Til death do us part?

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I'm not masochistic, but I am an 'abuse victim', meaning that I somehow manage to drive people crazy all the time. I piss them off and I get hit, talked down to, raped, or used. By everyone. Professional helper-people dn't like me, because I hate them. I miss my boyfriend because he was the only person who stuck around. He called me this morning. He was pleasant, but he sounded like he'd been crying. He said we can't be together again for at least a few years: not until I'm 'healthy'. I can't afford counseling or therapy or a psychiatrist. The only things I can afford are friends, my boyfriend, and broken glass. And all of them are temporary relief. And now I've only the one option left, as I haven't one friend, and I'm alone for the first time in years. I don't know how I am going to get 'help' on my budget. It's food or a bi-montly chat session, and I'm kinda hungry. I'm unemployed, I'm living with my PARENTS (at this age, that is SHAMEFUL!), and I have not one friend or connection. And try filling out a job application saying you were fired because of self-mutilation issuses! Now my ex is the least of my problems, becuase it only just occurred to me that life is short and I haven't planned too well for mine.

So how's your current approach working out for you? Not well, it sounds like. So can you imagine going through life just doing what you are doing? Being a victim is not a path to happiness.

Your suffering does you no good. It does no good for anyone around you. You are very depressed. You need to do something about it. You need to get your parents or your friends to help you find the help that you need. I don't care if you hate people who can help you. You need to get some help.

What if you are found bleeding profusely from a cutting session gone wrong? There's a good chance you will wind up in a psychiatric hospital, at least for a short time. You need to get some help before something like that happens.

For some people, antidepressant drugs are very effective. To try one of them, you don't need to go through counseling (although it would be advisable). You have lost your perspective. You need to find the resources, and get some help. There are social services available if you don't have money. Your life is more important than your financial condition. Just go do it.

That was pretty repetitive. I hope you got the point.

Hey, girl....just go to the hospital. Tell any doctor and what you're doing to yourself, what you've recently experienced, what's in your past, you want help and I can pretty much gaurantee you'll spend a few days talking to doctors and will be set up with future appointments. Of course, you're really going to have to WANT to be helped, first.All the best!J.

I think I'll be all right soon.... I have missed him very badly for a long time. But I think I will live without him. Every minute I'm away from him, I'm a little bit more comfortable. I should have made him leave a long time ago. The first time he laid a hand on me should have been the last time we spoke. SO even though I miss him, I think I'll pass on the moping.

Hey, I'm glad to hear it! And you're absolutely right: if he laid a hand on you, he was late for his ticket to ride the moment after. Don't waste a tear or a feeling...you're better off without him!Best of everything and you know where to find me if you'd like to talk--anytime!J.

ooops, now halo's busted.... now the whole world knows what she's done wrong.... thanks for the assist, loves.... fat lot of good it did in the end

Tell me again what she's done wrong so I can bitch at her, too? From what I can see, she's walked a tough road and done her best to get where she'd like to go. Perhaps mistakes have been made along the way--hell, she wouldn't be human without them--but the issues in the world are not her fault. Shit happens. I once read something that has always stuck with me: Life is problems; living is solving problems. Don't beat yourself up...I think you've done quite enough of that.

Keep in touch!

Nope. I didn't beat myself up. I left that to the womb that bore me. Hah. Bore. She bores me now, too. Yawn. Except when she's ripping out what precious little is left of my damned hair....

How old are you?

See my response in "the cutter's nightmare" thread.