i know im making an annoyance of myself here. and some of you will read this, roll your eyes, tell me what an idiot i am, etcetera, and i deserve all that stuff. so go ahead.
these past few days have been the worst of my life since my dad died. im at a new low. i have been crying a lot and today i went home from school early (with permission) cause i just couldnt take it. this is such a horribly depressing frustrating time.
as you know i had troubles with my ex girlfriend not long ago. things where not going great- i was depressed about it. i thought she was going to dump me at any moment so i decided to beat her to the punch. what i neglected to say was that i did it in a particular horrible way- through a really vicious text message. i do not deserve sympathy because what i did was horrible. i broke her heart. and the worst part is, she wanted to make it work. we have spoken since. she knew things where bad, but we could have made it work. i was perfect for her in her own words.
i thought i was so fucking impressive- i thought i had her wrapped around my little finger. she sent me a text saying 'when you dumped me, i felt an emptyness inside me. i need you to love me. i love you'. did i do the smart thing, call the girl i loved, tell her i felt the same way and ask her to take me back? no, i sent her a text which was like 'yeah, we should talk tomorrow' just because i wanted to play head games and lead her on. she came to her senses. she told me yesterday shes moving on- that we cant be together. i broke down crying because id had a taste of my own medicine. i cried hysterically that night. you dont cry like that for someone you dont love.
i know heartbreak usually feels like its never going to end, but does- but i dont think so with this one. i cant get over her. its too hard. i see her every day at school- and my friends having a party soon. shes going to be there. i keep thinking maybe when we're both in the party mood i can tell her how much i still love her...even though i have already...and see if she will get back with me. but part of me doesnt want to do this because i know she will probably reject me. i dont want anyone but her- and she wants to move on. so many guys are interested in her i know she will be with one of them soon- thats going to break me. i cant take this. i made the worst mistake of my whole fucking life. i sent the text to show off- all i had to do was call her and talk to her but i sent her a horrible text message and dumped her and broke her heart. i dont have a friend in the world right now except those people i would show off to or make fun of her with behind her back. i dont want anyones sympathy here- and by all means tell me what a fucking idiot i am, i deserve it. tell me how fickle i am and how i shouldnt be complaining. i just need to vent. i just want to find a way out of this pain. i cant move on and think 'maybe someone out there is perfect for me' because she was perfect for me. no amount of begging will get her back- and shes going to a nightclub this friday. my friends want me to go, and i want to just because if she gets with a guy and im not there...well...id rather see it than hear it from a friend, for closure at least. shit. im failing at school. i have no future, the present is hell and im not crazy about my past. i keep having dreams about her- i cant even escape in my sleep. i cant write anymore cuz im gonna cry. please just help me even though i dont deserve it.
-ak
