The hardest thing I've had to endure.

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I have one of the most complicated problems I've ever faced, and I don't particularly know why I'm revealing this to people I don't know except that you can maybe offer some sort of help or advice. To start, I'm a stylish 17 yr old guy who is probably best described as down-to-earth and sensitive. I'm more in touch with my feelings and feminine side then most guys.Now around the beginning of this school year (sep/03) I was invited by an aquaintance from elementary school to one of his small parties. We were in the same english class and we never really talked a heck of a lot before then. To be honest I don't know why he took a chance on me but I'm glad he did. I went and I clicked with the group so well that we're all best friends today. The main group is basically 4 guys (including me) and 3 girls, I can honestly say they've all made me a better person.Now around christmas time one of the girls started to have feelings for me. She has never had a boyfriend prior to this and she's quite shy on the subject in general, she has had experiences with guys in the past that has made her very scared of comittment or romance. The two other girls thought we would make the absolutely cutest couple so I put some serious thought into it and looked at my friend in an entirely different light. In short, after New Years I had discovered she is the most amazing girl in just about every way. Her beauty is nothing short of enchanting, she has the highest morals, a loving, caring, nurturing personality, I dunno I could sit here all day and talk about what I've begun to see in her. And the best thing of all was that she absolutely, genuinely had the same feelings for me! Or so it would seem. Anything that looks too good to be true rarely is....and boy did that one hurt. By the time I had come to realize I wanted her she had suddenly stopped liking me. The 2 girls said the poor girl doesn't know why she doesn't like me anymore, and that she wants to (dunno how that works but ok!). It might be good to mention that the two of us never openly talked to eachother about it. With our network of friends no secret is safe so we know everything withen a matter of hours anyway. The two girls and I got together and they encouraged me not to give up and they said they wud promote me at every chance they got. They said they knew she still liked me but she was scared of getting into a relationship. I tried not to act any different then I had before and not much had really changed on the surface. But after awhile I began to like her more, and she began to act different. A tension began to build. It was an unspoken, unacknowledged tension that only the two of us realized.I hated it, I sat her down and had a talk about it, I laid everything down and she said she only liked me as a friend. I can respect that, but she wouldn't tell me why. She said "It wasn't me" but any guy with a IQ over 4 knows that generally means it's something so bad that if she revealed it I'd hurt really bad. I'm hurtin kinda bad already right now and I feel sort of betrayed, lost, and confused. We had decided to be friends and not let anything get weird. We're going to graduation together btw, that was sorta confirmed in the discussion.It's been a few weeks since then and things have gotten a little weird. I hide my hurt because the two girls probably dont want to hear about it and I really don't want my friend to get more uncomfortable around me then she already is. She has absolutely no problem being close with the other guys in our group but whenever I try she is awkward, even things like casually slinging your arm around her while we're all being lazy. Before this was nothing, now she sort of recoils but catches herself and endures it. I casually move/back off when she does this of course but it comes as a slap in the face to everything we agreed upon as well as my feelings. Now I know I'm definitely not ugly, nor do I have any sort of problems with my personality. To get to the point I don't know what I've done to push her away and I'm sort of torn between being her friend or leaving her and the group altogether. Why is she ok with other guys but not me? Why can't I make her laugh like I could before, why doesn't she ever smile like she does before around me? I wish I could make things as they were before either of us liked eachother. This is incredibly hard and confusing so if any of you guys have advice to give I would very much appreciate it. Thx

Hyperion, I'm sure you know that attraction isn't always rational. People sometimes fall in love with people who are entirely wrong for them. Similarly, people sometimes don't love people who are entirely right for them. So the fact that she doesn't love you the way you love her doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you - it's just the way things have happened to go this time.

Our situations are a little different, but when looked at the bottom line it's pretty similar. The girl I'm in love with has been my best friend for 4 years. The last year or so has been a rollercoaster of emotion. More recently our friendship is closer than it ever has been.Last night, I came to the realization that I'd never have her. She said things like, "Frank and I are so close that I feel like he's my big brother, except we don't really act like it."and at one point she also says,"Frank won't have sex with me because that will change everything. Not to mention it would feel like incest or something." Which in my mind is completely untrue.During a game of strip poker when the group I was with were all basically naked, I won 3 hands in a row and since we were all naked she was supposed to give me a lap dance. She did it for a second, and then said it didn't feel right, yet she felt comfortable with giving my best buddy a lap dance. Being a badass at poker, I won more hands and so my buddy turned on some Christina Aguilera upbeat music so that we could do some grindin' dancin'. The dancing lasted for about 20 seconds until she stopped and just said,"I can't dance with you like this! You're like my best friend!"At this point, the thought that we'd never be together really sinks in and I start to get quiet. My bud asks us all what we're doing after high school and she says she's going to the state university. Having my mind messed up and not really thinking since I'm not sure where I'm going after finishing up tech school, I say I want to move out to California. Immediately she says,"You're not moving to California. I'm going to make you move with me to (city). I need you."Where the hell did this come from? Am I supposed to follow her like a lost puppy dog when she's not even my girl? She has a boyfriend! So I say,"I need to learn how to live without you."She was offended by it. I guess she didn't understand what I was really trying to say. 20 minutes go by without a peep from me. She starts to get upset because, as she put it, "I'm ignoring her". So after yelling at me to talk to her and me just constantly saying "yeah" or "talk about what" she finally sits up and says,"you're going to talk to me about what's bothering you or leave."So I take her to the side in a different part of the house and I tell her that I love her more than anything and I asked if I should give up on the idea of us being together. Basically, without the sugar coating, she tells me we wouldn't be together because our friendship is too strong. Everyone else decides they're going to steal a street sign, leaving me and her together in the house. We start talking and she says her current boyfriend isn't going to work out because they "come from different worlds". She could explain what she meant by that easily. Then she says, "just like us. We'll never work out because we come from different worlds." But when I tried to explain how we're from different worlds she couldn't give me a reason. Our conversation was cut short when everyone came back saying that the sign they wanted was terrible and wouldn't be able to come off with just a gator grip.Finally, I get home and send her an e-mail basically saying that I need to talk to her in person, not through e-mail or on the phone. I made a list of things I want to talk to her about. I posted them in the "fall out love" thread. I'm hurting being her close friend. I have to put my true feelings off to the side. I've been hurting and bearing it for 2 months now feeling like I'm dying. I can't do it for much longer before I break, so I decided to take action. I'm basically making her decide. Either we be together or she stays my friend but not the type of friends we are now.The results are pending. I won't be surprised if I don't hear from her today. I hope my story put a little light to the situation.

I hate to put it like this... but in high school, it happens. A girl may have major feelings for a guy and then suddenly lose interest all together... Stuff like that is very fickle in high school.
She may be uncomfortable around you because she knows you have feelings for her, so she doesn't really know how to act around you. She's possibly giving you the cold shoulder b/c she's afraid anything more might lead you on.
Perhaps I'm completely off-base.... but high school romances rarely work out, and feelings can change at the drop of a hat.

This is a toughie.....You're realy putting her in a tough spot. It really sounds like she doesn't want to be with you on a romantic level. She just doesn't see you that way. But you're basically forcing her to either be with you in a way she may not be comfortable with, or lose the friendship she has w/ you completely. From what you said in this post, it honestly sounds like she just doesn't like you that way at all... She loves you as a friend... nothing more. Yet by forcing her to make a decision, she may end up saying she wants to be with you just b/c she doesn't want to lose you. A lot of girls, when faced with an "all or nothing" situation will choose "all" just because they don't think they could handle "nothing." ...And I know you said you'd still be friends with her, but you admitted that it wouldn't be nearly the same as it is now... and she may be afraid of losing that and say she'll be with you when she doesn't really want to be. ...To me, if you TRULY love her and care about her, you wouldn't be forcing her to make a decision like this. If she were giving you mixed signals, that'd be one thing... But she's made it quite clear where she stands. She wants you in her life, but according to your post, she's never given any indication that she wants you in her life on any kind of a romantic level. So you're forcing her to either take you on a romantic level or lose the friendship as she currently knows it..... To me, that's not fair to her at all, and you're really putting her in a situation that you shouldn't.

did I say I was going to make her choose? Good God I hope not!I believe I said I was torn between settling for friendship or leaving altogether. I would never make her choose somemthing like that. I'm trying to work things out and it's either:a) I go on being her friend, go to grad with her, go camping with her and everyone aftergrad, she will probably stay the way she is about me even thought we've discussed we are just friends. b) I just stop hanging out with that circle of friends altogether. She has known them all much longer then I have and if I make her so uncomfortable as to be repulsed by my presence maybe she would prefer I leave without a fuss.

Gotta pay attention to who the replies are to. My first post was to you (in which I said nothing about making the female choose)... the second post was not directed at you... Pay attention.

yes. I've avoided putting her in this situation for a long time. A very long time. But for once I'm thinking of myself and I'm feeling selfish now. I don't count on her wanting to be with me. She'll probably just ditch me. Which is what I'm counting on. Sounds messed up huh? Well, if I stay friends with her the way we are now I'll never be able to get a girl or be happy myself. If I force her to make a decision it will cause her to back off of me so that I can get a girl that will have feelings for me.This is the toughest thing I've ever done. Trust me. I feel like it's killing me. But if I kept going on as I was, depression would have settled in and I'm afraid of what might have happened.Hyperion - I'm not sure you should take the same route as me, but I'm just letting you know where I'm going with my situation as to give you an idea. It sounds like both girls love us as a friend. Either endure it or take action. I've endured it for as long as I could handle before I was starting to go depressed, so I had to resort to action.

Got off the phone with her about 10 minutes ago. Couldn't force myself to make her decide. She did agree that she'd back off of me a little and she still wants me to move up North with her. And she also agreed that she wouldn't tell me that she's going to see her boyfriend anymore. Her leaving me to go see him destroys me and I rather not know about it. At least now I can be more confident in pursuing another girl.Hyperion - I'm feeling great right now. But hard to tell what I'm going to feel after a month of this situation. I'm hoping I'll get over her as a romantic interest and have her as a best friend still. We'll see. I would consider doing what I did just now; that is reaching some kind of compromise. Although, I'm not sure what kind of communication you two have going on. Me and my girl talk about everything and most of our secrets about each other have been revealed.

Thx bro thats something I've wanted to do in person but she's a different story. We are close but not as close as I imagine you and your friend. I think if I did have a talk she would get a little more uncomfortable about everything, that and she's too non-confrontational to say wut she wants sometimes so that another obstacle to overcome =\I dunno wut to say to her even if we did talk tho. I guess I'd ramble about how I've noticed her body language lately and how she seems to be distancing herself from me despite our previous agreement. But she'd reassure me nothings changed. I'd probably asks how she feels, only to recieve something like "oh me? I'm good." or what she thinks about this all and get "about what?" or "I dunno, wut do u think?". She's....frustrating because her mouth says one thing and her body screams an entirely different message. I would like honesty but I don't think I'll get it, she's always too worried about hurting me when all that hurts is not knowing wth is going on. I wish the opposite sex wasn't so difficult to comprehend sometimes hehe. Maybe sometime away for a bit might help clear our heads?

lol. yeah, females can be really confusing. Most females feel that their emotions should be implied and known to what they want. Men are more like say what you want so I know. Bottom line, women are emotional and men a verbal.

I'm not going to spend any time away. I've done that before and almost lost her completely. But in your case, it may be a good idea because I've done that before to girls I've dated and things turned out fine. At the same time, this girl is the only one i've ever fallen in love with. Are you in love with her?

Odelia, I can't quite agree with you in your analysis here. A girl who expects a guy to move with her when she moves, just so she can have a surrogate brother, doesn't have a good idea about what is reasonable to expect. If you move to another city, you can't expect family members to move to be with you, you can't expect friends to move to be with you. About the only people you can hope to move with you is an employee, a spouse, or an intended spouse.

I think this girl is using websexinfo. She doesn't seem to have his interests at heart, only her own.

Trust me - guys can be just as confusing.... You may think, "No - females are definitely much more complicated," but it's obviously easier to understand a male if you ARE a male and vice versa. ...And not all guys are verbal. A lot of guys don't say how they feel at all and then you're just left in the dark completely...As for both of your situations... again, as harsh as this sounds, in both cases, it just sounds like the girl isn't interested. So you either deal w/ your feelings and stay friends... or back off. But I don't think either of you should back off so much that you cut the girl out (not saying either of you were planning this.. just saying)... Because if she's special enough for you to have these intense feelings, then you should want to keep her in your life. I could understand if there was a history w/ a relationship in either case... but there hasn't been. If it's that painful, then I suppose, stop talking to her... but keep in mind, after high school, things are very different anyway... Some people you planned on keeping in touch with for the rest of your life may fade out after a year or two anyway.

Actually, she's my ex. Same girl I always talk about. There are really no others in my life. She told me that's the reason why I have strong feelings for her. But I had strong feelings for her when there were a bunch of girls around.I'll keep her as a friend. She agreed she'd back off a little. And even more when I get a girlfriend. So I'm happy with it. If I get a girlfriend though, there will be a lot less time with my ex because I'm a very one girl kind of person. Not sure how cool she'll be with that, but tough cookie.

Sounds like a good plan.

Hyperion - have you figured out what you're going to do yet?

I want to talk to her. But I'm afraid of what will come of it. I genuinely care very deeply about her and I consider her one of my closest friends but lately...I dunno.... we've drifted apart and thats probably the worst of all.Like I'm getting over the fact we're not going to date and I want to get back to the way things were (friendship), and the two of us went shopping with friends today and she was a little bit better but she was still closer to the other guys then she was me. To bring you up to speed: the other 2 girls are dating the other 2 guys in our group, so it's me, this girl I've had trouble with, and my best bud who are still single. Thats the group I hang out with. Now she, and her girlfriends, have said she doesn't desire a relationship with anyone right now. Her thinking is "It's only high-school" I got lots of time. Yet I am sensing she might like the other single guy in our group. I talked to her girlfriend about it and she said "NO!" less then a milli-second after I asked if she did in fact like the guy. Now the fact the answer was so fast sort of alarmed me, as if she was covering for her girlfriend or something. I also asked the guy I think she likes and I guess he has had on-and-off feelings about her for the last couple years but mentions it was nothing serious or anything. Judging by how they answered and the way they reacted I can't help but think something is going on.I don't know if I'm just building all of this up in my head or what but I'm very worried. I've never had this happen. If they hook up I would definitely leave the group. There is no way I could handle the humility. Ms. "I don't want a relationship with anyguy" runs off with my best-bud not more then a month after she had so delicately flattened my pride. We've been wanting to go to grad together since before Christmas but if she likes this other guy I'll run off to Kingston RMC before grad and let them go together. Hard to describe wut I'm feeling, take "Heart-broken, depressed, angry, betrayed, and parnoid" all in the same head and you got me. So in short, I probably will talk with her on the weekend in person or over the phone sometime this week. I just have to find a way to approach that problem, any suggestions on that?

Well, mate, I dont know much in ways of advice on this one..its tough ...but I did want to mention that your words..they are like poetry....I looked at the length and I was like WHOA but then when I read it, i couldnt stop it was fabulous..lol..I dunno...maybe cuz its late

Dude, I know EXACTLY how you're feeling right now. I was with a group of friends traveling up state on a bus. When we got there she didn't talk to me hardly at all, even avoided sitting next to me, and ended up talking to my best friend. Talk about hurt. On the way back it was about 12am when we started back home and for 5 hours I sat on that bus and let all kinds of stuff flow through my head, didn't even sleep. The next day, I called up my best and asked him if he liked her, if she liked him, and if he didn't tell me what all was exchanged between them I would blow his brains out with my 12 gauge. fast forward: Turns out, she didn't like him at all. Maybe as a friend. But since me and her were in a rut, she depended on asking and talking to my best friend about me.My friend told me she needed space and that she felt suffocated. So, I gave exactly what she wanted. I avoided her since she was avoiding me. After about a month, I saw her again at the college. I walked her to her car. She gave me a ride to my car because I parked behind the building and she parked in front. Before I got out, I talked to her. She said that she missed me. I apologized and told her that I was addicted to her and I needed some time off. But now I was ready to be the friend she needed. When getting out of the car, I looked back and she had her arms open, "you've given me a hug every time you've seen me for like 3 years, you just can't quit." So, i gave her a hug and went our ways. That was the start of an unexpectedly powerful friendship. The only problem was, I wasn't over my "addiction" yet. And now I'm battling with falling out of love with her.Hope this helps

I'm gonna have my friends do recon I guess. One will watch and see hows she is around this guy and vice-sersa. One will figure out what I did wrong. And the other will figure out why she is uncomfortable around me.

If I have at least a small understanding of what she is going through I can at least approach her on common ground.

I really really want us to go back to the way we were. :frowning: