Hey people, new here. I'm 22, gay and have problems with sex. I'm feeling a bit dismayed because my experience of sex is that it's OK but frightening but good.Sex scares me. Connecting to another person is just mentally draining, and I'm exhausted trying. Masturbating myself is much easier, but I feel like I'm missing out on the fun and that's just depressing me.After my 2nd experience, I became very depressed and didn't get any for 3 years. During a nurse appointment, I told the doc who scoffed about it and made me cry.Lots of counselling for depression later... and a one night stand with a guy made me feel a lot better about sex. Went on holiday and met a guy who turned out to be a player... who left me feeling sexually insecure, although better about my personality.A week ago I had a one night stand. The guy was hot, friendly and patient. But I found it hard to cum. It made me feel so inadequate, after half an hour I managed. He just wasn't touching me in the right way, and wasn't being romantic enough. I didn't really know how to ask to do these things. I always had this idea that you can't ask for these things in one night stands, but now that sounds like crap.After the bad experiences and shit I can't help my brain from expecting there to be some problem. It's stopping me from really enjoying sex, because I'm scared to get too close or in the moment in case I get hurt.I just want to enjoy sex. Everyone else does, why can't I?!
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Dismayed with sex
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One night stands.... Have you had a "relationship" with someone? or have all your sexual experiences just been quick flings?
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No.Maybe I'm just expecting too much from one night stands! Can't change the past but can focus on a relationship instead Do you think one night stands are a poor judge of sex?
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Quote:Do you think one night stands are a poor judge of sex? Yes. To acieve the higher emotional--not just the simpler physical-- level of sex, you need a relationship.
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I understand, completely, where you're coming from. You sound like you're the type of person that needs at least a quasi-emotional, personal connection to enjoy sex. That's neither uncommon or unhealthy, quiet the contrary in-fact. For many people, myself included, sex without a personal connection is at best uncomfortable if not an outright frightening prospect. Rather than focusing on this as some limiting factor to your sexual enjoyment simply see it for what it is, part of who you are. Work from a point of knowledge, instead of "hook-ups" seek relationships. Now, that doesn't mean you have to limit yourself to only having sex with a "boyfriend." Relationship is a broad term and maybe for you it can included a "friend with benefits" kind of situation. In this kind of situation, perhaps you can feel comfortable being more open and you can know each other well enough to communicate your needs, thusly having a more satisfying sexual encounter. Just remember to beware the pitfalls that come with a "friend with benefits" situation.The long and short of it, know yourself and match your actions to your needs. If an intense boyfriend type relationship is the only circumstance in which you find fulfillment than seek those kinds of connections. If a friend with benefits arrangement can work for you then you've widened your field of opportunities. Above all don't try to live up to what society tells you is "normal." Regardless of what people may say or think, just because you're 22 doesn't mean you should be hooking up with a different guy each weekend. I didn't at that age because the prospect of opening myself up to, basically, a stranger scared the shit out of me. I wouldn't do that at this age because I know myself now and am self-aware enough to know, for me, random sex would just leave me feeling shallow drained and empty (and not in the good way ).
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Yeah I think you're all totally right. It fills me with relief (oh the puns!) because at least I know sex does get better, and I won't always be wondering why sex isn't good.
I think part of the reason the one night stands weren't comfortable was just because I expected too much, and rather than relaxing was getting my self worked up, which as you know makes it all the much harder. There's nothing wrong with having a bit of fun IMO, just got to remember that it's just fun and that if it doesn't work out it doesn't matter one bit because I'll probably never see that guy again. Everyone has their style, and I'm gonna meet people who are closer and further from that. So I don't think I should shy away from having fun and wait for a nice guy.
A lot of it has to do with feeling jealous that everyone around me has had a bf/gf, and that I was the last to loose my virginity, and am the last not to have a bf. Feels like I was the side lined sheep a bit. But the past is the past and moping over it isn't going to change the future. It wasn't really my fault, I have suffered severely from SAD depression which prevented me from feeling able to emotionally connect. And only recently I have discovered the light lamp, which has changed my life.
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One night stands are not going to be "romantic" and they wont know where you like to be touched or what gets you off.. because they dont know you well enough. Have you tried online dating?