I have no connections. I know that I have my family and some of my childhood friends that care about me, but no one actually knows who I really am. I have never had a romantic relationship, not even holding hand. I can't make friends and if I do start to get to know someone I start telling lies about myself because I am boring/ or don't want them to get too close. I am lonely and the friends that I do have I can't express My feelings to. I fell asleep on a bus ride and when I woke up the person next to me had fallen asleep and was leaning on me, and I enjoyed that warmth to much that I still long for it even if it is a brief hug from or a stranger falling asleep on me on a bus. I have contemplated suicide many times. I have even been on the verge of actually trying it by taking too many Tylenol pm, but in the end I realize the pain it will cause people, my family and friends, and I have already caused them so much pain already that it would selfish for me to go through with it. I take 5 pills and just hope for a dreamless night. I know that you think I have connection if people care that I die, however, none of them will have known the true me. I don't want to be average, lost in the crowd, invisible. I want, and need some one to see me.I know that I didn't really ask a question but I just wanted to write this down where other people will see it, and I won't be invisible, if only for a short time.
I needed to do this
Hi silver, thank you for posting this.You don't want to be average - that's good, because you're not average already. Everyone is unique and different from anyone else. That happens without having to do anything at all.Being lost in the crowd - yes, that can happen, even when you are unique. The trouble with crowds is that no-one knows anyone else. People in a crowd are faceless. So instead of crowds, try to join small groups. No need to tell lies about yourself - you're not boring. If you don't have anything you can think to say, don't say anything, but instead listen to other people, and they'll love you for it.
The only way for people to know the true you is for you to let them. The biggest hurdle in order to reach that point is to be happy with who you are. Everyone is unique, and if you let people see what is unique about you there are only two reactions they can have. They will reject you or they will accept you. If they reject you, you don't need their friendship because it was not based on anything of value anyway. If they accept you, you'll allow yourself to become closer to them.