Theres 60 total cuts, on both legs. I did it with an exacto knife in a period of like 10 seconds. It was my first time cutting and i went balls out. I was crying histarically before i did it and it was either cut or kill myself, you dont know how close i was to killing. Wanna know why? Because it was the worst day of my life. Why was it the worst day? Maybe i'll explain tomorrow if i decide to be here tomorrow. Im not asking for sympathy, or help, im stating that if you ever think your depressed, get fucking help before you end up like me.http://s44.photobucket.com/albums/f3/mmafighter90/?action=view¤t=DSC00144.jpghttp://s44.photobucket.com/albums/f3/mmafighter90/?action=view¤t=DSC00143.jpghttp://s44.photobucket.com/albums/f3/mmafighter90/?action=view¤t=DSC00141.jpghttp://s44.photobucket.com/albums/f3/mmafighter90/?action=view¤t=DSC00142.jpghttp://s44.photobucket.com/albums/f3/mmafighter90/?action=view¤t=DSC00140.jpghttp://s44.photobucket.com/albums/f3/mmafighter90/?action=view¤t=DSC00145.jpg.....I did this because i hurt someone i loved, out of anger and also on accident. They bled, and they cried and thats all i will say. But do know this it was pure accidental and they know it, and they have forgiven me, but as you can see i have not forgiven myself. This was the icing on the cake for my shitty life and i no longer know if i want to live, like i said if im here tomorrow il fill in the blanks and details, if i dont post by tomorrow night, im gone, and im sorry A2A for bringing you my depression shit all the time, all im going to say is i love this place, and thank you for being here for me all these years, i wish it would have been enough.
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This is what i did to myself tonight
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if they have forgivin you why havent you forgivin your self
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Life always has some rough spots, but you have been doing so well over all. I have really been impressed with your accomplishments and how you have taken control of your life. Don't give up now. There should be someone at your college that you can turn to for help. Seek them out. PM me if you'd like to talk.
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Listen to what me54 says, MMAfighter. Anything can be forgiven, and everything passes behind you.
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what will you acheive in killing yourself? dont think about all the bad things, just think about the good things that have happened and that can happen. thats got me through so many stuff , like i thought forward to passing my exams (when i was thinking bout killing myself) and then i did pass which was greatalso, suicide is selfish.. think about how many people will be upset about you dieing
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Yesterday is like water under the bridge, it has happened, you cannot change this anymore than you can change the setting of the sun, acceptance is the first key to understanding, you have to accept that you cannot change what happened yesterday, only that you have to be strong and live for the right reasons, rather than die for the wrong ones, everybody deserves another chance, and you have been granted yours by the forgiving nature of the person you hurt, now it is time to prove you are worthy of forgivness, not to back down and step over into the abyss.That's what I think anyway, because there are many many times that many many of us have made far bigger mistakes in life, only by finding forgivness can we move on... I know I've done things that I'm less than proud of, and I know people have done things to me I do not approve of, but I forgive those who have wronged me, as I would ask forgivness of those I have wronged, just remember if this person ever hurts you, you owe them a debt, that's all there is to it Hope you're here tomorrow.
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Im still here, honestly i wish i didnt post this. I shouldnt have brought this here, please delete it.
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Why shouldn't you have brought this here? It's what we're here for.
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You need to seek professional help.Be a positive example.
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Sometimes people are only able to appreciate you from a distance. But we do appreciate you. Please seek out some one to help you let off steam. It sure sounds like you need it. You've born a lot and shouldered a lot in your young life. Things can only get better.
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I refuse to seek professional help. I live my life as a fighter, and everyone that knows me accepts that. I will stand my ground and fight the world 1 on 1 and i wont go down without the fight of my life. I will give it everything i have but i will not seek help. I will fight for myself i will fight depression and everything, i will do fight everything, but i will do it alone, thats just who i am. Thank you all for the help and i'll keep you updated. Today was a good day for me, and the mrs, but her depression is really affecting her and im trying to get her out of her home life as it is the source of it. Me and her mom but heads tonight over the topic of her daughters mental health, her mom thinks shes faking the depression to get attention and i know she is truley depressed. Her mom said "im going to call you tomorrow and have a talk with you" and i said "ok good" and that was that.Im ready to fight the world right now. And if the world wins then so be it, but i will not seek help, im sorry if it dissapoints you guys, thats just who i am.
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Fighters don't have to fight alone. Soldiers fight together, and know they are stronger supporting each other than they would be individually.
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You know me, I'm going to be blunt. Quote:Im not asking for sympathy, or help, im stating that if you ever think your depressed, get fucking help before you end up like me.That's bullshit. How can you say something like this and then refuse to go get help?Your girlfriend had the right mind in seeking help but you won't do it?Don't be a stupid example of calling the kettle black when you're a danger to yourself.You can't fight life on your own. Face it, life sucks and never fair. But it's how we deal with our situation that makes us strong. As soon as you cut yourself, you put yourself in a weak and dangerous position.You just started your life. Do you really want to go down this road? If you do, you'll soon end up at a dead end.Please go seek help.
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The problem isnt just my stubborness, its my finances. I dont have insurance and i dont have ANY money. If you opened my fridge you would see a box of cheez-its, 3 yogurts, some tortillas, cheese, and some drinks and thats about it. I dont even have enough money to eat how am i suppost to go to some psych thats charging $90 and hour. The cutting was a one time thing that will never happen again. I have no desire to cut myself, i don't feel it "relieves my emotional pain" or whatever, it was to punish myself for what i had done and at the moment i was completely freaking out.Virtual i appreciate you being blunt and straight forward, if i knew you in real life it sounds like you would be a great friend. But i just want to give myself a couple weeks to fight on my own before i go for help. If things get terribly bad where im going to kill myself then i will get help.And as for the reason i cut myself in the first place i cannot post it, it haunts me and i cant even bare to think about it.
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The money issue is understandable. But Rad brought up what I wanted to share, which is start with your college. Is there a health center or office on campus? If so, try to see if they offer mental health counseling or information about it.You've always had a good head on your shoulders but even the very best of us have our bad moments. There's no shame in it, and you don't have to keep it all to yourself. Bottling up all your emotions will only cause them to blow up into something bad. Or something worse.You don't have to share but I don't believe what you said to whomever was bad enough to "punish" yourself this severely.Hang in there and best wishes.
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Is there a health center or office on campus? If so, try to see if they offer mental health counseling or information about it. Most colleges charge you some sort of fee for student health etc... This is where you go in to cash in on those services.
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If it was just something i said i wouldnt have punished myself, thats about as far as i want to go right now.Im actually rather embarassed to be here right now, and feel like i shouldnt have come. I know this place is for help but c'mon, i had 60 fuckin cuts on my legs i shouldnt have brought that crap here.As far as on campus care im sure there is some. Im sure i could get it and i will if i need to. I just want try and fight it for a little while longer. I always pull through on my own and i always feel better doing it myself. I deep down will never kill myself, i know that. I just need people to have faith in me right now that i will make it, and i will be fine. I just need some friends and some support.
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i just read your first post. I havent read the whole thread but i just wanted to say that I really, really hope you are still with us. You are a good person and your life is important.. i really hope you dont kill yourself.
