i used to feel happy just in GENERAL, for no specific reason, i was just happy to be. thats when i had friends, and went to school. thats when i still felt pleasure and happy at times. but now i feel alone and in constant pain because of how ive become and the things ive discovered about the world. more so because of how unfair life is and how im treated. and i know if im treated this way there must be others who are as well, and that makes me sick to my stomach. im alone in this world. i have no friends, i have no girlfriend, and the ones ive had ended up treating me like SHIT in the end. with love as important as it is to me this is devastating. it makes me feel like something is wrong with who i am. im too depressed to have the energy or will to persue career oriented goals, i just dont see the point. life is too painful, its not worth it. and with that, im worthless to the world, because i dont serve others as they would like. ignorance truly is bliss. as things are now, im miserable. im gonna see if my life changes in a year, but if it doesnt ill be 18.. then ill be able to buy a gun, and wait till i get pushed over that edge. i used to be so nice until i realized that isnt what this world values, bein nice only gets you used, taken advantage of, and left in the dust. i cant go one day without clutching my head in my hands and wondering why the world is so cruel and fucked up. all i am isnt worth shit to people in this world so i say fuck it. im sick of life and all the pain it entales. i want to die and relieve myself of this misery.
To all those who think im crazy for wanting to die.. you dont live my life, so shut the fuck up. stop tryin to act like youre all high and mighty for stickin through life, cuz youre just livin in an ignorant bliss. when you see the world for what it truly is without deluding yourself, you see its alot uglier than youde imagined. everyone is selfish in everything they do. everyone is only lookin out for #1. for example, people who give to charity, thats not because theyre selfless angels, they do it cuz it makes THEM feel whole and good about themselves. that or, in another instance, one might do it cuz his family is religious and pressures him into it. in which case it'd be easier on HIM to just donate to avoid the subsequent guilt if he hadnt. its the same FOR PEOPLE WHO STICK THROUGH LIFE cuz they would feel guilty or weak for killing themselves. you are no different. at this point, its easier for you to just live, because by living and believing youre doing something right, you can feel better about yourself regardless of whether or not youre still livin in the same hellhole that brought you to contemplate suicide in the first place. people always do what is easiest to THEM. thats why murders happen, there are 2 kinds.. one is the seriel killer, who ENJOYS killing.. thats selfish for obvious reasons. but what about the one who kills because someone has caused such a level of pain to him it becomes unbearable? he decides it would be easier on HIM for that person to not exist, so he tries to make it happen. everyone is only looking out for themselves in this world, and if they happen to benefit others as they do it, then lucky them. but you cant look down on those you think are selfish just 'cause then dont serve YOU in some way; you selfish, ignorant bastard. when i go, dont say i was selfish for causin pain to my family, for it is selfish of them to want to make me suffer through a life of constant pain and torment for their own peace of mind.