She Was Right

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She was right I was wrong. I fucked up. She is the greatest person on the planet. I'm not, I'm nothing. I'm not going to commit suicide. That would only hurt the ones I love. I'm a monster. Her birthday is two days away. I want her back so bad. I would do anything to have her back. Anything. I wish she would forgive me. I beg to god that she would forgive me. I always hurt the ones I love. Now she's with someone else. And I am not afraid to say that I am jealous. I'm jealous that she is in love with someone else when that someone should be me. I was abusive as well. I would tell her that I would commit suicide. That's abuse. I flaked on getting my priorities straight. Like getting my GED and getting a job. I wanted to give her all that I had, but I was shirking my responsibilities. I'm a bad person. I'm sorry, honeybee. Please I'm so sorry. I love her. I love her so much. And there is not a single goddamn thing I can do about it. She's gone forever with someone who I'm jealous of. I should be him. I should be him god damn it! But I had to be an asshole and do the things I did. God, please god give me another chance, please! I'm dying without her. I can't function. But it won't happen. She doesn't love me any more. Much less like me. I'm losing my mind and sleep over this. I wish I could just die and regenerate. Or become the Doctors companion and leave my life behind. But I can't. I will always love her and I will never stop. Please god, let her forgive me.

If you make a mistake, it doesn't mean you're a bad person and should beat yourself up over it. Take the responsibility for it, learn from it what there is to be learnt, and move on from where you are. We all make many mistakes. Some of them even turn out not to be mistakes.

You're right. I should take responsibility for it. I'm going to go to Evans a school near my home where I will get my ged. I'm going to try to shoot for the sky. I hope my aim is as good as my love for her. I don't know if I mentioned this before but, right now I'm going to try to focus on myself and not bother with anyone else. I feel I should explain the whole "I wish I could Die And Just Regenerate" thing I said. When a time lord is fatally wounded they have this little trick to survive, a little way of cheating death. Their cells die and then regenerate into a new body. New face new voice everything. But they are still the same person inside except for a slight change in personality. I wish I could do that. That way I wouldn't have to look at the face of failure when I look into a mirror. Edit, Here's what I mean about regeneration: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E--UUpv58Zs

Do your best in school, not for me, but for yourself. You can't get me back. I've moved on and in love with someone else. There's no chance for us to happen again.Focus on yourself.

I'd like to regenerate too. But the nearest we get to it is picking ourselves up and moving on, with more experience.

I can only guess what your reaction to what I'm going to say is going to be. But I understand that which you said. But did you really have to say "in love with someone else" I mean no offense or anything but all you could have said was you should move on I've moved on, focus on school. I mean that kinda feels like your twisting the knife by saying your in love with someone else. However true it may be, I honestly believe that will cause me more pain. And I'm sure you don't wish wrong upon anyone, even me. Your not like that. But I digress. I know we'll never get back together and that kills me everyday. I have to focus on myself, just like you said and just like I said in my previous posts.

Quote:But did you really have to say "in love with someone else"Yes, because you have to get it through your head.You keep saying, over and over, "I want you back", "please forgive me", "take me back", and so forth. It's not going to happen, so why bother killing yourself over it?I'm not causing you pain, you are. It seems to me (from what you've been saying) like you're holding on to a small bit of false hope.It's been six months and it's a new year. Shape up and move on. For your sake.

You are right about that little bit of false hope. And that you're not causing me pain but what else is there to say? I'm grieving. I'm sorry but I am. Like I said at the end of my first post in this thread, I know it won't happen. So I'm sorry if I have that false hope. But can you blame me? I am trying to shape up and move on but no matter what I do I always end up remembering you in some way or form. I wish it were that easy Virtual_Star, I really do. But no one grieves the same way. Also I'd like to add, Happy Birthday. But back on topic, I am trying to move on, but it takes time.

Oh well. And thanks.

You're welcome. Look, I know the last thing you want is me talking to you, but I just need you to know a few things. I'm not over you. Yet. But I am trying. Believe me I am. Another thing is, I am going to take care of myself. And I know you don't care anymore at all about me. I kinda have this feeling that if something happened to me you wouldn't care but that's beside the point. The point I'm trying to make is, I'm trying to move on and forget about you. It's hard but it will happen. Until then, when I'm feeling bad I'm going to post here for help. It's up to you if you decide to read my posts but I do welcome advice from anyone, be it you, or, I don't know, anyone. I don't know what else to say. I guess, accepting this is hard. And I never realized life could be this cruel, especially when it's my own fault. I don't want to fall in love again. Not because I still love you, no, because I don't want to get hurt or hurt anyone else again. I'm just scared that everything will happen all over again. I'm even afraid of trying it. Falling in love I mean. Regardless of what I've said to you, I do want you to be happy, even with your boyfriend or anyone else for that matter. So please, when I say this don't reject it, I beg of you, be happy, live your life to the extent. I know I'll miss you, but just knowing that you're happy means more to me than anything else in the world. I have to let go, and that's the best thing I can ever do for my self and for you. And for my mental health. As for ever seeing you again or running into you, I'll leave you alone. I'll just smile and remember the good days and be happy that you are happy. I have to forget you and move on, thinking other wise is not an option.