I’ve been reading the boards for a few weeks, but today I decided to join. Hopefully, you all will be able to help me figure some things out.
Some background on me:
I’m waiting for marriage
I date a lot, but I don’t have relationships
I’m currently casually dating several guys. Commitment scares the heck out of me, but I really like this one guy I’m seeing. I like him enough to stop seeing other people. The problem is that I don’t know where we are right now. He’s 27 and I’m 19 so I don’t know if we see things in the same light. We haven’t been seeing each other for very long and I don’t want to force the issue and scare him away. Generally, we just makeout and watch movies either at home or at a theater. He talks about how we’ll still know each other years from now, I’m the type of girl he wants to marry ( he jokes about us getting married), he’s done with dating lots of people, he’s told me that he doesn’t mind if I talk to other guys as long as I’m not kissing them. I laugh it off when he talks about us because I’m scared of believing him and getting hurt. This weekend I have a date with a very persistent handsome guy (closer to my age) and I just don’t want to mess things up with either guy. I want to know where I stand with the 27 year old. Am I allowed to date if I don’t kiss? Is he hooking up with other girls because he doesn’t get any from me? I usually hear from him everyday, but it’s been nearly 3 days since I last saw him or talked to him.
I’m sorry for the length of this post. Any insight would be much appreciated.
Hooking up? Casually dating? Exclusively seeing ea
I think you can only clarify things with the 27 yearold guy by talking to him. Could you ask him streight where you stand? Only he could answer whether hes sleeping wit other girls, though thats a matter of trust.
As for the other guy, well if you clarify where you stand with each guy then its just a matter of deciding who you wnat more, which sounds like the 27 yearold guy. You'll just have to be upfront if you can.
Thank you so much for your prompt reply!
How do I bring up the conversation? I really don’t want to freak him out. Next time I’m with him should I mention that I have a date this weekend and ask if there are any rules? Should I just casually ask him who else he’s seeing? Next time he tries to put his hand in my shirt should I tell him I’m not doing more than kissing without a relationship... and see if he says we’re in one?
Hes already given you rules in the form of telling you not to kiss them, so I dont think you need to ask that, but if you think it would give you peace of mind then do so. If its relaxed dating then I guess you can ask him streight who else he is seeing. Do you think he is seeing other people? I dont know how to bring up the conversation, other than by waiting for a comfortablee moment. Do the two of you ever get deep in conversation of that kind?
By being in a relationship do you mean not seeing anyone else atall?
In reply to:
Next time he tries to put his hand in my shirt should I tell him I’m not doing more than kissing without a relationship... and see if he says we’re in one?
Sounds like a good idea.
Sweetheart, I hate to break this to you, but he's 27 and you're 19...do you seriously believe he wants anything more than your virginity??? Okay, maybe I'm being a bit cynical and I certainly don't know this guy, but I AM a guy and I have to think: he's been exposed to women who have their goals in life decided upon...he probably has his own in mind, and I doubt they involve marrying someone who he's going to have to carry financially for years until she makes her own splash.
Okay...I have a very good friend who is 45 and he married a wonderful woman with two kids who is now 26...and she's trying to better herself by going back to school full-time to help provide for all of them and lack of money seems to be an issue from what I understand.
Be realistic....no matter what he says (while groping at your perky, young breasts and who knows what else) the two of you are in different places emotionally at this point in your lives....and even if you got married--by some miracle--I wouldn't give it 5 years.
Oh, and I'm 39, currently engaged, but never been married...because I waited for the right person.
I hope this doesn't come across as too cruel.
Best of luck!
I refuse to go farther than just making out if I’m not seeing someone exclusively. If he wants to see other people that’s fine, but he can give up on doing anything else. I’m not sure if he’s casually dating other people right now. I think he could be and I’m sure that if he is they’re doing more than kissing. He doesn’t usually date girls like me. Then again, the way he talks leads me to believe he isn’t with anyone else right now and I’m not supposed to be either. I really don’t know. We haven’t spoken since I saw him three days ago and I’m starting to worry that he’s lost interest. I’m not usually like this!
I wouldnt worry about three days, space isnt a problem is it?
I appreciate your perspective and I don’t think it’s too cruel at all.
I’m not stupid enough to believe we’re going to get married. I don’t know him well enough to even consider it. I laugh it off when he brings it up because I figure he’s kidding and if he isn’t then he’s thinking way too far ahead. Usually I remain unattached and just have fun going out to dinner, movies, or dancing- with this guy I didn’t plan on caring. All I want is to get to know him better and see where it goes. He says the no sex until marriage thing is difficult but ok because he’s always wanted to marry a virgin. We both come from money so that isn't an issue for us.
I would really like to know where we stand without freaking him out because I know we’re in different places emotionally. When we first met we didn’t discuss our ages and it was only after we had gone out and been talking for a bit that he realized how much younger I was. Again, I DON’T WANT TO MARRY HIM. I just want to know if we’re both seeing other people right now. I’m sure that I’m naive to even give this a chance, but I figure if I don’t go farther than I’m comfortable with then even if it doesn’t work out I haven’t lost anything.
With all due respect to StrapinYoungLad, I think you should forget about this guy. What kind of crap is it telling you not to be kissing other guys? And he has the ability to date other women and do whatever he wants? What kind of relationship is that? Does that sound like a sharing of equals to you? From my understanding of relationships that's what it's supposed to be....and it sounds like you're his plaything-on-a-string...of whom he brags to all his buddies and they get a good laugh and eagerly wait his next story.
Wake up! Take control and find a guy closer to your age who shares the same problems...who is going through the same shit...and who values you for the person you are!
Tell this guy you can't see him anymore and I'll bet you anything I can tell you how the conversation will go...and what he'll say...and it will all be lovey-dovey and self-serving...to get your virginity before you leave him forever...
Sorry, but apparently our responses crossed.
I just think this guy is playing you...especially because he's willing to talk about marriage knowing the difference in your ages. Unless he's completely naive, he has to understand the odds are against it working out for that long. Again, to be honest (a bad habit of mine) I think the talk of marriage is designed to make you let your guard down. I'll tell ya what...stick with this guy and if you can keep his dick out of your vagina for two years and know that he's not getting anything on the side during that time, I'd say marry him.
I'll bet anyone my next year's salary all those conditions won't come about, however.
But regardless, I wish you the best of luck.
I dont see the 19/27 age gap as too huge binther. I met the man I raised my son with when I was sixteen and he was a few weeks shy of 28. I know a lot of people would consider that immoral and I certainly wouldnt advocate it, but in our situation it did work.
He was a lovely person and a great dad and he was certainly serious about the relationship, he spent years nagging me to marry him. We stayed good close friends after we split and he continued to take my son every weekend for four years after the break up, right up till the week in late '02 that he died. My point is, it isnt always as simple as 'he cant possibly be serious cause you're x amount of years younger'.
Star, I don't think it's all about the ages, I just don't like the kind of things he says to her, like limiting what she can do with other men when he, himself, hasn't been saddled with any such restrictions. To me--and maybe I'm just the suspicious type--that smells of some kind of duplicity. Add in the fact that (regardless of the positive experience you had) there are men and women out there who will take advantage of their greater experience to manipulate someone for their own desires, and this kid could well be one of them.
While I have determined in my own life that guilt is a usless emotion, that doesn't change the fact that some people have never had to make that determination because they don't ever FEEL guilt; THAT'S my concern here.