More serious than I thought =(

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*Here comes a bunch of words and thoughts that might not make sense but try ok?... It's kind of serious. Matter of fact it's just.. alot. And I understand that many of you may not understand this, and if you can't it's totally fine. I'm just going to say basically everything that's been bothering me concerning this issue because I can't keep it pent up inside... anymore.*I had the type of discussion with my father last week that if I had had with him before I went to college I could have easily brushed it off whilst continuing to think of him as a crazy psychopath. It's just... things are actually starting to make sense.. and not in a good way, and it's effecting me now and will continue to effect me in the future.Racism runs DEEP in my family. In ever sense of the word. DEEP DEEP DEEP. I couldn't emphasize it enough. On my brother's side of the family they go as far back as American historically possible in the state of South Carolina. My dad has so much anger, so much... pain... and pure hatred for W(white) people as... humanly possible. And he's good at hiding it.. around them. But he will tell us everything about how he feels. And it hurts me too because I feel his pain. I never thought it was possible but I can actually feel the pain of my father. But he won't admit it's pain. He'll just say he hates them. And I completely understand why he feels the way he does. I understand why he says the things he does no matter how cringe worthy they are. And I cry because I know, his history, and the history of his family is bloody, and violent... and... ok yea I thought about this too much because it really hurts knowing what he had to go through. And I mean... I've experienced racism all throughout my life. But not to the extent that he has. I've never experienced as much as him to make me feel pure hatred for a group of people. I couldn't do it. I can't hate like that. To tell my children "they are NOT your friends. They would kill you in a second if they could." To turn a Thanksgiving dinner into a recollection of the numerous bloodbaths of America. I don't feel the same way he does, and I'm really glad I don't... that I can't.But in myself, it's a constant struggle. I feel like I'm fighting. And it's wearing me out. Because I'll look at my dad and my mom and be like "I understand how you guys feel but I'm not that way. The world is changing." And then I turn around I'm hearing people tell me the usual.. but to an even more extreme degree. I'm ashamed to admit that I hurt easily, unfortunately. Because I hear "B(black) women are ugly apes. B people are invalid, violent, a menace to society. B women aren't even wanted by their own men." Statistics hurt (though I still question them). "42% of B women are single. B men make up the largest group in prison (I doubt..)." And then the words that associated with the B community. "Homophobia. Violence. AIDs. Teen pregnancies. Drugs." Ok so you can't win.I've felt it. I've had several experiences since I've gotten to college also but I do my best to brush it off, right? But yes it still hurts. And then it doesn't make sense. Because B women are faced with so many situations that basically force them to take charge and not wait on anyone else. And then we're told we're to aggressive. We have too much attitude. We have too much baggage. I mean... what the hell?Why is it that when there is a W actress she'll be referred to a beautiful actress but when it's a B actress she's a beautiful B actress?? Why can't she just be a beautiful actress too? Why is it that every B women in hollywood who is deemed as beautiful questioned as to if she's mixed with anything? Is there a such thing as being pure W? How come W actresses are never questioned as to being mixed with something? Why can't a B women be seen as beautiful without being "MIXED" with something? And then dark skin is seen as ugly and unfeminine? Light skin and W skin is all of a sudden.. the ultimate beauty? And the double standards. B men are free to get with W women and light-skinned women but a sista is a sellout for wanting to be with a non-B man? Or she's labeled as desperate... DESPERATE?And in the B and L(latino) community. There's war.. for no friggin reason. For what? For pride? For respect? What possible respect can you get from killing another human being? For taking another life?? And minorities who suffer the same discrimination will find something else to discriminate against among themselves. Instead of pulling themselves together to help each other. calming down nowFor a while I tried to hate W people because that's what I felt was right. And for a time I did because it came all too naturally. I feel... you hate me because of what I am, you have no idea who I am. But then I can't. And I won't... though sometimes I want to because I feel like it would make things so much simpler for me. But there are too many people I love. Too many friends that I would give my life for. Too many people that aren't B that care for me and make an effort to know me and understand that sometimes, I am the one who tortures myself day in and day out. And I ask God, You try to make things so much better for Your children but yet you continue to allow the persecuted be persecuted. You still allow the weak and despised to continue being mistreated. WHEN do they get a break? When do WE get a break?calming down againThe problem that I am dealing with, because it worries me. I love my father. With all my heart. I would give my life for him and I would hate to see him in any sadness, depression, anger, rage. And I understand why he doesn't want to associate with W people. Therefore, having them in his family is like opening the gates of hell. And he wants brown... BROWN children. But me... myself. I can't see it like that. So what if the majority of W men don't find B women attractive. I feel like... I'm more open to being with a non-B man, and this would not only enrage him but kill him. I wouldn't dare utter the words... not at this age. But he doesn't understand... at all. And I try to let him in, try to give him an idea but... I just can't. I would never want to disappoint my father. I only aim to please him. But my ideals... my preferences are basically... me marrying his worst enemy. He's even called them that before.. THE ENEMYI'm sorry for typing so much. I just needed to get this off my chest. It was too much and when you're out of school for so long things tend to... break out. You guys don't have to respond... I just needed to put this somewhere.

I understand how you feel abi. I still struggle with this today and I'm almost 36 year old. I really don't believe it's something most people who aren't of a mixed heritage can understand or appreciate. That's no slight against them, I just don't think there's any popular reference that can impart what it's like. I still find myself hating whitey because of the things he's done to my people and I still find myself hating my people for what they have allowed themselves to become. I hate whitey, of which I'm part, because he's greedy and mercilessly apathetic toward other people. I hate my people because their lazy and petty and would rather fight amongst themselves than do anything productive. It's awful, it's hurtful, it's the shits and finding anyone who really understands is... well you know.I know we don't share a common belief system. My beliefs are to labyrinthine and aqueous to fit any one category, faith or lack there of but I don't believe god is in the business of helping the downtrodden, maybe the individual but not the group. Why I don't know, it doesn't really matter but I do think they have to help themselves... it's just when you've been down so long there's a magnitude of weight that most can't understand in pulling yourself up. It's hard and most of human kind doesn't have it within them to fight their way up from such depths and that includes whitey too, if he was ever down there. It's not just a mountain to scale it's like flying to the moon and though there are those that have done it, for most it's a practical impossibility so you don't even try and I think that's what so many people don't understand.As for your dad, you have to live your life in a way that will make you happy, not him. Where his hates begin and end is his business and if he can't stop it at his family that his failing. It may hurt you but the hurt of a wasted life trying to make someone else happy is far greater. If he wants to hate whitey fine, join the club but hating whitey doesn't have to include hating the individual white man, there are a lot of good ones. If it ever comes to it see if you can compromise with him on this point. See if he would be willing to get to know the person before he condemns them for their race. Surely he can admit that there have been good white folks along the way that have helped out people of color where they could. Challenge him to get to know the person first, challenge him to be better than his persecutors. He may surprise you. I doubt it would be easy but he may eventually come around. Things in the abstract are much easier to hate than in the material.

I figured you would.It almost seems to drive me a little insane because I don't like blaming anyone but at the same time I can't control my emotions sometimes. Especially when they all seem to come at once. I become so incredibly confused and then I feel the hatred and hurt build up inside me and I don't know what to do with it. As you know, it's hard.... you rarely find anyone if anyone at all to talk to about it who truly understands how you feel and won't just pat you on back like "well it'll be ok"...I will admit, I've been suffering alot in my faith. I've been confused, I've doubted. I know in my heart that I'll always be a believer and lover of Jesus Christ. But I feel like I'm being restructured. I get angry and frustrated, though I try not, as I question that because I believe He is the Creator of all things why can't He at least help those who cry out for Him on a daily basis. And I have seen this much in minorities like... watching my family and friends suffer so much and it's like they can't do a damn thing about it and all I can do is ask why. It depresses me and angers me to no end. It's like a continuous series of tormenting events. It's something I'm still trying to work on and figure out within myself.The thing with my dad is, it doesn't matter how good a W person appears to be, he believes they are all evil. That despite what they may do to help and benefit others, deep down their intentions are and always will be evil. But I mean like you said I'm always willing to try... but I still feel as if it's a huge risk. My mother is more understanding about it than he is. And they have had plenty of arguments where she tells him he's wrong for trying to instill that stuff in our heads. And she tells us that much of it is true but it gives no right to hate an entire group of people because of it. She's a Christian and her big thing is forgiveness. Never hate, but love. They're so completely different from another. But I'm glad I have her because she helps me to deal with it... sometimes... when she's not having her own moments. As someone who's been through 3 different countries and encountered hatred and racism to its very core, I'm surprised she's as peaceful and loving as she is.

Wow. Heavy. First, understand that racism is taught...handed down generation to generation. As a kid, you watch and mimic what your parents do/say...whether you want to or not, or even if you realize it or not. Things get into you at a young age that, once you realize are there and don't want, are hard to get rid of. This is why parenting is such a large responsibility...much larger than I think most folks these days understand.Second, understand your father is a human being...full of faults and defects as we all are. I had to deal with issues concerning my father as well. I still love him, but I was forced to either accept things that I knew were not true, or run the risk of losing some of my respect for him. I chose the latter path. You, too, will have to choose (though it sounds to me as if you already have). This all falls under acceptance...and accepting the imperfections in ones parents, after you've looked up to them at some point as a child, is not an easy thing to do.As for racism itself, most of it is self-perpetuating. By passing it on, generation to generation, more animosity between races is created than would otherwise naturally exist. Equality is a word often used, but let me ask you this...what would the black communities reaction be to there being a White-Studies Club on campus? How about a White History month?Until people are willing to let go of that which singles them out, that which they identify with that makes them separate in thier own minds (as well as the minds of others), racism will continue to perpetuate itself.

Although I can not understand your pain in the situation, I can say that I understand the message you are trying to convey in your post. well.. take what I have to say with a grain of salt.. but, my personal experience has been the following..I noticed you complained about actresses.. And rightfully so. I personally wish that EVERYONE Was referred to in the same way.However, there is never universal consensus even in an individual race.. A lot of people I've met want to be considered "black" they are proud of their heritage or something...I say or something because, I have no heritage to be proud of myself. I have no distinct ethnicity I would label myself as..However, moving back onto topic.. my point is that there is a very fine line in life.. not everything that comes off as racist has hostile or derogatory intentions..there are probably more misunderstandings in the world than you would expect..I am not saying that racism in itself doesn't exist and isn't a problem.. I think its something that requires a delicate touch on multiple levels.. Because on one hand over sensitivity towards race and you get all kinds of misunderstandings as I said above.. On the flipside to completely ignore it is to ultimately encourage it..@thorI do want to disagree with one thing.. racism isn't always outright taught.. I do not think of myself as a racist person... but, when I moved out to college I ended up living in a majority black dorm.If I didn't have experience with black people who were friends before I went into that dorm.I would have walked out the worlds biggest bigot. After a year of being in that situation, they were constantly playing loud music making it impossible to sleep. Even when they weren't in their rooms they left it cranked up to max!The dorm monitors pretty much quit trying to enforce the rules if it was a certain group of people..I am lucky that was not my first time meeting black people and that I actually had friends who were black before going to college..However, when your put in a situation like that.. it doesn't matter whether or your parents were racist or what age you are.Actually.. I think perhaps the OP can probably agree with me on this particular topic if nothing else..It doesn't matter what your taught as a child.. if you see a certain behavior long enough.. you tend to associate it with everyone involved..If she has had to deal with enough racism.. it eventually makes everyone white look bad..and unfortunately for her.. its not like she is going to move out the dorm and carry one with life..