tired. I am just bored and depressed just wanting to go to sleep until the next day. Sometimes I will plan to hang out with friends or just to go out, only to get depressed about something small, and end up not going out at all.
Part of me does wants to get help, but part doesn’t. When I am in a good mood my depression seems like something of the past. I feel like because I am not depressed all the time that I don’t deserve help, save it for the people that are worse then me. And I don’t know how to ask for help. How do I tell my doctor? Hey doc my foot it’s bothering me…. And btw I think I am depressed?
I think this is just a rant, or I am asking for help. I am not really sure. I am just going to post this before I lose the nerve. Any thoughts?
btw sorry for the bad grammer.
How do I help myself, when the last thing I want to do is help myself.
The good news is that since you posted it, its been more then an hour so now you cnt delete or edit it, so someone will see it that has tips or advice or similar experiences to share with you, the bad news is its not me, I want to kill other people, not myself.
No worries, its not randomw people, its specific people Id like to choke till thier throat caves in and the light leaves thier eyes.
I do wish ya much luck though in combating your own demons
Let's agree to respect each others views, no matter how wrong yours may be.
I have suffered from depression for most of my life, still do I guess. Like Chance, I have never, if being honest with myself, been suicidal. The expression of my depression comes in the form of external rage rather than internal despair. So, I can't really relate to you on that level but I do have a suggestion on, maybe, an easier way to take the first step in finding help, which you really should do because you are depressed and everybody deserves help.
You asked, what do I have to tell the doc. For me, and it sounds like possibly for you, the first step of having to go through what I was feeling and tell someone about all the shit in my head and that I need help seemed to be just a monumental task. It sounds so easy, but when your depressed it feels like it requires a lot of thought and effort and is pointless anyway, at least that's how it seemed to me. Then when I would finally get to the doc, I would be like, "This is pointless. I just want to go home." and never bring it up.
So here is what I did, it made things much easier for me. At a time when I was in the mood for it I wrote all that shit down and took the letter to the doc the next time I went. I just handed the doc the letter and in my, at the time, typically hostile style said, "get me help." He asked what it was, I just said I didn't feel like discussing it just read it and tell me who I need to talk to. He did, he understood, and he set me up with a shrink who got me the help that make shit much easier to deal with.
You've already got this shit written down, just above here. Print it take it to the doc and say, "Read this, I need help." It really was the only way I got anything started. It negated the whole, I'll deal with this later, I just want to go home problem I had when I would finally go to the doc.
It's just a thought, hope it helps and best of luck.
There is no punishment. There is no reward. There are only consequences.
things like thins in life just make me angrey
ive been through depression, and much like u, i wanted help, i wanted it 2 stop but i didnt feel like i deserved it or sumthing. i been there done that, i cut myself ( hell, i even carved my name into my thigh with a screwdriver at one point) , ive had more thorts of suiside than any1 should ever have, ive spent hours planning how id do it. ive been to hell and back with this bascially and i dont think any1 should EVER have 2 deal with what i did.
dont b stupid like i was, i spent 2 years convinceing myself it wasnt "that bad" and being in denial about it and not asking for help. it dosnt matter who it is, ur doctor, a trusted friend or even ur parents if ur close.
just dont make then mistake i did, my biggest regret in life is not being able 2 ask 4 help when i needed it. as a consequence, i cant remember most of 2 years of my life, which totaly sucks and im a much different person to the bubbly young girl i once was.
seriously, its not worth loosing that just cuz u didnt let sum1 no what u were goin through. way 2 many ppl kill themselves when they could have just asked for help.
it will b really hrad but seriously, just do it.
"So I wake in the morning and I step outside<br />And I take deep breath and I get real high<br />And I scream from the top of my lungs<br />What's...
In reply to:
You've already got this shit written down, just above here. Print it take it to the doc and say, "Read this, I need help."
Man, that's a great idea, Scotty.
Great idea indeed.
Screw the whales, save the subjunctive!
those are all really good points, and idea's. Thank you.
I guess that i should get in touch with my doctor.