So recently, I've been slowly getting out of this extreme depressed/suicidal period of like three years, and I've been noticing that I kind of enjoy making myself depressed. It's hard to explain because I seriously hate being sad, but its like a game to make myself cry. I just think of the worst, most depressing stuff I can. I think the best comparison can be to pills I've taken for the high, especially vyvanse. With vyvanse, or ritalin, once I begin coming down I like scramble to get myself back into that high feeling. I do the same with depression. It's like as soon as I start feeling better, I scramble and make all the worst stuff I can think of go through my head. The first time I thought I must kind of enjoy it was this one day when I was smoking weed. Usually, weed kills the depression immediately by letting me think of all the awesome stuff with life, but this one time I just started going after myself like I do when I'm sober. I realized that I was doing it because it was like a game. I just really want to know why I do this to myself, I don't know if its some kind of mental disorder or something like that. I just feel like if I know why I'm doing it I'll be able to stop, yah know?
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I make myself depressed
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Have you thought about going to talk all this out with someone Hun? Having had depression myself it really helped me to get to the root of how my brain worked and how to spot triggers. Good luck and you are never alone. Keep smiling
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Sometimes we don't want to get better because then we feel we have no excuse for something we don't want to change--I don't know if that is a factor in your case.
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I've been going to a therapist but I still don't know what's up with it. I can't figure it out, it's like always there. Recently I've been getting better though, I got a loving girlfriend and I think things are beginning to work out. I may never figure out why I do this, but as long as it stops I'm fine with that
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It's normal that you can't figure things out for yourself. That's why a good therapist is so critical. It sounds as if you are indeed making progress. I'm sure that your girlfriend is a great help to you. Keep a stiff upper lip to go with that positive outlook of yours.
